Hey Y'all. So NOT dead!

 Went to reply to a text and accidently wrote a blog post instead. I'm feeling "gifty". So I'll post it here. I missed y'all. All Y'all as they say here in the South.

Girl. My pharmacy just closed. My pharmacist calls me and tells earlier about the med block by DEA. I call doc office. No answer. Close at 5, but them ladies up at the front desk, bless em, they turned off the phones early cuz they ran clean outta fucks. So I got the service.

The same service that says they have a policy about not calling docs for meds. No exceptions...but wait there's more! I hear a kid having a complete fucking nuclear tantrum in the background. I say to her, "You're working from home. I get it. I just want to say to you that you field wacky calls like this *while trying provide that barrier to the doctor, and I just want to say that you are the true hero. You keep this all orderly and working during a freaking pandemic. And us pain people are some of us really nucking futs.!"

She laughs. Says hold on, you just had the surgery right? And this added pain is from the surgery? That's a surgical issue not a med issue. I got you. I. Got. You.

Because I recognized her humanity...she recognized mine.

John just got home from the pharmacy after getting maybe one total hour of sleep nap in like the last 36 hours, where Jen the Pharm waited on him. Dr. F had made the call to Jen the Pharm and Dr. F & Jen the Pharm got federal all over federals' ass and gave out even MORE less fucks than the front ladies misslpacing fucks...

Dr F. gave me my normal monthly pain meds PO. AND THIS MAN WHO SHALL BE SAINTED AND SHOULD HAVE DAILY DAMN PARADES THROWN AS TRIBUTES WITH BEADS AND BOOBS AND EVERYTHING, THIS MAN SENT HOME A MONTHS WORTH OF A PAIN MEDICATION IN AN AMOUNT THAT MY PAIN INTOLERANT TO MEDICATION ASS WILL ACTUALLY RESPOND TO. SORRY FOR THE SHOUTING but did you see that awesome parade go by?

*whilst? *while? I stuggled with this. I'm rusty...

The end of a very long and difficult road.

I turned off my implanted cardiac defibrillator on October 29, 2013. I've been in chronic agonizing cardiac chest pain since March of this year. Back in December of 2012 I met the most wonderful and important man in my life, my best friend, Jake. He makes me happy. He has accepted me into his life and made me a major part of it. He has offered me his home as a place to die where my daughter doesn't have to watch. I love him with all of my heart. I'll admit, I did fall in love with him at one point, but came to realize that we work much better as best friends. He is loving and supportive and he has promised to hold my hand as I exit this world. It's been 12 days and I'm still upright and breathing. I may last another day or maybe even another month, but I am ready to go. FCB has custody of Punx and is taking really great care of her. She is happy and healthy, and while we miss each other so very much, it's better for both of us if I don't die in her presence. Someday I hope she will understand why I made the choice I did. To protect her, from having to watch her mother slowly waste away in agony and anguish. I am dying. I've lost almost 200 lbs and am still losing. I am on heavy narcotics and when they are working, I am sleeping. When they are not working, I am crying and screaming and begging those around me to kill me and end my suffering. It's been a hard life, a hard road. I should have blogged more. This last year of my life has been a good one filled with love and acceptance by people whom I think of as my family. I am no longer speaking to anyone related to me by blood. I'm ready to go. I hope in the end there is no pain and only peace. I hope this blog stays out there for people to read and for my daughter to see as a reminder that I once was here. That a girl named Leigh with a persnickety ticker, existed. I hope I made you laugh, and cry, and think, and moved you in some way. I hope I made a difference. Thank you for being a part of my life. If you are someone I knew and loved, know that that love was true and deep and meaningful, for I never loved lightly. I did it fully...with every beat of my persnickety ticker.

Dreaming

This about sums up my life right now.


Dreaming - Loudon Wainwright III
Copyright ©1996 Snowden Music, Inc.

I'd rather be dreaming than living
Living's just too hard to do
It's chances not choices, noises not voices
A day's just a thing to get through
Living's just too hard to do

I'd rather be dreaming than talking
There's nothing to hear or to say
With ears covered mouth closed the world is opposed
Nothing gets in or away
There's nothing to hear or to say

I'd rather be dreaming than thinking
Thoughts are small comfort to me
Dreams might be pretend but at least dreams end
And I just can't stop thinking you see
Thoughts are small comfort to me

I'd rather be dreaming than sleeping
Just sleeping you're just as well dead
In dreams I can fly, in dreams I don't die
That's why I lie here in this bed
Just sleeping you're just as well dead

I'd rather be dreaming

Change is not always a good thing...

