Still Ticking.

I really am. Even though I have been a complete slacker on my blog. I blame Disney (not really) and the stalker (yes really) for not posting regularly.

Wait?! Stalker?

Yep. Evilness hit my inbox.

I had someone who was emailing me regularly after they read every post to tell me how horrible of a person I was and how I was going to die, and should die, and bad mom...blah blah blurgh.

I blocked them. Then I did it again. Then I did it again. Then again. No comments on the blog, just my inbox. That was right chickenshit of 'em wasn't it? I was beginning to think it was the person who slammed me a while back about drinking the wine, but was never actually able to make the connection.

Oh well. I let it get to me. I'm over it. Fuck 'em. Don't like me? Don't like what you read? Don't read. For the 8 of you that stuck around? YAY! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE THE AWESOME! I PROMISE TO LIVE UP TO MY TITLE AS MESS AMERICA AND TO BE ALL I CAN BE AND RECYCLE AND RESCUE ROAD KILL AND...you get the idea.

It seems life is returning to normal somewhat. I am blogging. I have been feeding my snarkivore with friends and family and have gotten back into baking cakes and remaining upright and breathing on a daily basis. The new batteries in my defib are scheduled to last 9 years. My Punk is refining her smart-assed personality into someone I am truly proud of, and FCB and I are not only getting along again, we are giving the whole "relationship that doesn't suck" another go. It may last, it may not. (The annual Disney pass that he bought to accompany us on family outings doesn't hurt.)

So I am back in the saddle. And while it may take a while to remember how to ride this horse, know that I will fall off repeatedly to make sure to supply my adoring readers with plucky comic relief.

Just a little update on the Punk, she is not doing so great in Kindergarten and they are talking about holding her back. She peeled a bunch of pink crayons the other day. They told me that was disruptive behavior. It was all I could do not to laugh in their faces. She comes home and says things like, "What is that curious noise?" and uses words like "humongous" and "disgusting" "revolting" "exhausting" and of course, my favorite, when asked to clean her room..."Mom! I can't! It's too TEDIOUS!"

She will be the smartest 18 year old in the 6th grade.

She stood there in the hall the other day and said, "Aww shucks!"

I laughed and asked her where she learned that from.

She replied, deadpan, "I'm just growing."

I love that kid!

So that's it for the moment. I have to run and do all those errands like shopping and cleaning and general "mom" stuff. (Cuz I am just a horrible person that way...) My inbox is still open and my comments are not moderated. I am sorry I let someone get to me to the point that I stopped doing this because now that I have started again, I remember how much I really liked this. If you plan on leaving a great big steaming pile for me, make sure you tie a great big ribbon on it. I'm ready. Bring it!

Cuz I just need to get it out.

Some one on my Facebook asked why I didn't just report the big bad doctors for being meanies to me. Like it would really be that simple. Like car shopping without a penis is quick, cheap and painless! (And anyone with breasts will know exactly the tone of sarcasm that the previous sentence should be read with.)

In case you aren't on my Facebook friends list or just don't actually know me in person yet or are just tuning in (HI! Welcome!) I have been beeping for a week. Yup. You read that right. Beeping. My boobie alarm has been going off at 5:11 and 11:11 both AM and PM. I say boobie, but it is really in my left chest muscle. And since my tatas resemble cantaloupes in socks when not in a bra, and have a close personal relationship with my bellybutton, it is located far above my left breast.

The beeping is a warning from my implanted cardiac defibrillator or ICD. It seems the sucker has had enough and the batteries are dying on me. The powers that be just decided a nice death warble at 5AM was going to be oh so funny and timely at letting me know it was time for a change. The bad part is, to change the batteries, you have to remove the whole unit. Which involves slicing my skin and muscle tissue open and going digging around in my chest cavity with a set of salad tongs looking for the little fucker. Ahh...fun times!

