Merry F*ing Holiday, here's your shredded heart in a box with a bow.

Because? I was having a great fucking day up until I got this email from Bacardi. Regulars will remember him. Friends will groan at his mention. Me? Melting into a puddle of sadness, heartbreak, frustration and sheer-all-out-unadulterated-rip-his-balls-off-pissed.

Hey I'm sorry for treating you the way I have in the past. I've done a lot of soul searching and found that I'm not such a good person after all... I'm sorry if i ever hurt you. You were so good to me for so long taking someone for granted is a sin after all. I hope you have a great Christmas... thank you for all that you have done for me in the past...

Merry Christsmas

It didn't have a "Dear" and he didn't sign it.

Back in July I was going over to his house and we were getting reacquainted. We have been friends for so long and have had that on again-off again relationship. He was conflicted over wanting to leave his girlfriend of 2 years because she had cancer and he didn't want to look like a schmuck about not wanting to be with her anymore. Then one day she up and packed and hired the movers and got out. He was elated. Even I will admit I was happy.

Then I got the whole story.

In parts.

Or should I say "minute instances of sobriety".

She wanted kids, he didn't. She wanted marriage. He didn't. She put up with his alcoholism. He put up with her grass habit. He assured me it was over and there was no more to the relationship. She wasn't coming back. Ever.

Fast forward to the end of July. I was helping out my best friend by participating in the Pride festivities and the parade float that she was supposed to ride on along with other employees of the gay bar she worked at. She was the only lesbian that showed that day. I hopped on the float with her along with a straight Waffle House waitress. Ah...good times.

On the way to the parade I passed Bacardi's house. I saw the "supposed ex-girlfriend's" car parked outside his house. That coupled with the wacky dodging emails I had been getting from him in the days preceding the parade and everything became crystal clear. The fucktard took her back. Too spineless to sever the relationship and move on, he had welcomed her back.

My reaction? I screamed insanely loud and obnoxious obscenities at her AND him through the neighborhood for a good 10 minutes. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I was venting.

She was on his front porch sparking up a doobie. He was passed out drunk out 3 in the afternoon in the bedroom. She heard every word. She knew I was yelling at her because of the repeated use of her name along with a plethora of derogatory female curse words I was hurling. She got mad. Woke him up. Told him some woman was screaming and saying all kinds of thing.

One word. BUSTED!

It seems he had not told her that he had any female friends or had tried to "move on" after the "breakup". I guess she must have just thought MOVING OUT COMPLETELY AND REFUSING ANY CONTACT WITH HIM FOR OVER 6 WEEKS meant they were just taking a "break".

The ensuing email I got from him was umm...entertaining to say the least.

what in the hell are u doing coming by my house and yelling at the woman that loves me... i'm sorry she doesn't live with another man, she doesn't have a girl friend on the side she loves me don't be fucking with the people that love me i care about you leigh but don't fuck with the ones that give me there all I was alseep when all this happened and it fricking pisses me off that you respect me that little.... i never knew you respected me that little . To me your nothing but WHITE TRASH---SO DO NOT CALL ME ANYMORE AND DO NOT LOOK FOR ME ANYMORE.--IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS REGARDING HOW I FELL YOU ARE MORE THANWELCOME TO CA;LL THE WOMAN THAT I LOVE HER CELL NUMBER IS ***-****.

*Let's not even get started on how much he respected me by telling me he was getting back together with her and he wanted me to go away quietly and discreetly. * (watch that puddle of dripping sarcasm now. We don't want you to slip and fall...)

So I didn't call him anymore. In fact I deleted all his numbers from all my phones. I blocked his emails. I put him on my blocked IMs list. I didn't answer that email. I just let it go. I figured, the pieces of my heart could be swept up and eventually glued back together. I would get over it. In time. I would survive, because that is just what I do.

Eventually as the days went on and other things filled my time and thoughts, my heart was mending itself. I wasn't pining away for him and even though he still invaded my dreams occasionally, I was getting over it all.

To be honest I hadn't even thought of Bacardi in over a month. I was sitting here at home today, working away at getting my gifts made for my relatives, and then BOOM!!

That stupid email shows up. I knew it was him from the email address it came from. He doesn't get creative when it comes to picking email addresses.

And now?

At a loss as to what to do. So for I have two votes for ignore it, delete it, and block that new email address.

One vote for email the fucking bastard back and wish him the unmerriest holiday of his life, and the hope a rabid family of porcupines crawls up his ass as camps out for the winter.

One vote for forgiveness in the spirit of the season, and just a simple "Merry Christmas and please honor your promise not to contact me."

(I should also note at this point that I occasionally experience a duality of personality and I will give you one guess as to who those last two votes came from.)

So I need some advice my bloggy friends. I would like to get some feedback as to what to do, before I act all impetuously and do something I might regret. You can either leave a comment or email me. My address is on my profile. Thanks for the help.