Cause fuckitall!! They went and changed blogger on me. And now I am having to go, "wait, what?" Hopefully this posts correctly...and honestly, does it really matter if it doesn't? I really doubt the 2 people that actually check this place on a weekly basis are going to care that it is correct so much as that it's a new posting since I haven't been here since May.

I spent 4th of July in the hospital again. Pneumonia. Lost 20lbs in 4 days. I look like a skin bag. I'm a fluffy girl normally, but there are bones and hangy skin going on. It's not pretty.

Damn. That all sounded depressing. Sorry about that.

Wait, I think there is one more nugget of joy that I need to squeeze out.

Most of my friends have jumped ship and either deserted me, or betrayed me.

Kinda gives you that nice warm and fuzzy feeling, huh? Yeah, me too. All over. Unfortunately, I just can't seem to muster more than a tear, a meh, and an occasional desire to hunt some of them down and boink them upside the head with a cast-iron skillet.

I get that no one likes death and dying and those depressing and terminal people that just won't croak when they are supposed to. Pisses me off, too, that I have to live every day in the state that I am in. Getting out of bed takes effort. Remembering to hydrate and nourish myself takes effort. Dying without the support of people who supposedly give a shit about me takes effort.

I'm grateful to the ONE friend that has stuck by me in her own way. More so than she will probably ever know. And for that reason, I have been trying to update my recipe book like a mad woman so that she will have a spiffy reward for not bailing like everyone else.

Sorry about the bitter. It's kinda eating at me and sitting in my chest like that Alien thing.

And going up to look at this I realize that I have apologized for my feelings which I shouldn't have done, because they are mine and I have the right to feel them. Been in hiding mostly because I don't want to cause anyone anymore pain or distress due to my condition and also because I am not sure who I can trust to not hurt me and kick me while I am down.

Punx is growing and thriving and singing and laughing and homeschooling and playing and being a great big bundle of joy and amusement for me. She really is my reason for staying and for fighting to get out of bed everyday. Even Fat Cranky Bastard is being a decent human being for once. It's nice not to have to deal with  strife in my own home. Came up with a new word, Dramoil. Drama + turmoil = Dramoil.

Avoiding that shit like it's the plague. Or the zombie apocalypse.

Gah! I'm a lazy bitch. Sorry.

Someone should still be reading this.

I hope.

So here is what has been happening in a nutshell. I have been busy as fuck, but in a lazy way. I do an art show once a month, so I work on stuff constantly for that in between hospital stays, hospital visits, sister popping out kids (happening today), my child breaking both of her arms, random trips to Disney and entertaining the masses with my wit and snark on Facebook. See? Lots to do. And all while I am dying.

Wait! What? Dying?

Yup.

I have been given 3-6 months to live by the cardiologial know-it-alls. My cardiologist was speaking to me in past tenses during my last appointment all while wearing a look of frustrated disappointment. That sucked. They want to put me on anti-rejections and get the whole transplant process started. Pfffft. Fuck that. I am upright and breathing most days, and can be a mother to my child, where as the drugs will make me practically comatose.

I can't live like that.

So here I am. Alive today. Blogging today. About to become an aunt today for the 8th time. Each day is precious at this point, but I am not going to let dying interfere with my living. Period.

Now, on a lighter note! I have a fucking hangover. From one drink last night. Sonofabitch.

I'm a pansy-assed lightweight I guess. But a pansy-assed lightweight that was feeling just un-lazy enough to blog again.

Pfffffft.

Really with the spam comments?

Thanks to all those new readers I have. I appreciate you and welcome! To all the spammers: fuck off, already!

I just got back from a week at Disney. It was loads of fun, and I lost 10 lbs! Woot! It seems now I have managed to contract an "oh fuck-nuggets, I'm sick again" plague that has rendered me feeling all blegh and stabby towards spammers...

At a frenzied snail's pace.

I have been sitting here all day. I should be getting ready for my art show in two days. I'm not. I should be visiting my friend Chris who is dying of cancer in the hospital. But, I'm not. I should be exercising, playing with my child, cleaning my house, making jewelry, shopping for my daughter's winter clothes or making a gourmet meal for my family. But, I'm not.

