Bright and shiny, polished every Friday.

Not only did I find my long lost set this morning...they seem to have grown.

I was jolted awake this morning (well...actually it was 11am, but hey...still before noon) by the sound of not only my home phone ringing, but my cell phone as well. Literally at the exact same time....weird. I ran to the cell first, hoping FCB would get the house phone (he didn't) only to discover it was the same person who called me last night while we were out spending a wasteful amount of money on pyrotechnics. I don't recognize the number...therefore my logic is...you have the wrong number. (They didn't leave a message either so...)

Back to the house phone to see who hung up on my answering machine. It was the friend I wrote about it yesterday's post. For reference I am going to call him Bacardi. (Since he drinks enough of it he should own stock already.) This same friend, for those just joining us in this blog I call my crazy life, is the possible DNA donor of my daughter and the one time love of my life.

So I called Bacardi back. He started off with an I miss you and a when are you coming over. I returned a resounding, hacking cough. He said I sounded awful. I couldn't catch myself and my usual snarkiness blurted out. "Really, you think so? I was starting to think things were on the mend now that I have coughed up those annoying lungs that keep be alive...."

He didn't quite know how to respond to that, so he went with backup conversation 2. "I'm so lonely in my pants for you. I need you to come over."

Here's where the balls jumped out and chewed his (drunk already at 11am) head off. I told him the corpse of his relationship wasn't even cold yet, AND I am very ill, on the brink of another hospital stay. He needed to be a big boy and suck it up and be patient. That I had been his friend for over a decade through TWO failed relationships, and I was still here. Still his friend. (Even when common sense and the rest of the people that know me have told me to cut bait and run. Oh...and insert random coughing, hacking and loogies throughout that lecture.)

He was again seemingly at a loss for words until he decided at this point...cause he was drunk and obviously didn't care, that he was going with conversation 3. He pulled out the paternity card. "I want to see my little girl, I want to see how big she has grown."

At this point, the balls grew ragged sharp teeth and went for the jugular.

"I can't believe you are even saying this shit to me, Bacardi! Your girlfriend just broke up and moved out on you because her cancer was gone, and she wanted to start having children with you and you said hell no. She is two years older than I am and her eggs aren't getting any fresher. Is that the only reason your relationship failed? Did you tell her about me? (NO) Did you tell her Punk was your daughter? (NO) I realize that your other two children are grown and you had no intention of starting all over again at being a dad, but come on! She leaves you for your refusal to have children, and then you turn around and try to CLAIM the daughter that you have been refusing to acknowledge for the past 5 years? EVERY DAMN TIME I HAVE TRIED TO GET YOU TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND CLAIM HER YOU HAVE BLATANTLY DENIED HER! NOW WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU, YOU WANT HER? cough cough cough hack hack hack loogie."

I then got an apology. He admitted that he was being selfish and an asshole and that he was only thinking about himself and his needs and wants and why did I put up with him and he was such a schmuck and I was too good for him....blah blah....

I told him damn skippy I was too good for him, but I was still his friend cause I am just too damn loyal that way. I reminded him that no matter how drunk he gets, I still put up with his shit. He apologized again. Reiterated the "being a selfish asshole" part, told me only wanted the best for me and my daughter and asked that I give him a call when I was feeling better. I was kind of stunned at this point, because this is the first time ever I have chewed him out, or had him admit not only being a selfish asshole, but also being drunk. I thanked him for understanding, promised I would call someday soon, and told him that he would see me when he sees me. He said that was cool with him.

WOW. Now that I have rediscovered my shiny brass balls, and have brought them out for a spit shine and polish, I think I might just have to do that more often. Most of my friends have told me at one time or another that I am just a black and white kinda person. I am either too aggressive or too passive...never assertive enough. I guess this post is just to let the world know that I have finally accomplished my first attempt at assertiveness.

I'm all growing as a person and shit. Cool.