I don't want anymore surgery. I would be happy just to let the little thing die a slow death in my body and sit there defunct for the rest of my life. When I said as much to the nurse today in the cardiologist's office she looked at me like I just asked her if it was alright for me to set myself aflame right there in the office and take everyone working there with me. Seriously. Aww, horror and disbelief across this woman's face in a priceless expression! If I had a camera with me it would have been a great shot! I went on to tell her that I just didn't want the thing in my chest and would only agree to surgery if it was removed entirely an not put back. I then got a very audible, "Blink-blinkblink--blink." Like the thought of not having a toaster in my tit was unheard of!

Needless to say...lots actually going on here. Went to Disney for my birthday and had a good time, then got back home long enough to grab my kid and drive to Georgia for a less than 24 hour visit with my 70 year old aunt for her birthday. That whirlwind trip got me sick. So I was in bed last week nursing myself back to health. Took me days to figure out that the beeping wasn't the computer, TV or phone, but actually me. Weirded me out at first. Just glad the sucker didn't start glowing. I also got in touch with a long lost friend this past week and had a 3 hour phone conversation with her. It was nice hearing from her and catching up.

FCB actually remembered to get the Punk and I something for Valentine's Day. I got the big box of Whitman's (my favorite) and Punk got a little heart box of chocolates and a kissing Mickey Mouse. (Seriously, the sound this thing makes is supposed to be kissing but after about the 300th time the sound just makes you want to gag a little.) FCB got a Fillet Mignon dinner and the promise to make fall off the bone ribs on his first day off. Oh yeah, and a card from Punk and one from me. The card Punk picked out was $8. Yeah. That wasn't a typo. It lights up though, and hopefully one of these days, earn its keep by doing the dishes. The one I gave him had a Wookie on it, so it's all good.

When FCB gave Punk her Valentine's gift, she busted out with a, "Oh my gosh! For me? Dayuhdee that is sooo sweet of you!" I swear I not only have no clue where she gets this stuff, but will one day earn an Oscar for it.

Punk had her annual check up last week and they had to prick two fingers to get blood out of her to check her iron and sugar levels. It was like trying to put a sweater on a feral cat. She screamed and squirmed and I got so fed up from trying to hold her down to get the blood out of her that I told her that either I can keep fighting her or she can grow up a little and do it herself.

I found the magic phrase.

She stood up straight, stifled the tears and gave the nurse the bird and said, "Here! Take it!"

I love that kid.

FCB had an outpatient procedure last Friday. While he was being worked on in the back she asked me if Daddy was sick. I told her no, that this was just a check up like she had and he was fine. She got this look on her face and said, "Uh-oh. That's not good."

I asked her, "What's wrong, baby?"

"Daddy's so big, he's gonna bleed ALOT!"

Did I mention that I LOVE that kid?


So please excuse my unblogginess as my life has been hectic and a bit snotty as of late. Have an early morning appointment with my regular cardiologist to discuss my surgical options. I am dreading it as much as a Walmart mirror dreads bathing suit season. Hopefully no one loses an eye with all the expected blinking that will be going on. I'll keep y'all updated....

When you gotta go....

"Eww, Mommy? Did you go potty?"



"Yes, Baby, I did. I'm sorry. Sometimes going potty stinks."



"But Mommy! It stinks! It's creeping me out! You made my nose unhappy!"



And earlier in the day (now keep in mind it is cold outside), "Mommy? I need to go swimming!"



"No, Punk, it's cold outside."



"But I have a sweater! I can use that to go swimming!" Now that right there is determination.

Attention all spammers!

You will be deleted right before I set my attack rabid pet raccoons and possums on you while I am removing your testicles with a pair of rusty garden shears.

And if you didn't have testicles before I started torturing you, you will wish you had them so that I had stopped there before moving on to other protruding appendages.

NO SPAM ALLOWED!

I thought about posting yesterday...

But I got over it. I was tired and had a long day of embarrassment and eye strain along with one too many cocktails at lunch. So here ya get me well rested and sober! Don't blame me if I'm not as funny.