Oh and glad tidings and joyous holiday wishes to you and yours!

God wears boxers, Santa does briefs

Just thought I would clear that up for you. I was informed of these facts as I was helping my sister and her girls sort through laundry tonight. Turns out my favorite and only 9 year old niece has the direct line on this sort of info. Plus the entire evening was just an ongoing discussion of anything and everything as long as the word "butt" was inserted at random followed by uncontrollable fits of the giggles. What is it about the word "butt" that is so funny to a kid?

So that's my post, and I'm sorry it isn't long, but with the holidays and the baking and the ornament making and the helping with the sister and the taking of my computer by the FCB so he could clean my hard drive and then screw something up so he had to wipe out my whole computer and start all over and not allowing me to get access to his computer and basically severing my umbilical to my online life has all kept me a little busy. Rest assured I am writing things down to post when I get more time and my laptop back. I am just bubbling up to the brim with snark at this point and I have to be able to get it all somehow.

So to recap: God - Boxers, Santa - Briefs, Persnickety - busy but still ticking, Nieces (including new baby) - Doing great and keeping me supplied in blog fodder, Punk - Also doing well and thrilled at being able to spend time with cousins, FCB - Lucky I don't own a baseball bat to go all batting practice all over his shiny, bald head.

Hope everyone is have a chillaxing holiday season so far!

"Hey Mommy, I'm hungry."

"No problem Punk. What would you like for dinner? Would you like some macaroni and cheese?"

"Umm, no."

"Would you like a peanut butter and jelly snammich?" (What she calls a sandwich.)

"Umm, no."

"Do you want another noga (granola) bar?"

"Umm, no."

"Well, what do you think you want? Hey, how about pizza?"

"Oooh, yeah! And Mommy? Can we get that with brownies on top this time? I'll go get the phone for you...."

Pee First. Don't eat or drink during. Enjoy.

I aspire to be this funny in my next life. Cuz this dude wipes the floor with me in this life.

As the title states...go pee. Clear your computer area of any liquids you may be tempted to drink. Prepare to cease breathing from laughing too hard. Make sure your portable difbulator is charged.

(Oh, and if you are offended by anything he says, take it up with him, not me. Thanks.)

ENJOY!

They're home.

Older Sister and her now 1 month old are home.

This after the little one spent half her life already in the hospital.

The doctors finally found a medicine combo that worked.

I am glad I could be there for her when she needed me.

I am tired.

Because I am tired, I am getting sick.

Again.

I hope and pray (even though I stopped praying years ago) that Older Sister will never have another worry when it comes to this child and will never know the the pain and hardship it takes to raise a "special needs" child.

Even though I know she will never stop worrying.

My child misses me so much she thinks I am running away and abandoning her every time I leave the room.

We are going to Disney's Animal Kingdom tomorrow for some bonding time.

(even though it will weaken me more)

Because my "special" girl is my universe and I want her to have more happy memories of me than not.

Please keep sending prayers, positive energy and good thoughts to my Older Sister and her baby girl.

I fully believe it all helped and is still helping.

You guys are great and I love each and every one of ya!

I'm Thankful it's over.

Cuz family? (No one was even related to me except the throngs of children and the Punk.) And cooking? (If you call one dish of southern style special recipe mac 'n cheese that I came up with so my child would eat at least one thing because the mac 'n cheese they like to pass off as mac 'n cheese ever year is just a grease fest of no flavor and not enough salt, eww. Plus the fact that since Older Sister wasn't going to be there this year it fell to me to make her deviled eggs which I now know that apparently she is the only one in the world the can make OS deviled eggs cuz no one went back for seconds but I thought they tasted alright so everyone can just suck it cuz that means I can just take the rest home and so what that they were a little salty cuz it's not like any of the rest of the people there would even know a grain of salt if it jumped up and bit 'em on the ass. Ahem.) And FCB in rare extra cranky form? (He is so lucky that I don't actually own an aluminum baseball bat cuz I would so go all batting practice on his head.) And that was just the start of the day.

