Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thucked Up Thursday.

There is a guy standing in my back yard watching concrete dry.

I want THAT job when I grow up!

Other than that, I am having a bad heart day. I awoke last night from a slight case of death, only to start breathing again. Eh. It happens. At least I wake up in time to start breathing again. But after that I not only couldn't breathe right, but my heart is just working too damn hard today. I had to sleep on the couch sitting completely upright just to not feel like I was trying to tour the inside of a tight plastic bag wrapped around my head. It is thumping like crazy and I get winded from just changing my mind. I answered the phone from when Feisty called this morning to tell me she had found fodder for our Crazy Lady Saw What?!? blog, and I was out of breath. She asked me if I had ran across the house to get the phone...I told her nope, just leaned over the sink. That's not good.

So just generally feeling like I am craptacular at this whole staying alive and vertical thing today. Hopefully it will get better.

The backyard in coming along. The house is getting unpacked. I have been given free range to decorate the crap out of this place for Halloween. (YAY!) FCB's reasoning is that our yard ornaments shouldn't walk away now that we are in a better 'hood. I am just sad that they only offer cool shopping choices for lawn and door decoration once a year. I even have my two gargoyles, Winston and Egon, from the last 2 years posted at my new front door along with my spiderweb welcome mat. Christmas? BAH! Halloween? BRING IT ON! THE DARKER THE BETTER!! I do everything in my power to leave that stuff out all year. If I am going to be forced to live in Stepford Suburbia, I might as well use every opportunity to scare the shit out of the locals. I'm never going to fit in here, anyway.

Little update on Punk's school sitch. A meeting was had. My demands were met entirely. She is going to stay in a "normal" class with "normal" kids and a resource teacher is going to come once a day to help with one on one instruction during learning time. Way to use that grant money from the gov't that you are getting paid for my daughter anyway, school! So I am happy, my daughter is less confused about being shuffled around since they weren't sure where she belonged, and I think I made the administrators pee a little in fear of me during the meeting. All is well in that part of my world.

Now if only I could get this persnickety ticker of mine to work properly, we would be groovy.

If any of you happen to have a spare heart shoved in the back of your garage or attic that you aren't using any longer, could you FedEx that over to me? Kthnx.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Not dead...or circling the drain even...

I have just been trying to take care of so many things all at once, and dammit! I only have two hands, one head and one heart. Gimme a little slack, huh?

There was no WUW or Thucked Up Thursday because, well...I was in Disney. Again. This time with my best friend, Moose. Or Meuse as she likes to spell it now. I tease her because I just see Me-Use. Me use phone. Me use bathroom. Me use wheelchair. She laughs but I secretly thinks she hates it when I tease her like that. My other best friend (I have three currently, and just wait, cuz I am saving the doozie for last) is going to give birth any moment. If only that baby would get the hint that it is time to come out. I volunteered to wave a green flashlight at her cootch to let the baby know it was an OK-GO, and she politely snickered a negative on that one. So luckily she didn't squat a watermelon while I was gone, but she is very done with being pregnant. The third best friend is going through a really rough patch right now, indeed. A couple of weeks ago, a day after her birthday, and on a day when they were supposed to go to lunch to celebrate her birthday...he never came home. Turns out he was arrested for allegedly killing his own stepfather. And then the news said he confessed. I think he is covering for his mom, who he thought was being abused. But then again, everyone has their theories.

She is as we speak, having to pack all of her belongings and her two girls and move into her mom's house while she tries to figure out how to be a single mom with no job and no husband and no insurance, all in a small town where the townies are all treating her like the wife of Charles Manson and the concubine of Ted Bundy. It hasn't been pretty. She is overwhelmed and lost and confused and I am three states away and can't give her a hug and tell her it's all going to be alright. I can't because I don't know that it is and my arms don't stretch that far...

I had a good time at Disney, but I feel guilty for going when someone I love is suffering so. I thought about her, and Feisty the Preggo, non-stop while I was there.

The really great news to come out of it all though? I may be able to either work at Disney selling my jewelry at festivals, or I may be able to get Disney interested in buying my stuff. I got a card from a woman there that was admiring my designs and said I should contact headquarters. Fingers crossed and we will see how this goes.

I have a whole blog entry in the works about the Disney trip, because with just us two adults and no Punk? It was hilarious. I even took notes so I would be sure to blog about it all. But I just got my stats for the week and it turns out, for some strange reason, no one comes to read my blog when I don't post something new. Huh. Go figure.

Thanks to all my loyalies to hanging with me. I promise to eventually get my house unpacked, my kid's school straightened out, my best friends lives back on track, my Facebook and Disney addictions under control, and crank out more massed produce funniness with the blog. Oh, and if any of you are as addicted as I am to Facebook and miss me so much you want a daily dose of random? I am AbsoluteLeigh on Facebook. Just sayin'.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Thucked up Thursday.

Because I missed WUW (What's Up Wed-Nes-Day.) And I say Thucked up because? Oh it so is. Let's start from last night. While driving in the dark (I don't see well in the dark) and in the rain (I really don't see well in the wet dark) I had the uber pleasure of sharing the road with some drivers that shouldn't even be allowed out of their cages.

Please Mr. Motorist: If you must get a blowjob while eating your burger, smoking a cigar, and texting on your phone? Please pull over and park somewhere out of the way like the rest of us do when participating in all of those activities simultaneously. The rest of us sure would appreciate it, and I am sure that blonde whose head was bobbing up and down would love it if you didn't get all that ketchup and those ashes in her hair. OK? Great! Thanks!