So...lots of ground to cover and going to try to do it all while the FCB is out of the house and the Punk is asleep to avoid any unnecessary interruption. Recap of the last week: Monday I overslept from the afternoon nap and was late picking up the Punk from school. I mean I was THE LAST parent in the line for parent pick up. I was admonished by a stepford wife that I was doing psycho-social damage to my child for life for being the last parent and embarrassing my child in front of her peers. Yeah, right. Like a kid who will start spontaneously breaking out into a Disney medley in crowded public places has soooo many issues with being easily embarrassed. Moving on.

Tuesday we had an appointment with the opthomologist for the Punk. Exactly one week earlier I was volunteering for the school vision and hearing screening when some stepford that they handed a machine to and told her to aim it at the eyes of a child and the fact that she didn't drop it right off the bat was her only qualification at using the fucking thing, told me that my child failed the vision screening so badly that it was a wonder she could even see to walk. WTF?! You don't tell any mom that kind of thing! Especially one that is taking the time out her day to help you with your clusterfuck of an attempt at vision screenings for small children! After she told me this and 2 other moms had ducked out because they had to get to work or some such, I suddenly came down with a bad case of IDON'TGIVEAFLYINGFUCK and told her I had a thing and needed to jet. So I left. Left her to finish her screenings on 300 more kids with just her and another stepford that had taken way to much of her child's Ritalin. They could manage. So back to this past week and we are in the waiting room for the doctor to see her and this is after they dilate Punk's eyes and who should appear but a man dressed in a Ronald McDonald outfit, makeup and all, to come say hi to all the kiddies in the hospital. My daughter almost wet herself upon seeing him. I carry a camera everywhere, so I got a picture. It's adorable!

She walks up to him and tells him, "You made me pancakes this morning! Thanks!"

I asked him how often he heard that phrase in the morning. (He was cute all up under there!)

After the appointment and the doctor telling me that my daughter is as blind as a bat we returned home to search out places to go to get some "pink and sparkly glasses" so "I'm gonna wear glasses like Mommy" and I am glad she is so excited about it because at her age I didn't want anything to do with glasses even though I needed them badly. She ended up with a pair of blue glasses ("Like Cinderella!" Even though Cinderella doesn't wear glasses and I think she is referring to the color of Cindy's dress there.) and a pair of pink (non-sparkly) ones for her backup pair. This should be an adventure when they come back from being made in 7-10 days.

So I think I slept through Wednesday since I don't remember it and I am just that damn tired.

Thursday we ended up at the doctors office for the Punk because she has a UTI. She is being a trooper about it and even taking her medicine. (A monumental achievement for her!)

Friday dawns with me having an eye exam at the same place we went to get the Punk's glasses. I invited Moose (best friend for any new readers, FCB stands for the Fat Cranky Bastard I live with and Punk is my daughter. All clear? Carrying on...) along to the appointment for an opinion on frame selections. Since the last time I went to get glasses the lady told me I looked like I wasn't a day over 45 with the frames I selected and I was actually 32 at the time, I needed to get the input of someone who loved me that I trusted. Even after asking about 10 strangers and everyone in the store that worked there, I still needed another opinion. So I dragged Moose out of bed to meet me at the glasses place to endure this all with me cuz that is just how I show my love. I had an appointment at 11 and didn't get seen until noon. Why? Because the doc was a talker. Chatty even. Before he even looked at my eyes he was telling me the names of his kids and all kinds of other information that I really didn't need to know. But let me back this story up a minute to share with you, my dear readers, about a nifty new machine that they have that can take a picture of your retina. The lady assisting me tells me that they have this new machine that for only $10 can save me from them having to put those awful drops in my eyes to dilate them. Unfortunately it isn't covered by insurance. WOW! Only $10? I would give my left tit not to have those damn drops in my eyes! Ten bucks and you are SOLD! Best $10 I have ever spent! (And I mean no disrespect for any hard working crack ho's out there.)