So when the dinner?!? came to pass? (We were late getting there since dinner was at 2 and it is cosmically impossible for me to be anywhere on time. Seriously. Me being on time would result in flaming frogs raining down from the sky to mark the end of the world as we know it. Even though my being late had nothing to do with me and everything to do with Punk and FCB draggin' ass and fighting and generally just goofing off to drive me to the edge of batty right before we had to leave the house, at which time FCB stated that he was driving and MY minivan at that, and proceeded to get in and start adjusting my seat controls as well as my mirrors and where the hell did I put that crowbar, cuz bat be damned, anything would do at this point!) So we got there at 3. (They were getting ready to start and we arrived just in time to catch the AMEN of the blessing and as I am standing there with food in my hands FCB just sat right down at the table to start feeding like a hoover-vac stuck on permanent suck. I found a place to put the food and when I uncovered my to-die-for mac 'n cheese noses curled up bigger than a whole closet full of elf shoes and was told promptly that there was already mac 'n cheese on the table. oh yeah? Bite me.) And the kids? (They all dove into my mac 'n cheese cuz it was kid friendly and made with Velveeta and actually had FLAVOR to it as well as SALT and PEPPER, and everyone who actually braved the wrath of the hostess to try it said it was WONDERFUL! And no that is not bragging it is just fact cuz I just know I am a good cook that way plus I have had to suffer the bland tasteless food that is this family's fare for the last umpteen years and I know that these people are ready to have something else besides unseasoned cardboard.) And the dinner? (Who the fuck makes mashed potatoes without any milk or butter or salt and pepper or maybe even a little sour cream and garlic? I swear these potatoes were cooked, thrown in a bowl and mashed. Nothing added. Nothing. Hork. Gag. WTF? The green beans? No casserole, just green beans thrown in a dish and heated. NO SALT AND PEPPER. The Stuffing? I honestly think they shredded some cardboard and threw in some cranberries. The corn? Same as the green beans. Canned, thrown in a bowl and heated without being seasoned. Creamed onions...WTF...orange whipped-looking something I didn't touch...rolls that were raw dough in the middle...TWO fried turkeys and one roasted one. I was given one slice of the roasted one. That's it. And don't get me started on the broccoli casserole that my BIL made. Bless his heart, with the wife in the hospital with the youngest of five, he attempted to make one of her dishes that she cranks out every year. I was with her in the hospital when the husband called 5 times to have her walk him through making it. At first taste it seemed that he got it right, but about 5 minutes after eating it my tummy decided that he didn't. I had a lovely view of the restroom for the remainder of the evening.) All in all these people have never even heard of seasoning food. It was tragic. Don't even get me started on dessert. If you can even call it that. I came home and had some ice cream.

So today? The easy-peasy turkey breast in a bag that goes straight to oven from the freezer is cooking away. The (well seasoned) creamed corn, is on the stove. The green bean casserole is ready to be made along with the (well seasoned) stuffing. The sour cream, chive and garlic (and salt and pepper) mashed potatoes are in the making. The mac 'n cheese will be reheated (because it tastes great even on the second day, and try doing that with greasy traditional stuff) and there will be blueberry pie and strawberry cheesecake. Oh and the deviled eggs? Plenty of them left over because I took what was left back home with me. So a nice, well seasoned dinner will be had by this family in my house with a nice plate made up for Older Sister that is still in the hospital with the baby. (Baby is still hanging in there through the wacky medicine changes.)
And after today? Will definitely be thankful that it will be finally, completely over. At least for a month. Then there is Xmas to worry about. But that is waaaaay far off in the distance and if I rock myself back and forth and chant that is doesn't exist, maybe it will go away. Maybe.

I have like 8 drafts just sitting here waiting to get finished.

I hardly ever finish anything. The fact that I have actually managed to complete and publish posts in the past is an outright miracle. I have so many things to say...nay...to express all over you folks like an upchuck after a trip to an all you can eat buffet. But like that puddle of shouldn't have ate goodness, it is just a giant mess of stuff all mixed together.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Bad. My ADD is usually quite comical to my friends and family because in any given situation I am carrying on at least 7 different conversations about 12 different things. My best friends (gotta love 'em!) can keep up with me without missing a beat. Or at least they have mastered faking it to a T. I just keep rambling on and on while my thought train derails like a 8 car pile up. (And that was a joke...if you didn't get it cause I'm all subtle like that...go back and read it again. I'll wait. Still waiting. Get it yet? Laughing yet? Need me to wait another second while you clean the coffee you spit out of your nose off the screen? Sure thing. I'll wait. OK. Back to the story.) So where was I? Hmm...scanning the screen for what I already wrote....

So my friends get me. My sister even gets me most of the time. Keeping up with me can be difficult on many levels. Through this blog I have found other people who get me and even think I am funny! Whodathunkit. I found out today that my friend's friends read me and think I am funny. Awesome! Thanks, that rocks! Y'all rock! So here's my shout out to all the Mooses, Gooses, Fruits, Vegetables, Monkeys, Squirts and any other freaky whacked out nickname you folks choose for yourselves.

I fully intend on finishing and posting all those posts that I have started and haven't seemed to find the time or thought train to finish. I may just cut and paste and put them all in one entry and let y'all try to figure it all out for yourselves. Who knows. As the family is circling the wagons around the latest health crisis and I have spent an innumerable amount of hours trying to be supportive to my sister, I have collected some amazing blog fodder for future postings. I just have to get it all out of my brain an on to the computer and organized in a way that my readers will understand and....oooh look...a kitty!