Because for the last few days I haven't felt like doing much. Call it depression, lazy, or feeling like I have been kicked repeatedly by a very large horse, I just haven't had the motivation to do more than tinker a little with some jump rings and play Facebook games.

Oh yeah, and go to a completely depressing New Year's Eve party where I had no one to talk to, nothing to do, and no one to kiss at midnight. I am just a giant ball of MEH. And a squishy one at that.

I need to be smaller. Happier. Livelier. Funnier. Better.

Now I just need to figure out how...

Happy New Year!!

Wishing anyone who still comes here a very happy new year! I am alive, not hospitalized, recovering from a stomach flu, and have made a resolution to start blogging again. I miss my funny. I need to find it. I'll write until I do or someone puts me out of my misery. Punx is fine and growing and thriving. FCB is still a cranky old bastard. I have been dating unsuccessfully, but have come to the conclusion that I am not the craziest person I know. I have a couple of dear friends who are reaching the end of this journey called life and I am sure the outpouring of words will come when the time comes. Oh yeah, I had a heart attack in October. Still here. Suck on that Modern Medicine!! Hope y'alls new year is safe and soberish and happy!!

Pick me.

Inside of every one of us there is an insecure little child, standing on a kickball field, terrified that they are going to be the last one chosen. Or not chosen at all.

I was the one that wasn't chosen.

They would make excuses like they needed someone to be the cheerleader, or the "assistant" referee. Or having one extra on the team wouldn't be fair to the other team. If I had a dollar for all the excuses, I would have had enough money to hire a hit man to give all my enemies the wedgies and noogies and cooties they all deserved.

What does this little anecdotal story have to do with anything, let alone the fact that I haven't blogged in a damn coon's age? Not a damn thing.

Or everything.

Cause my life, as of late, has just been downright complicated, yo!

Lately? I have been battling friends, friends issues, friends relationships, family issues, car shopping for my mom, tonsillitis for the Punx, trying to get my business off the ground, health issues, heart issues, matter of the heart issues, friend's matter of the heart issues, friend's heart issues, friend's health issues, whole muthafucking subscriptions, and a vacation to the Florida Keys.

Plus I have been trying to teach myself how to play a harmonica. And when I get that down pat I am going to complicate it by trying to play a ukulele at the same time...as soon as I also teach myself to play the ukulele.

I'm suffering from Disney withdrawals. BAD. To the point that I may even be typing this all while wearing a princess costume. Maybe. Possibly. Probably. OK...I am.

I've had many new friends come into my life, and with them all of their drama and stuff. I have had old friends grow so distant that it took me 45 minutes this morning to remember one of their names.

Life changes. And it gets busy and complicated and sticky and yucky and sad and lonely and if I don't get a visit to tropical island with my very own sex slave soon, I am going to erupt. Or explode. Just call me Mt. Lakanuki.

And of course, it never fails. Whenever I actually sit down to write a blog, even if no one has bothered me for 4 hours, I end up with 16 interruptions, 4 phone calls a couple of text messages and spilled coffee on my keyboard. I guess it serves me right for drinking coffee at 5 in the afternoon.

So that is what has been going on. If I break it down it would be about 100 blog posts. But most of them would make you cry. Or need medication. Or alcohol.

I'm trying to find the humor and the snark in my everyday and it just seems to be a little lacking, lately. Sorry about that. No one can be happy or perky all of the time. I know people that would punch me if I tried.

Punx is going through medical stuff. FCB is miserable and hating his job, but glad he at least still has one. I am up to my ears in chainmaille trying to get ready for a festival in October. I am debating homeschooling because my daughter is not normal enough to be Stepford-Stamped-Approved and not special enough to wear a bedazzled helmet and lick windows. (That wasn't meant to offend anyone, and if you are offended, then I suggest you turn off your Internet, TV, radio and lights and hide in a dark closet for the rest of your life because I'm going to let you in on a secret: The World is a mean and nasty place that will eat you alive and shit you out before it crushes you under its heal.) (And no, I am not bitter. Much.)

Where was I?

Homeschool. We seem to be doing well at it. I send Punx to the little red building for socialization. She cries before she has to go and is excited when she comes home and has had a lot of fun. Then she will do school work at home all on her own without prompting, and then cry herself to sleep because she doesn't want to go to school the next day. I hope and pray every day that she will find a friend. So far that hasn't happened.

I also hope that kickball has been abolished.

So far that hasn't happened.

Still alive...but I am pretty sure I cashed in that ninth life.

