Rumors of my death...

Are running rampant like I am Bill Cosby or some shit, yo!

No really, I am not dead. The blog? Totally on life support. I have been watching and I have seen the 4 of you that show up faithfully, and to you, my friends, I say....Way to stick with a bitch!!

Life is crazy. You all know that. My family life is redefining dysfunctional on a daily basis. FCB is a nag, and I am now nicknamed the "Harpy". Joy. I am having Facebook fights with my family for everyone to view and as of tomorrow, it will have been a year since I have even heard from my father. (And I had to make that call a year ago, at which time he hurried me off the phone because he was late for drinks with friends.)

The father thing? Hurts. Lots. I'm dealing.

My little sister having a baby and it's a boy? Wonderful news! (But I know that that was the last shred of hope I had at ever getting my dad's attention again.) Which led to the Facebook fight.

Which led to my older sister not telling me she was pregnant, even though I knew way back at Easter, because she thought I was going to lose my mental/emotional shit. I got the call today. Because the BIL wanted to put it on the internet this afternoon, but she didn't want me to find out that way.

I think they are all just skerred of muh wicked-bitchin' FB fightin' skilz. I haz dem!

Then on top of all of this, I was invited to be a part of my city's Pride festival this year by selling my chain mail jewelry that I make. (I'm up to my eyeballs in jump rings and trying to produce as much as I can in a very short time.)

Oh yeah, and I have been homeschooling the Punk over the summer. I am hoping she will pass Kindergarten this year. 5th time's the charm, right? (Otherwise she will be the smartest 18 year old in the 6th grade...)

So I've been busy. Not the homicidal rage-look out she's gone postal and is mounting Stepford skulls on posts in my front yard, busy. But busy with day to day, nonetheless.

How are all of you? What's new in your lives? I have read some blogs late at night on the iPod when I remember to do it before I fall asleep (who am I kidding, I don't go to sleep til dawn) and have been trying to keep up, but feel free to lambaste me in the comments about how much you missed me, or didn't...

If you follow me on Facebook, I am funny/snarky at least once a day there. You know, in case you needed a more regular dose. Hell, I may even surprise you and post something tomorrow on this blog! Who knows...right now, I got a 6 year old begging for a grilled cheese and a snoring FCB waiting on the jambalaya that I am trying not to burn. Talk amongst yourselves. (Like you haven't been for the last 3 months.)

I'll be back!

What's Up Wednesday.

Wanna know what I just spent 20 minutes doing? Deleting comment spam from my blog. Fun, huh? The worst part? It was all in Chinese. And while I realize according to the blank stares of my family some days, I seem to wake up speaking Chinese for all that they actually listen to me and do what I say, I do not in fact KNOW ANY FUCKING CHINESE! Cashew chicken? We are great friends. Chinese language? Not so much. I also happen to think that eggrolls smell like ass, so I don't generally have much to do with Chinese.

Other than that, Wednesday seems to be same old same old here in Stepford. School and the usual afterschool errands. Shopping for patio furniture. We have taken the Field of Dreams approach to our backyard. If we build it, we may actually have people that want to come over and socialize with us and prove that we aren't actually the hobbits that we think we are becoming....what? Huh? Where was I?

We are setting ourselves up for ultimate entertaining. Hot tub, lighting, grill, seating...now all we need are friends...

With summer coming on, we are getting prepared to do a lot more boating and according to FCB a lot less "Disney-ing". PPPHHHHBBBBBTTTT! What does he know? I am a true Floridian. I know how to do Disney in the summer. You wait till the sun goes down and the sunburnt tourists go home! Then you hit the parks.

My daughter wakes up every morning and asks me if we are going to Disney today. I'm dissapointed that I have to tell her no. I could so crawl the parks all day. She loves the rides I love to people watch. Some of the getups that those people put on to go to a theme park make me shake my head in wonder and shame to even call myself a human. It's almost like they take all the luggage from the airport, shove it in a huge blender, mix well, and dole it back out to people as they leave the terminal. Thus you have a dad in plaid shorts, a long sleve shirt and polka dot tie and socks with Crocs in 90 degree weather. The moms aren't much better. Good rules of thumb? Tight ain't always right and I doubt you are going to find any poles to dance on for tips in the Magic Kindom, K?

So anyway. That is what is up with my Wednesday. Nothing thrilling. Barely funny. Hell, I am almost nap inducing at this point. (Which actually sounds like a fabulous idea right about now...)

So how was your Wednesday? Feel free to comment below. I'm warning you though, if you do it in Chinese I will poke you to death with my chopsticks!

