I'm fixin' to kill y'all with cuteness!

Throughout the rest of this Year and all of 2011...

May you always make the right moves.

May your cup runneth over with love.

May you always find shelter from any storm.

May you remain good looking and looking good!

May you find the perfect diet for your soul.(If this face doesn't make you want to stop eating sausage, nothing will.)

May you find perfect balance in the company you keep.

May you have as much fun as you can before someone makes you stop.

May the worst thing that happens to you come in slobbery pink and furry tan.

May you manage to make time for siesta.

May all the new folks you meet be interesting and kind.

May your accessories always harmonize with your natural beauty!

Should your mouth be bigger than your stomach, may you have a chewing good time!

May you always know when to walk away and know when to run.

And may your friends always bring you joy!

Yep. Dating.

We have been on like 5 or 6 dates so far. Actually I'm losing count. But loving that the time seems to blur and stretch and ahhhhhh. She is fantastic and smart and amazing and funny and witty and pithy and snarky and brilliant and beautiful! And yes I said she.

Waiting for the room to clear of all the people who just hiked up their judgmental thong into their tight asses.

Clear? Great.

Onward and upward! And speaking of upward...just made the Punx some muffins for lunch (or dinner...we don't do schedules much...ever) and she said to me, "Wow, Mommy! Look at those muffins suck!"

I must explain that due to her "Special Snowflake-ness", she uses substitute words when she doesn't know the right word to insert into her vocabulary. She's a Smurf. Only instead of using the word "Smurf" every so many words to talk, she uses "Suck" and all of the tenses that go with it. She's great at using the proper tense "Sucking, Sucked, Sucks" but while it cracks me up all the time, strangers are totally offended/confused/lost when she talks. Her other word is "Creepy."

She meant, "Look at those muffins rise!"

I totally got her. We didn't miss a beat. It wasn't until later that I had to go back and give her the right word. Otherwise the next time she is at school and sees a cupcake she is going to proclaim its "Suckiness" and then I'm gonna get a call from the PTA or some shit.

I made some chili the other night and that stuff is calling my name. Please excuse the hunger/ADD but I am gonna go eat. Just thought I would share a little more in the hopes that someone other than one (HI CHITOWN GIRL!!!) or two (HI GRAMMARPHILE!) people are still out there waiting for an update.

Told ya I was going to blog more.

Resolutions.

My New Year's resolution was to start posting to my blog more often, starting with the first day of the year!

Now my resolution is to make sure I procrastinate everything to the very last minute. That way, based on the timing of this post, I will have actually succeeded at one of them.

Happy New Year!

By the way, totally healthy this holiday season unless you count being infected with a case of the fuckits. No hospital visits. Xmas happened on time and wrapped (barely) and I sat my bored ass home one New Years Eve and watched Andy Cohen get drunk in HD.

Oh, and I am dating someone now. LET THE LOVELIFE BEGIN! (not that I am excited or anything....SQUEEEEE!!!!)

More (often) updates (I swear) to come (I really mean it this time) soon! Hope everyone had a great holiday! (I know for a fact that 4 of you are still checking for updates occasionally.)

Update

Since I last blogged, I have been busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. A one legged man in an ass kicking contest, if you will. I have been making chainmail for my first ever River City Pride Festival (a craft show of sorts) and I had my first showing. I have been working on my website http://www.beadserious.com and my little girl turned SEVEN years old. So of course....we went to Disney. I have had so much to do and so little time to do it all in...even my Facebook games have been ignored.

Just too damn busy.

So I figured you 3 readers that were left were due an explanation of my not here-ness or my did-she-croak-on-us-ness.

Not dead. Did spend a week in the hospital, but they never found the reason for the excruciating chest pain. One opinion was it was all in my head. I said, "No, Muthafucka, it's in my damn CHEST!"

Doctors. Pffffftttt!!

So, alive...doing OK. Not as busy anymore. Takin it easy, and going to go decorate my house for Halloween...on Halloween. Then I am going to take a nap. A November-long-nap.

Have a safe Halloween!!!

Wrong on so many levels.

So you would think by now I would have mastered my timing at going to the grocery store in Stepford. Certain times of day and you can avoid the crowds and do the shopping with ease and efficiency. I have not figured out those times.

Today I managed to share my shopping experience with the mostly dead, near dead, undead, a cat is going to eat my face soon after I am dead, "Jesus! How old are you, anyway!", and "You were really a childhood friend of Jesus? Cool!" There is a little bus that drops them off once a day for them to get their cat food and shit and then haul them back to the retirement home up the road.

Most of the time I go in the mid-afternoon. So do all of the rest of the Stepford wives and their heathen demon spawn. Overheard in the store, "Do you want another cookie, Tiffie?" (There is a one per customer limit on the free cookies. 'Tiffie' is also like 14 years old and looks like she wants the floor to swallow her up whole.) And of course, "Wellington Washington Jones IV, you get over here right NOW!" (The fact that this kid has 3 last names is not the issue. The fact is that 3 people ahead of him had the same fucking name and no mother had the sense to say, "WTF? I am SO NOT naming my kid that!") Welcome to Stepford. (They also point and stare at my kid because she will get dressed up in full Disney Princess costume and come to the store with me. She's 6. When else in your life are you going to be able to get away with going grocery shopping in a ballgown?)