I had a nasty bout with pneumonia about a month ago. Through the wonders of inept doctors and uncaring emergency room staff, I got to have a fabulous and lengthy reunion with all of my dead relatives and friends while I was slumped over (probably dead or at least having a great hallucination!) in a wheelchair in the corner of a hospital waiting room. Then to top it all off, the nurse of the year (big bucketloads of dripping sarcasm there) couldn't find a vein after only 15 seconds of not hardly searching for one so she rescinded all of the doctor's orders for lifesaving medication. She was the highlight of my whole visit! (mind that deep puddle there...) So I am home, alive, and pretty much ignoring all the frantic (and weekly) calls of both my cardiologist and my GP. The little wifi box that reads the difib in my chest is apparently snitching on me and now all those medical types are getting their panties in a wad. Personally? I am upright and breathing so I would like to keep it that way. No more doctors for me for the near future. The call it PRACTICING medicine for a reason. In other news, I had a showdown at high noon with the principal at my daughter's school after I called the superintendent and snitched on him. His phone call to me was awkward and uncomfortable and when he asked what he could do to be more accommodating to me personally, I replied that he could just stay as far away and out of mine and my daughter's life as possible. He wasn't happy. I was thrilled that the shit rolled downhill in the county school system here as fast as it did! Speaking of awkward and uncomfortable, I unfriended the ex-girlfriend and her best friend on Facebook. I still haven't heard from the ex, but I heard from the friend in an indignant email asking what she had ever done to me to make me delete her. I answered that I was trying to avoid the very conversation we were having. I hate awkward. It gives me the wiggins. Other than that, things are quiet on the persnickety front. Life in Stepford is moving along at it's usual and boring pace. And as I have said before, (Chitown...I'm talking to you here...) I can be found on both FB and Twitter where I am just a hair more updatey that on here. I am AbsoluteLeigh on both. Come find me! Until the next time my faithful and loving friends, I leave you with these sage words of advice: Never trust a person in a white coat. They are either there to poke you, prod you, lock you up or kill you. Either that or they just have really bad 80's fashion sense. Don't say you haven't been warned!

I'm about to see a spike in blog hits.

Because I always get more traffic when ever that Bones episode is on where Sully sails off into the sunset. I posted the song on here a lifetime ago. Bring on the the hits. Click a google ad while you're here or something.

Oh yeah. To all my regular readers...I am no longer dating. She ended it in a flurry of excuses, cliches and cold I-don't-give-a-shit-this-doesn't-really-matter-to-me-ness.

It's all good. She has a lot of issues she needs to work on, plenty of baggage packed, and didn't really bother to get to know me. I doubt she even read this blog.

Meh. Only I could have a 2 month long one night stand.

Hope everyone is well and life is good. I think I am coming down with the plague. Or at least a really nasty series of horrible crippling asthma attacks. Imma go lay down now...carry on...

I'm fixin' to kill y'all with cuteness!

Throughout the rest of this Year and all of 2011...

May you always make the right moves.

May your cup runneth over with love.

May you always find shelter from any storm.

May you remain good looking and looking good!

May you find the perfect diet for your soul.(If this face doesn't make you want to stop eating sausage, nothing will.)

May you find perfect balance in the company you keep.

May you have as much fun as you can before someone makes you stop.

May the worst thing that happens to you come in slobbery pink and furry tan.

May you manage to make time for siesta.

May all the new folks you meet be interesting and kind.

May your accessories always harmonize with your natural beauty!

Should your mouth be bigger than your stomach, may you have a chewing good time!

May you always know when to walk away and know when to run.

And may your friends always bring you joy!

Yep. Dating.

We have been on like 5 or 6 dates so far. Actually I'm losing count. But loving that the time seems to blur and stretch and ahhhhhh. She is fantastic and smart and amazing and funny and witty and pithy and snarky and brilliant and beautiful! And yes I said she.

Waiting for the room to clear of all the people who just hiked up their judgmental thong into their tight asses.

Clear? Great.

Onward and upward! And speaking of upward...just made the Punx some muffins for lunch (or dinner...we don't do schedules much...ever) and she said to me, "Wow, Mommy! Look at those muffins suck!"