So the doc starts the eye exam and put this machine in front of my face. He couldn't get it all the way to my forehead because my boobs were in the way. He then went on to chat about how some woman eye doc had invented a machine to accommodate women and their tatas. I was all like, "And why don't you have one?"

Then the conversation went to golf being harder to play for women than men because of the boob issue. I asked him if he had ever seen a woman with larger boobs play golf and for some unknown reason proceeded to demonstrate. Moose then chimes in that I don't play golf. I told her that I used to all the time and then the doc said he didn't play often and didn't see the appeal.

Then, in the most excellent feat of shoving my foot in my mouth, I proclaimed that it was fun to chase around after little balls to whack them with a stick. Moose and the doc lost it. It was like Gigglefest '10 in there.

We finished up the exam and he said I should see better than ever now that he corrected the screw ups that the last place told me I just had to live with. I thanked him and told him that I liked that he took the extra time and it was like other places where they just had you in and out, in and out. At that point the new round of giggles started and the doc said IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE STORE...We started it off talking about chasing balls and ended with in and out, in and out.

Talk about one purple colored Persnickety. Embarrassed wouldn't have even begun to describe what I felt at that moment.

Off to Chili's with Moose for lunch and some much needed pina coladas where we found the menu to be changed yet again (they do that about every 6 months) and almost every dish has cilantro added to it. I can't have cilantro. Call it an allergy or whatever, but when I smell or taste cilantro, it's like I am chewing on some homeless man's dirty socks. just a nasty, foul, almost metallic smell and taste. It's gross. I told the waiter that someone went a little overboard on the cilantro and for as much as it was listed in the menu they should just change the name of the place to Cilantro's. I had a steak sandwich. And I think I will wait another 6 months to go back until they change their menu again.

So that was my week! Thrilling, no? Next week should be more interesting as I am going to go "Drink around the world" at Epcot for my birthday celebration, "Leigh's older than Jesus!" Hopefully a great time will be had by all. I got a room on property, so the Mouse will be the designated driver for the evening.

Hope everyone has a great week!

My Fabulous Friday Night

This was an actual Facebook conversation on Friday night. It should be noted that most of the conversations between me and this friend are just as wonky. Read this first, and then we can delve into the rest of my so called fabulous life. The comments in bold parentheses are my added charm and wit after the fact. I thought this conversation needed commentary here and there. My snarky sarcastic present to all of you. Happy fuckin holidays.



8:47 Leigh
Boo


8:47pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ahhhhhhhhh
aint skeerd


8:47pm Leigh
LOL


8:47pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
wha cha doin


8:47pm Leigh
Um...talking to you....
Kinda thought that was obvious.


8:48pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
thats me...capitan obvious


(I guess that makes me Sargent Sarcasm)



8:48pm Leigh
Now with new and improved BLUE LIPS!
I thought your profile pic was oh so Tim Burton of you.
Creepy, yet cool.


8:49pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
heh heh yeah... i like it too. took it after watching the movie daybreakers last night


8:50pm Leigh
You went to the movies or rented? What was that one about?


8:52pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
vampires... went to the imax with j.
his bday last night


8:52pm Leigh
Ah. OK


8:52pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
also had dinner at an ethiopian restaurant
it was an interesting night


8:56pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
hows the punk and you doing?


(Massive interuption by the Punk because she thought the floor needed a fresh coating of chocolate milk. I think she just tests me occasionally to keep me young and on my toes.)



9:31pm Leigh
She is tired so there is a lot of whine to be had at casa Persnickety tonight
playing video games all day mostly tho


9:31pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ahhhh. poor punk.


9:31pm Leigh
FCB and I went to the gastric bypass seminar last night
Sorry about that delay. Spilt milk


9:32pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ahhh howd that go?
the seminar


(I had to giggle at the fact that she felt she needed to clarify that the comment was about the seminar and not the milk. Stay with me, folks, it picks up from here.)