Blogging from Honda.

So here I sit at the Honda dealership and I am so totally blogging from my iPod. Why? Cuz there is nothing fucking better to do. My magical sliding door on my minivan decided to stop working properly yesterday. Just wouldn't shut all the way. So I was all proactive and called the dealership to make an appointment. They gave me 9am. No human should ever have to be exposed to car dealers and their native habitat before the butt crack of noon. It's just plain inhumane.

So I pull into the service bay and go to show the guy what is wrong and it doesn't do it. I try again? Works like a charm. Damn minivan. It seems to be just as persnickety as I am. So I tell him to take a look anyway and he tells me if they don't find something wrong then my warranty isn't going to cover it. I then asked him if I should just bend over right there and did he need to borrow some KY since my butt was tingling like I was about to get fucked over. These guys see a pair of tits and automatically see dollar signs. Us females are complete idiots after all and will believe anything a man in a tie tells them.

But where was I? Oh yeah, so I tell him what I want, approve no more than an hour of diagnostics, and ask them to fix my powerport while they're at it. Went to go grab breakfast (yay chick-fil-a!) and here I sit. I figured by parking my ass instead of going home they might actually work on my van versus letting sit on the lot all day. So, while I realize that this post may not be thrilling or even very funny, it did prove that I intend to blog more often and can do it anywhere there is wifi while playing with my iPod. I guess this little sucker is good for something other than checking my facebook!

Still Ticking.

I really am. Even though I have been a complete slacker on my blog. I blame Disney (not really) and the stalker (yes really) for not posting regularly.

Wait?! Stalker?

Yep. Evilness hit my inbox.

I had someone who was emailing me regularly after they read every post to tell me how horrible of a person I was and how I was going to die, and should die, and bad mom...blah blah blurgh.

I blocked them. Then I did it again. Then I did it again. Then again. No comments on the blog, just my inbox. That was right chickenshit of 'em wasn't it? I was beginning to think it was the person who slammed me a while back about drinking the wine, but was never actually able to make the connection.

Oh well. I let it get to me. I'm over it. Fuck 'em. Don't like me? Don't like what you read? Don't read. For the 8 of you that stuck around? YAY! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE THE AWESOME! I PROMISE TO LIVE UP TO MY TITLE AS MESS AMERICA AND TO BE ALL I CAN BE AND RECYCLE AND RESCUE ROAD KILL AND...you get the idea.

It seems life is returning to normal somewhat. I am blogging. I have been feeding my snarkivore with friends and family and have gotten back into baking cakes and remaining upright and breathing on a daily basis. The new batteries in my defib are scheduled to last 9 years. My Punk is refining her smart-assed personality into someone I am truly proud of, and FCB and I are not only getting along again, we are giving the whole "relationship that doesn't suck" another go. It may last, it may not. (The annual Disney pass that he bought to accompany us on family outings doesn't hurt.)

So I am back in the saddle. And while it may take a while to remember how to ride this horse, know that I will fall off repeatedly to make sure to supply my adoring readers with plucky comic relief.

Just a little update on the Punk, she is not doing so great in Kindergarten and they are talking about holding her back. She peeled a bunch of pink crayons the other day. They told me that was disruptive behavior. It was all I could do not to laugh in their faces. She comes home and says things like, "What is that curious noise?" and uses words like "humongous" and "disgusting" "revolting" "exhausting" and of course, my favorite, when asked to clean her room..."Mom! I can't! It's too TEDIOUS!"

She will be the smartest 18 year old in the 6th grade.

She stood there in the hall the other day and said, "Aww shucks!"

I laughed and asked her where she learned that from.

She replied, deadpan, "I'm just growing."

I love that kid!

So that's it for the moment. I have to run and do all those errands like shopping and cleaning and general "mom" stuff. (Cuz I am just a horrible person that way...) My inbox is still open and my comments are not moderated. I am sorry I let someone get to me to the point that I stopped doing this because now that I have started again, I remember how much I really liked this. If you plan on leaving a great big steaming pile for me, make sure you tie a great big ribbon on it. I'm ready. Bring it!

Cuz I just need to get it out.

Some one on my Facebook asked why I didn't just report the big bad doctors for being meanies to me. Like it would really be that simple. Like car shopping without a penis is quick, cheap and painless! (And anyone with breasts will know exactly the tone of sarcasm that the previous sentence should be read with.)