I must explain that due to her "Special Snowflake-ness", she uses substitute words when she doesn't know the right word to insert into her vocabulary. She's a Smurf. Only instead of using the word "Smurf" every so many words to talk, she uses "Suck" and all of the tenses that go with it. She's great at using the proper tense "Sucking, Sucked, Sucks" but while it cracks me up all the time, strangers are totally offended/confused/lost when she talks. Her other word is "Creepy."

She meant, "Look at those muffins rise!"

I totally got her. We didn't miss a beat. It wasn't until later that I had to go back and give her the right word. Otherwise the next time she is at school and sees a cupcake she is going to proclaim its "Suckiness" and then I'm gonna get a call from the PTA or some shit.

I made some chili the other night and that stuff is calling my name. Please excuse the hunger/ADD but I am gonna go eat. Just thought I would share a little more in the hopes that someone other than one (HI CHITOWN GIRL!!!) or two (HI GRAMMARPHILE!) people are still out there waiting for an update.

Told ya I was going to blog more.

Resolutions.

My New Year's resolution was to start posting to my blog more often, starting with the first day of the year!

Now my resolution is to make sure I procrastinate everything to the very last minute. That way, based on the timing of this post, I will have actually succeeded at one of them.

Happy New Year!

By the way, totally healthy this holiday season unless you count being infected with a case of the fuckits. No hospital visits. Xmas happened on time and wrapped (barely) and I sat my bored ass home one New Years Eve and watched Andy Cohen get drunk in HD.

Oh, and I am dating someone now. LET THE LOVELIFE BEGIN! (not that I am excited or anything....SQUEEEEE!!!!)

More (often) updates (I swear) to come (I really mean it this time) soon! Hope everyone had a great holiday! (I know for a fact that 4 of you are still checking for updates occasionally.)

Update

Since I last blogged, I have been busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. A one legged man in an ass kicking contest, if you will. I have been making chainmail for my first ever River City Pride Festival (a craft show of sorts) and I had my first showing. I have been working on my website http://www.beadserious.com and my little girl turned SEVEN years old. So of course....we went to Disney. I have had so much to do and so little time to do it all in...even my Facebook games have been ignored.

Just too damn busy.

So I figured you 3 readers that were left were due an explanation of my not here-ness or my did-she-croak-on-us-ness.

Not dead. Did spend a week in the hospital, but they never found the reason for the excruciating chest pain. One opinion was it was all in my head. I said, "No, Muthafucka, it's in my damn CHEST!"

Doctors. Pffffftttt!!

So, alive...doing OK. Not as busy anymore. Takin it easy, and going to go decorate my house for Halloween...on Halloween. Then I am going to take a nap. A November-long-nap.

Have a safe Halloween!!!

Wrong on so many levels.

So you would think by now I would have mastered my timing at going to the grocery store in Stepford. Certain times of day and you can avoid the crowds and do the shopping with ease and efficiency. I have not figured out those times.

Today I managed to share my shopping experience with the mostly dead, near dead, undead, a cat is going to eat my face soon after I am dead, "Jesus! How old are you, anyway!", and "You were really a childhood friend of Jesus? Cool!" There is a little bus that drops them off once a day for them to get their cat food and shit and then haul them back to the retirement home up the road.

Most of the time I go in the mid-afternoon. So do all of the rest of the Stepford wives and their heathen demon spawn. Overheard in the store, "Do you want another cookie, Tiffie?" (There is a one per customer limit on the free cookies. 'Tiffie' is also like 14 years old and looks like she wants the floor to swallow her up whole.) And of course, "Wellington Washington Jones IV, you get over here right NOW!" (The fact that this kid has 3 last names is not the issue. The fact is that 3 people ahead of him had the same fucking name and no mother had the sense to say, "WTF? I am SO NOT naming my kid that!") Welcome to Stepford. (They also point and stare at my kid because she will get dressed up in full Disney Princess costume and come to the store with me. She's 6. When else in your life are you going to be able to get away with going grocery shopping in a ballgown?)

Which leads me to the first display of WTFness and wrongness that I happened to spy in the store today on a lower shelf.

Look at that strategic straw placement! The brain trust who thought this up should be sporked. It is so wrong on so many levels. The placement of the straw, the seedy Drag Queenie aspect of it, and the fact that a child would actually have to SUCK LIQUID FROM THE UNFORTUNATELY PLACED STRAW!!!

Don't even get me started on that beverage being milk.

I'll give you a minute to compose.

Better? On we go!

This is the next version of HUH? that I have spotted in suburbia.

Just goes to prove that some people really are "Batshit Crazy!"