9:33pm Leigh
He is so sick he could barely stay awake
medicated and losing his voice
I am not a candidate. Even for the band.
He is tho He has an appt next week


9:34pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ugh.. whatever yous guys got passing around there... keep it there. i cant afford to catch it
why cant you have the band?


9:36pm Leigh
Punk and I are fine
HE is the one that is sick. I am holing up in my room like he has the plague
Cardiac wise, this practice won't touch me


9:37pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
lol... but i know you hadnt been feeling well and the kid is on antibiotics...so im just saying...
ahhhh...you and that ticker


9:37pm Leigh
Actually, I feel better than I have for weeks.


9:37pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
good. hope it stays that way


9:38pm Leigh
She is on the antibiotics because we are hedging our bets against bedbugs.
That is the only reason she is on them



(Long story short, hotel from hell that I stayed at near Disney in between the holidays was possibly infested with bedbugs. Punk was bitten over 100 times. She is completely better now. Stay away from the Buena Vista Suites. Moving on.)



9:39pm Leigh
He wanted to make sure the hives weren't because of a bacterial thing, but I have never heard of bacteria giving you hives. She only had them on Tues and hasn't had anything wonky since.


9:39pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ok.... like i said... just saying... i dont need no crudilicious junk in my immunity system


9:39pm Leigh
I know.
Just letting you know what is going on. Easier to type here than it is on the itty bitty phone


9:40pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
lol yeah
thats why ive been on here all day... ive have been one lazy mutha farkle all day. havent moved from the couch other than to warm up some beans for dinner


9:42pm Leigh
Lazy Mutha Farkle is hereby and henceforth now your Official Other Nickname. LMFAO!!


9:42pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
LOL thought youd get a kick outta that


9:43pm Leigh
Oh, so you are lazy but providing your own ozone for personal global warming...good thinking!


9:43pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
gotta do something...expecting snow flurries in the morning


9:45pm Leigh
we are too


(Yeah, right. Getting snow here where I live in FL is like saying Hell is a great ski resort.)



9:46pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
i knoe i know!!!!


9:50pm Leigh
excited much?


9:50pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
naw
lol
not me


9:52pm Leigh
You would think you had never seen snow before in your life...


9:52pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
lol...only a couple times


9:53pm Leigh
Hey, what program can you use to turn a negative image into a positive one?


9:54pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
photobucket.com


9:55pm Leigh
eh. I was thinking something already loaded on the computer like paint or something


9:55pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
paint sucks...


9:57pm Leigh
He got a new machine that turns slides and negatives into digital images


9:58pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
thats cool... has he played with it yet?


(Captain Obvious must have just taken a mental coffee break there.)



9:59pm Leigh
He is playing with it right now. I keep hearing LEIGH and MOMMY from the other room
Always need something.
I don't remember anyone catering to me when I was sick. And I can't tell you the last time anyone got up to get me a drink of water....


10:00pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
put a sign on your door saying leigh is unavailable at this time, please leave your message after the beep....


10:01pm Leigh
HEHEHEHe
Wom
argh fat fingers
won't work
they know I am in here and will bust down the door.


10:02pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
if you lock the door and climb out the window they will really be shocked


10:02pm Leigh
or pee on the door to get me to come out...either one


10:02pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ew


10:03pm Leigh
I should get a reward. OR a trophy. Or a hot little pool boy named Agador or something. I am an underappreciated mommy.


10:04pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
lol... id just sneek out and go to the bar and not tell them


10:07pm Leigh
Meh. I would have to brush my hair and put on a bra to go to a bar. Too much effort involved in that.
I'll just make up a sign that says Door is electric, piss at your own risk...


10:08pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
bwahahaha


10:09 Leigh

You do realize this is so going to be a blog post, right?


10:10 Lazy Mutha Farkle

Yup. Figured as much.



10:14pm Leigh
Names will be changed to protect the flatulant.


