Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What's Up Wednesday.

Wanna know what I just spent 20 minutes doing? Deleting comment spam from my blog. Fun, huh? The worst part? It was all in Chinese. And while I realize according to the blank stares of my family some days, I seem to wake up speaking Chinese for all that they actually listen to me and do what I say, I do not in fact KNOW ANY FUCKING CHINESE! Cashew chicken? We are great friends. Chinese language? Not so much. I also happen to think that eggrolls smell like ass, so I don't generally have much to do with Chinese.

Other than that, Wednesday seems to be same old same old here in Stepford. School and the usual afterschool errands. Shopping for patio furniture. We have taken the Field of Dreams approach to our backyard. If we build it, we may actually have people that want to come over and socialize with us and prove that we aren't actually the hobbits that we think we are becoming....what? Huh? Where was I?

We are setting ourselves up for ultimate entertaining. Hot tub, lighting, grill, all we need are friends...

With summer coming on, we are getting prepared to do a lot more boating and according to FCB a lot less "Disney-ing". PPPHHHHBBBBBTTTT! What does he know? I am a true Floridian. I know how to do Disney in the summer. You wait till the sun goes down and the sunburnt tourists go home! Then you hit the parks.

My daughter wakes up every morning and asks me if we are going to Disney today. I'm dissapointed that I have to tell her no. I could so crawl the parks all day. She loves the rides I love to people watch. Some of the getups that those people put on to go to a theme park make me shake my head in wonder and shame to even call myself a human. It's almost like they take all the luggage from the airport, shove it in a huge blender, mix well, and dole it back out to people as they leave the terminal. Thus you have a dad in plaid shorts, a long sleve shirt and polka dot tie and socks with Crocs in 90 degree weather. The moms aren't much better. Good rules of thumb? Tight ain't always right and I doubt you are going to find any poles to dance on for tips in the Magic Kindom, K?

So anyway. That is what is up with my Wednesday. Nothing thrilling. Barely funny. Hell, I am almost nap inducing at this point. (Which actually sounds like a fabulous idea right about now...)

So how was your Wednesday? Feel free to comment below. I'm warning you though, if you do it in Chinese I will poke you to death with my chopsticks!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Blogging from Honda.

So here I sit at the Honda dealership and I am so totally blogging from my iPod. Why? Cuz there is nothing fucking better to do. My magical sliding door on my minivan decided to stop working properly yesterday. Just wouldn't shut all the way. So I was all proactive and called the dealership to make an appointment. They gave me 9am. No human should ever have to be exposed to car dealers and their native habitat before the butt crack of noon. It's just plain inhumane.

So I pull into the service bay and go to show the guy what is wrong and it doesn't do it. I try again? Works like a charm. Damn minivan. It seems to be just as persnickety as I am. So I tell him to take a look anyway and he tells me if they don't find something wrong then my warranty isn't going to cover it. I then asked him if I should just bend over right there and did he need to borrow some KY since my butt was tingling like I was about to get fucked over. These guys see a pair of tits and automatically see dollar signs. Us females are complete idiots after all and will believe anything a man in a tie tells them.

But where was I? Oh yeah, so I tell him what I want, approve no more than an hour of diagnostics, and ask them to fix my powerport while they're at it. Went to go grab breakfast (yay chick-fil-a!) and here I sit. I figured by parking my ass instead of going home they might actually work on my van versus letting sit on the lot all day. So, while I realize that this post may not be thrilling or even very funny, it did prove that I intend to blog more often and can do it anywhere there is wifi while playing with my iPod. I guess this little sucker is good for something other than checking my facebook!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Still Ticking.

I really am. Even though I have been a complete slacker on my blog. I blame Disney (not really) and the stalker (yes really) for not posting regularly.

Wait?! Stalker?

Yep. Evilness hit my inbox.

I had someone who was emailing me regularly after they read every post to tell me how horrible of a person I was and how I was going to die, and should die, and bad mom...blah blah blurgh.

I blocked them. Then I did it again. Then I did it again. Then again. No comments on the blog, just my inbox. That was right chickenshit of 'em wasn't it? I was beginning to think it was the person who slammed me a while back about drinking the wine, but was never actually able to make the connection.

Oh well. I let it get to me. I'm over it. Fuck 'em. Don't like me? Don't like what you read? Don't read. For the 8 of you that stuck around? YAY! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE THE AWESOME! I PROMISE TO LIVE UP TO MY TITLE AS MESS AMERICA AND TO BE ALL I CAN BE AND RECYCLE AND RESCUE ROAD KILL get the idea.

It seems life is returning to normal somewhat. I am blogging. I have been feeding my snarkivore with friends and family and have gotten back into baking cakes and remaining upright and breathing on a daily basis. The new batteries in my defib are scheduled to last 9 years. My Punk is refining her smart-assed personality into someone I am truly proud of, and FCB and I are not only getting along again, we are giving the whole "relationship that doesn't suck" another go. It may last, it may not. (The annual Disney pass that he bought to accompany us on family outings doesn't hurt.)

So I am back in the saddle. And while it may take a while to remember how to ride this horse, know that I will fall off repeatedly to make sure to supply my adoring readers with plucky comic relief.

Just a little update on the Punk, she is not doing so great in Kindergarten and they are talking about holding her back. She peeled a bunch of pink crayons the other day. They told me that was disruptive behavior. It was all I could do not to laugh in their faces. She comes home and says things like, "What is that curious noise?" and uses words like "humongous" and "disgusting" "revolting" "exhausting" and of course, my favorite, when asked to clean her room..."Mom! I can't! It's too TEDIOUS!"

She will be the smartest 18 year old in the 6th grade.

She stood there in the hall the other day and said, "Aww shucks!"

I laughed and asked her where she learned that from.

She replied, deadpan, "I'm just growing."

I love that kid!

So that's it for the moment. I have to run and do all those errands like shopping and cleaning and general "mom" stuff. (Cuz I am just a horrible person that way...) My inbox is still open and my comments are not moderated. I am sorry I let someone get to me to the point that I stopped doing this because now that I have started again, I remember how much I really liked this. If you plan on leaving a great big steaming pile for me, make sure you tie a great big ribbon on it. I'm ready. Bring it!