Y'all have a great day, now! Don't let your Tuesday be a Monday! (If it starts acting like a Monday, you have my permission to slap it hard enough to knock it into next Thursday.)

Rumors of my death...

Are running rampant like I am Bill Cosby or some shit, yo!

No really, I am not dead. The blog? Totally on life support. I have been watching and I have seen the 4 of you that show up faithfully, and to you, my friends, I say....Way to stick with a bitch!!

Life is crazy. You all know that. My family life is redefining dysfunctional on a daily basis. FCB is a nag, and I am now nicknamed the "Harpy". Joy. I am having Facebook fights with my family for everyone to view and as of tomorrow, it will have been a year since I have even heard from my father. (And I had to make that call a year ago, at which time he hurried me off the phone because he was late for drinks with friends.)

The father thing? Hurts. Lots. I'm dealing.

My little sister having a baby and it's a boy? Wonderful news! (But I know that that was the last shred of hope I had at ever getting my dad's attention again.) Which led to the Facebook fight.

Which led to my older sister not telling me she was pregnant, even though I knew way back at Easter, because she thought I was going to lose my mental/emotional shit. I got the call today. Because the BIL wanted to put it on the internet this afternoon, but she didn't want me to find out that way.

I think they are all just skerred of muh wicked-bitchin' FB fightin' skilz. I haz dem!

Then on top of all of this, I was invited to be a part of my city's Pride festival this year by selling my chain mail jewelry that I make. (I'm up to my eyeballs in jump rings and trying to produce as much as I can in a very short time.)

Oh yeah, and I have been homeschooling the Punk over the summer. I am hoping she will pass Kindergarten this year. 5th time's the charm, right? (Otherwise she will be the smartest 18 year old in the 6th grade...)

So I've been busy. Not the homicidal rage-look out she's gone postal and is mounting Stepford skulls on posts in my front yard, busy. But busy with day to day, nonetheless.

How are all of you? What's new in your lives? I have read some blogs late at night on the iPod when I remember to do it before I fall asleep (who am I kidding, I don't go to sleep til dawn) and have been trying to keep up, but feel free to lambaste me in the comments about how much you missed me, or didn't...

If you follow me on Facebook, I am funny/snarky at least once a day there. You know, in case you needed a more regular dose. Hell, I may even surprise you and post something tomorrow on this blog! Who knows...right now, I got a 6 year old begging for a grilled cheese and a snoring FCB waiting on the jambalaya that I am trying not to burn. Talk amongst yourselves. (Like you haven't been for the last 3 months.)

I'll be back!

What's Up Wednesday.

Wanna know what I just spent 20 minutes doing? Deleting comment spam from my blog. Fun, huh? The worst part? It was all in Chinese. And while I realize according to the blank stares of my family some days, I seem to wake up speaking Chinese for all that they actually listen to me and do what I say, I do not in fact KNOW ANY FUCKING CHINESE! Cashew chicken? We are great friends. Chinese language? Not so much. I also happen to think that eggrolls smell like ass, so I don't generally have much to do with Chinese.

Other than that, Wednesday seems to be same old same old here in Stepford. School and the usual afterschool errands. Shopping for patio furniture. We have taken the Field of Dreams approach to our backyard. If we build it, we may actually have people that want to come over and socialize with us and prove that we aren't actually the hobbits that we think we are becoming....what? Huh? Where was I?

We are setting ourselves up for ultimate entertaining. Hot tub, lighting, grill, seating...now all we need are friends...

With summer coming on, we are getting prepared to do a lot more boating and according to FCB a lot less "Disney-ing". PPPHHHHBBBBBTTTT! What does he know? I am a true Floridian. I know how to do Disney in the summer. You wait till the sun goes down and the sunburnt tourists go home! Then you hit the parks.

My daughter wakes up every morning and asks me if we are going to Disney today. I'm dissapointed that I have to tell her no. I could so crawl the parks all day. She loves the rides I love to people watch. Some of the getups that those people put on to go to a theme park make me shake my head in wonder and shame to even call myself a human. It's almost like they take all the luggage from the airport, shove it in a huge blender, mix well, and dole it back out to people as they leave the terminal. Thus you have a dad in plaid shorts, a long sleve shirt and polka dot tie and socks with Crocs in 90 degree weather. The moms aren't much better. Good rules of thumb? Tight ain't always right and I doubt you are going to find any poles to dance on for tips in the Magic Kindom, K?

