"I swear Officer..."

OK, so let me preface by saying I did not get a ticket, but I could have. Yesterday I went to a dance recital for my niece and after it was over, the family decided to go to my mom's salon to get summer haircuts. I was driving towards the salon when I got caught in a traffic snarl about five miles long(on a Sunday...I hate driving on the westside) and I decided to do a U-turn and take a shortcut I knew.

I was driving through the shortcut behind the Orange Park Mall (There is a mall road that connects two major roadways.) when low and behold, running across the road, through a field, and heading towards the woods, was a woman that looked remarkably like a cheap hooker. She was wearing what looked like a royal purple colored SOCK. As in, it was tiny, it was form fitting, and she was holding onto the top for dear life cause if she let go it was going to slip down and she was going to give all the wild life in the field a good showing of her tatas. She was hauling ass so fast, her sock was riding up and her cheeks were flapping in the wind, her weave was chasing after her trying to catch up along with the overweight security guard that was moving as fast as his spare tire would let him. He had a set of handcuffs in his hands and as he was running they were sparkling in the sunshine like a set of glittering bracelets just begging to adorn Princess Haul-Ass.

As I was watching this, I ran a stop sign. Two people honked at me. No one crashed into me, nor did I hit anyone else. Thank my lucky stars that there wasn't a REAL cop around, cause I would have completely fucked my perfect driving record.

"I swear Officer, I ran that stop sign cause I was distracted by the purple hooker that just ran past." Uh-huh. Sure, Lady.