In case you aren't on my Facebook friends list or just don't actually know me in person yet or are just tuning in (HI! Welcome!) I have been beeping for a week. Yup. You read that right. Beeping. My boobie alarm has been going off at 5:11 and 11:11 both AM and PM. I say boobie, but it is really in my left chest muscle. And since my tatas resemble cantaloupes in socks when not in a bra, and have a close personal relationship with my bellybutton, it is located far above my left breast.

The beeping is a warning from my implanted cardiac defibrillator or ICD. It seems the sucker has had enough and the batteries are dying on me. The powers that be just decided a nice death warble at 5AM was going to be oh so funny and timely at letting me know it was time for a change. The bad part is, to change the batteries, you have to remove the whole unit. Which involves slicing my skin and muscle tissue open and going digging around in my chest cavity with a set of salad tongs looking for the little fucker. Ahh...fun times!

I don't want anymore surgery. I would be happy just to let the little thing die a slow death in my body and sit there defunct for the rest of my life. When I said as much to the nurse today in the cardiologist's office she looked at me like I just asked her if it was alright for me to set myself aflame right there in the office and take everyone working there with me. Seriously. Aww, horror and disbelief across this woman's face in a priceless expression! If I had a camera with me it would have been a great shot! I went on to tell her that I just didn't want the thing in my chest and would only agree to surgery if it was removed entirely an not put back. I then got a very audible, "Blink-blinkblink--blink." Like the thought of not having a toaster in my tit was unheard of!

Needless to say...lots actually going on here. Went to Disney for my birthday and had a good time, then got back home long enough to grab my kid and drive to Georgia for a less than 24 hour visit with my 70 year old aunt for her birthday. That whirlwind trip got me sick. So I was in bed last week nursing myself back to health. Took me days to figure out that the beeping wasn't the computer, TV or phone, but actually me. Weirded me out at first. Just glad the sucker didn't start glowing. I also got in touch with a long lost friend this past week and had a 3 hour phone conversation with her. It was nice hearing from her and catching up.

FCB actually remembered to get the Punk and I something for Valentine's Day. I got the big box of Whitman's (my favorite) and Punk got a little heart box of chocolates and a kissing Mickey Mouse. (Seriously, the sound this thing makes is supposed to be kissing but after about the 300th time the sound just makes you want to gag a little.) FCB got a Fillet Mignon dinner and the promise to make fall off the bone ribs on his first day off. Oh yeah, and a card from Punk and one from me. The card Punk picked out was $8. Yeah. That wasn't a typo. It lights up though, and hopefully one of these days, earn its keep by doing the dishes. The one I gave him had a Wookie on it, so it's all good.

When FCB gave Punk her Valentine's gift, she busted out with a, "Oh my gosh! For me? Dayuhdee that is sooo sweet of you!" I swear I not only have no clue where she gets this stuff, but will one day earn an Oscar for it.

Punk had her annual check up last week and they had to prick two fingers to get blood out of her to check her iron and sugar levels. It was like trying to put a sweater on a feral cat. She screamed and squirmed and I got so fed up from trying to hold her down to get the blood out of her that I told her that either I can keep fighting her or she can grow up a little and do it herself.

I found the magic phrase.

She stood up straight, stifled the tears and gave the nurse the bird and said, "Here! Take it!"

I love that kid.

FCB had an outpatient procedure last Friday. While he was being worked on in the back she asked me if Daddy was sick. I told her no, that this was just a check up like she had and he was fine. She got this look on her face and said, "Uh-oh. That's not good."

I asked her, "What's wrong, baby?"

"Daddy's so big, he's gonna bleed ALOT!"

Did I mention that I LOVE that kid?


So please excuse my unblogginess as my life has been hectic and a bit snotty as of late. Have an early morning appointment with my regular cardiologist to discuss my surgical options. I am dreading it as much as a Walmart mirror dreads bathing suit season. Hopefully no one loses an eye with all the expected blinking that will be going on. I'll keep y'all updated....

When you gotta go....

"Eww, Mommy? Did you go potty?"



"Yes, Baby, I did. I'm sorry. Sometimes going potty stinks."



"But Mommy! It stinks! It's creeping me out! You made my nose unhappy!"



And earlier in the day (now keep in mind it is cold outside), "Mommy? I need to go swimming!"



"No, Punk, it's cold outside."



"But I have a sweater! I can use that to go swimming!" Now that right there is determination.

Attention all spammers!

You will be deleted right before I set my attack rabid pet raccoons and possums on you while I am removing your testicles with a pair of rusty garden shears.

And if you didn't have testicles before I started torturing you, you will wish you had them so that I had stopped there before moving on to other protruding appendages.

NO SPAM ALLOWED!