10:14pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
bwahahaha thank you




So that was it. Thrilling Friday night, no? Saturday wasn't much more entertaining. Went shopping today and the store was out of almost everything I normally buy. It was like the end of the world was here and everyone cleared out only the shit I wanted. Made for a grumbly Persnickety. What was neat about the trip was Punk wore a princess costume to do the shopping in. I figured, she's young and can get away with it. Unlike the folks over at PeopleofWalmart.com. (Warning if you do go to that site and have never been...pee first. Don't attempt to eat or drink while viewing. If you must throw up after seeing some images, don't say I didn't warn ya.) We had a couple of little girls who thought Punk looked fabulous and asked their mom if they could get dressed in costumes the next time they went shopping. (trying to start a trend here) There was also a crosseyed old man that was following us up and down the aisles. I turned on him and asked him what his problem was. He claimed he had granddaughters and Punk reminded him of them. I was all like, yeah. That's nice. Get in the cart Punk. She did after rearranging some groceries.

I am all for everyone having the personal right to be creepy and all, but when you start ogling my daughter...Get the fuck back, Jack!

Moral of the story? Out of everything in stock but creepy old dude grocery store not going to be the one I shop at anytime soon. I will drive 5 miles down the road to the other store.

And that is the tale of the most fabulous and entertaining weeking in my life since last weekend. Promised to be more bloggy. Didn't promise my life would get more blogworthy. Hope everyone had a great weekend and no one got yelled at by their homeowners association for still having their Christmas lights up! (Raising guilty hand and waving the biggest bird around to the stodgy old fucks in the association.)

Oh and by the way, if anyone who still reads this and isn't already my Facebooky neighbor and wants to keep up with my daily mental flatulance, I am AbsoluteLeigh on Facebook. And Twitter. But I barely tweet. I'm just twitless that way.

I resolve...

To blog more in the new year. People are still dropping by so that must mean that someone somewhere out there is still interested in what I have to say. Right now I am waiting on laundry to dry. I would rather be sleeping. I haven't stopped running on overload since October. My life is screaming GOGOGOGOGOGO and my heart is just sitting back all petulant and shit going, "Fuck you, Lady!" Seriously. And sleep? I don't get nearly enough, lately.

I was so exhausted the other day that the Punk could not get me up for nothing. She would try to rouse me and I would hear her but I just couldn't come around to awake or vertical. Then I hear..."Daddy? Mommy won't wake up. Where's the butter?"

Ever see a fat woman leap all ninja style off the couch and into a standing alert position from near comatose?

Um, yeah. It musta been hilarious cuz the Punk giggled.

I know I have been all horrible and shit not to have kept the masses entertained these last few months. So sue me. Well...don't sue me cuz I am broke and you wouldn't get shit. But be happy that I have a computer back in my room and can now blog at will and don't have to be at the mercy of a laptop. Crazy shit has been happening, and believe it or not, I have been taking notes.

Notes?

Yup. Notes. I knew one day I would get around to sharing. Wanted to make sure I had something to share when I did. (I actually just spelled SHART instead of share and was going to leave it had I not just gotten spanked by spell check. Told you I was tired.)

We have been boating lately. Boating. Yay. Mostly it is fun except for the nagging Fat Cranky Bastard. One of these days we just may come back from a trip short one passenger. Or at least he will be less of a man since I will chew his ass off for yelling at me. He is rusty at boating. I am new at it. That doesn't make for a fun little sail around Small World or anything. If he could kill me with a life preserver he would try it.

Lots going on there, and like I said I took notes. I have so much to share and so much to get into and ooooooppps. There went the dryer buzzer. Night y'all. Tomorrow is another day and I have to start it at the pediatrician's office. Punk has pink eye. And hives. Something going on there. Rather catch it early before I catch it too. More to come....

***I just saw that someone out there found my blog by googling "Tom Kruse shirtless". Umm...folks, Tom Kruse invented the Hoveround mobility chair. Not exactly the spankable material you were looking for, huh?