Which leads me to the first display of WTFness and wrongness that I happened to spy in the store today on a lower shelf.

Look at that strategic straw placement! The brain trust who thought this up should be sporked. It is so wrong on so many levels. The placement of the straw, the seedy Drag Queenie aspect of it, and the fact that a child would actually have to SUCK LIQUID FROM THE UNFORTUNATELY PLACED STRAW!!!

Don't even get me started on that beverage being milk.

I'll give you a minute to compose.

Better? On we go!

This is the next version of HUH? that I have spotted in suburbia.

Just goes to prove that some people really are "Batshit Crazy!"

Y'all have a great day, now! Don't let your Tuesday be a Monday! (If it starts acting like a Monday, you have my permission to slap it hard enough to knock it into next Thursday.)

Rumors of my death...

Are running rampant like I am Bill Cosby or some shit, yo!

No really, I am not dead. The blog? Totally on life support. I have been watching and I have seen the 4 of you that show up faithfully, and to you, my friends, I say....Way to stick with a bitch!!

Life is crazy. You all know that. My family life is redefining dysfunctional on a daily basis. FCB is a nag, and I am now nicknamed the "Harpy". Joy. I am having Facebook fights with my family for everyone to view and as of tomorrow, it will have been a year since I have even heard from my father. (And I had to make that call a year ago, at which time he hurried me off the phone because he was late for drinks with friends.)

The father thing? Hurts. Lots. I'm dealing.

My little sister having a baby and it's a boy? Wonderful news! (But I know that that was the last shred of hope I had at ever getting my dad's attention again.) Which led to the Facebook fight.

Which led to my older sister not telling me she was pregnant, even though I knew way back at Easter, because she thought I was going to lose my mental/emotional shit. I got the call today. Because the BIL wanted to put it on the internet this afternoon, but she didn't want me to find out that way.

I think they are all just skerred of muh wicked-bitchin' FB fightin' skilz. I haz dem!

Then on top of all of this, I was invited to be a part of my city's Pride festival this year by selling my chain mail jewelry that I make. (I'm up to my eyeballs in jump rings and trying to produce as much as I can in a very short time.)

Oh yeah, and I have been homeschooling the Punk over the summer. I am hoping she will pass Kindergarten this year. 5th time's the charm, right? (Otherwise she will be the smartest 18 year old in the 6th grade...)

So I've been busy. Not the homicidal rage-look out she's gone postal and is mounting Stepford skulls on posts in my front yard, busy. But busy with day to day, nonetheless.

How are all of you? What's new in your lives? I have read some blogs late at night on the iPod when I remember to do it before I fall asleep (who am I kidding, I don't go to sleep til dawn) and have been trying to keep up, but feel free to lambaste me in the comments about how much you missed me, or didn't...

If you follow me on Facebook, I am funny/snarky at least once a day there. You know, in case you needed a more regular dose. Hell, I may even surprise you and post something tomorrow on this blog! Who knows...right now, I got a 6 year old begging for a grilled cheese and a snoring FCB waiting on the jambalaya that I am trying not to burn. Talk amongst yourselves. (Like you haven't been for the last 3 months.)

I'll be back!

What's Up Wednesday.

Wanna know what I just spent 20 minutes doing? Deleting comment spam from my blog. Fun, huh? The worst part? It was all in Chinese. And while I realize according to the blank stares of my family some days, I seem to wake up speaking Chinese for all that they actually listen to me and do what I say, I do not in fact KNOW ANY FUCKING CHINESE! Cashew chicken? We are great friends. Chinese language? Not so much. I also happen to think that eggrolls smell like ass, so I don't generally have much to do with Chinese.

Other than that, Wednesday seems to be same old same old here in Stepford. School and the usual afterschool errands. Shopping for patio furniture. We have taken the Field of Dreams approach to our backyard. If we build it, we may actually have people that want to come over and socialize with us and prove that we aren't actually the hobbits that we think we are becoming....what? Huh? Where was I?

We are setting ourselves up for ultimate entertaining. Hot tub, lighting, grill, seating...now all we need are friends...

With summer coming on, we are getting prepared to do a lot more boating and according to FCB a lot less "Disney-ing". PPPHHHHBBBBBTTTT! What does he know? I am a true Floridian. I know how to do Disney in the summer. You wait till the sun goes down and the sunburnt tourists go home! Then you hit the parks.

My daughter wakes up every morning and asks me if we are going to Disney today. I'm dissapointed that I have to tell her no. I could so crawl the parks all day. She loves the rides I love to people watch. Some of the getups that those people put on to go to a theme park make me shake my head in wonder and shame to even call myself a human. It's almost like they take all the luggage from the airport, shove it in a huge blender, mix well, and dole it back out to people as they leave the terminal. Thus you have a dad in plaid shorts, a long sleve shirt and polka dot tie and socks with Crocs in 90 degree weather. The moms aren't much better. Good rules of thumb? Tight ain't always right and I doubt you are going to find any poles to dance on for tips in the Magic Kindom, K?

So anyway. That is what is up with my Wednesday. Nothing thrilling. Barely funny. Hell, I am almost nap inducing at this point. (Which actually sounds like a fabulous idea right about now...)

So how was your Wednesday? Feel free to comment below. I'm warning you though, if you do it in Chinese I will poke you to death with my chopsticks!