So anyway. That is what is up with my Wednesday. Nothing thrilling. Barely funny. Hell, I am almost nap inducing at this point. (Which actually sounds like a fabulous idea right about now...)

So how was your Wednesday? Feel free to comment below. I'm warning you though, if you do it in Chinese I will poke you to death with my chopsticks!

Blogging from Honda.

So here I sit at the Honda dealership and I am so totally blogging from my iPod. Why? Cuz there is nothing fucking better to do. My magical sliding door on my minivan decided to stop working properly yesterday. Just wouldn't shut all the way. So I was all proactive and called the dealership to make an appointment. They gave me 9am. No human should ever have to be exposed to car dealers and their native habitat before the butt crack of noon. It's just plain inhumane.

So I pull into the service bay and go to show the guy what is wrong and it doesn't do it. I try again? Works like a charm. Damn minivan. It seems to be just as persnickety as I am. So I tell him to take a look anyway and he tells me if they don't find something wrong then my warranty isn't going to cover it. I then asked him if I should just bend over right there and did he need to borrow some KY since my butt was tingling like I was about to get fucked over. These guys see a pair of tits and automatically see dollar signs. Us females are complete idiots after all and will believe anything a man in a tie tells them.

But where was I? Oh yeah, so I tell him what I want, approve no more than an hour of diagnostics, and ask them to fix my powerport while they're at it. Went to go grab breakfast (yay chick-fil-a!) and here I sit. I figured by parking my ass instead of going home they might actually work on my van versus letting sit on the lot all day. So, while I realize that this post may not be thrilling or even very funny, it did prove that I intend to blog more often and can do it anywhere there is wifi while playing with my iPod. I guess this little sucker is good for something other than checking my facebook!

Still Ticking.

I really am. Even though I have been a complete slacker on my blog. I blame Disney (not really) and the stalker (yes really) for not posting regularly.

Wait?! Stalker?

Yep. Evilness hit my inbox.

I had someone who was emailing me regularly after they read every post to tell me how horrible of a person I was and how I was going to die, and should die, and bad mom...blah blah blurgh.

I blocked them. Then I did it again. Then I did it again. Then again. No comments on the blog, just my inbox. That was right chickenshit of 'em wasn't it? I was beginning to think it was the person who slammed me a while back about drinking the wine, but was never actually able to make the connection.

Oh well. I let it get to me. I'm over it. Fuck 'em. Don't like me? Don't like what you read? Don't read. For the 8 of you that stuck around? YAY! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE THE AWESOME! I PROMISE TO LIVE UP TO MY TITLE AS MESS AMERICA AND TO BE ALL I CAN BE AND RECYCLE AND RESCUE ROAD KILL AND...you get the idea.

It seems life is returning to normal somewhat. I am blogging. I have been feeding my snarkivore with friends and family and have gotten back into baking cakes and remaining upright and breathing on a daily basis. The new batteries in my defib are scheduled to last 9 years. My Punk is refining her smart-assed personality into someone I am truly proud of, and FCB and I are not only getting along again, we are giving the whole "relationship that doesn't suck" another go. It may last, it may not. (The annual Disney pass that he bought to accompany us on family outings doesn't hurt.)

So I am back in the saddle. And while it may take a while to remember how to ride this horse, know that I will fall off repeatedly to make sure to supply my adoring readers with plucky comic relief.

Just a little update on the Punk, she is not doing so great in Kindergarten and they are talking about holding her back. She peeled a bunch of pink crayons the other day. They told me that was disruptive behavior. It was all I could do not to laugh in their faces. She comes home and says things like, "What is that curious noise?" and uses words like "humongous" and "disgusting" "revolting" "exhausting" and of course, my favorite, when asked to clean her room..."Mom! I can't! It's too TEDIOUS!"

She will be the smartest 18 year old in the 6th grade.

She stood there in the hall the other day and said, "Aww shucks!"

I laughed and asked her where she learned that from.

She replied, deadpan, "I'm just growing."

I love that kid!

So that's it for the moment. I have to run and do all those errands like shopping and cleaning and general "mom" stuff. (Cuz I am just a horrible person that way...) My inbox is still open and my comments are not moderated. I am sorry I let someone get to me to the point that I stopped doing this because now that I have started again, I remember how much I really liked this. If you plan on leaving a great big steaming pile for me, make sure you tie a great big ribbon on it. I'm ready. Bring it!