Oooops. Movers are here. For the second time in 2 weeks. Because they thucked up the first time. Be right back.

Still with me? Fabulous. So the movers just finished moving the second half of my stuff. They didn't move it the first time because one guy was on the ball with the packing and the lifting and the moving and the other guy hadn't discovered the many joys of deodorant let alone the motivation to DO HIS THUCKING JOB. So my garage stuff and all the boxed stuff in my house? Didn't get moved. Which might be a good thing considering that almost none of my stuff in the first round of moving escaped damage of some sort. Mr. Stinky Mover just didn't give a thuck and decided to toss, throw and generally pitch all my possessions at random where ever he thought they belonged and not where I told him to. What a thucking moron.

So now all my stuff is in the new house. We are now ready for our own episode of hoarders on A&E. We have tower of boxes and stuff and little paths through the house. Anyone bored and wanting to come help unpack with me will be welcomed with fanfare, a parade and pizza. Vodka and mixers are available.

So anyway, while I was waiting on the movers to get here, and having dropped off Punk at school a little later than I would have liked due to her morning attitude, I was rearranging the garage so that the movers could basically unload the truck into it and we could just sort it all out later. They weren't getting paid for this second trip and I thought I would try to make it all easier on them. While I was doing that the landscaping guys in the front yard decided it was time for a thucking throw down.

Let me give you a little back story on the landscaping. We live in a swamp. All of Florida is a swamp. Once upon a time a bunch of developers took a long hard look at this swamp and said with the brilliance of stoner who just found his long lost stash, "Duuuude. Let build some houses here and call it thucking stepford suburbia!" And thus? I live in a swamp. Lots of frogs, lizards, toads, a pond with fish big enough to eat your head and a gator in heat that lives out in the woods behind my house. But I digress. So this swampy yard is looking a little shabby, and since we live in an association, we have to keep it well maintained and green. Maintained? Checkeroo! Green? Eh...not so much in some spots.

So we called around to some companies to find out how much it would cost us to resod some of the yard. $300. $600. $6000. Uh, yeah. You read that right. One company wanted $6000. Just to resod with ONE pallet of grass. For that much money it better be the thucking Chippendale dancers resodding my lawn. Naked. With free pina colodas thrown in.

So we went with the $600 guys. Why? Because we learned from the past mistake of hiring the cheapest painter who couldn't even show up to do the job with a ladder and yelled at me because I didn't have one for him to use. Ahem. Issues there.

Well the $600 guys show up on Monday. Three guys in a truck sitting across the street from my house staring at me creepily as I shuttle my kid off to school. The head drunk gets out of the truck and says gruffly, "Hey! Where is it we are supposed to lay yer sod?"

"Um...the brown spots?" I got a half-pissed, half-confused look.

"Well you only got one pallet comin' and I ain't gonna have enough to do all of it!" He snapped, nastily at me.

I then pointed out the worst spots with as much dripping ire as I could muster. Told him to do what he could and we could always order more sod. He grumbles at me that he would be back the next day since the sod hadn't even been delivered yet. The next morning? Back. Sod was delivered the previous afternoon. On my way to drop the Punk off at school? Accosted by the snappy head drunk sod guy.

"Hey! Lady! This here sod is to damn thick! I can't work with this! I don't have a shovel or any of the tools I would need to lay this thick sod! Why did you order it so thick?"

I resisted all urge to lay into this guy verbally. It just would have confused the shit out of him. I told him I wasn't aware that there was a sod thickness standard, but I was running late and would take care of it when I got back in ten minutes. He got pissy and stormed off to his truck. Then the second guy comes over to me and politely tells me that they are under equipped to handle the sod laying for the day, so they would be back Wednesday to prepare the ground with the proper tools. Which translated into redneck is, "We'll be back termorrah with a shovel."

So yesterday they showed up with...weedwackers*. They then tore up the dead grass with them and left for the day. I guess they are union and they did their 20 minutes for the day.

This morning they show up, with shovels, and start working. I was getting Punk off to school when drunk sod guy #1 comes up to me and said, "I need to get rid of this dirt! I am gonna throw it in yer pond out back!" Umm...OK. Fine by me.

When I got back from school drop off, the three landscapers in the front yard are about to have an all out throw down bitch slapping smack down. Who knows what they were fighting about, but I was afraid I was going to have to get the hose. And sell tickets.

Lots of thucking swearing going on. Head drunk sod guy about to pulverize #3 sod guy with #2 sod guy trying to break it up. Head drunk sod guy threw his shovel into the ground and impaled one of my new pieces of sod.

"Hey! I don't mind if you kill each other but could you not take it out on my lawn? Oh and hose the blood off the sidewalks when you are done, huh? We just had those pressure washed!" By the cheap painter who didn't have a ladder and killed all my grass when he pressure washed my house and walk. Ah...good times.

So we are going to let the $600 guys finish out the day and the job of totally screwing up the resod while refraining from killing each other. Then we are going to make a call and hire some more guys to come fix the mess. Word to the wise in case anyone ever got a wild hair up their ass to inherit a house, remodel it, and move into it, all the while trying to improve it. DON'T DO IT! Back away from the dead relative's will and run as fast as you can with the cash to some tropical paradise! You'll thank me.

Hey?!? How come none of you are thucking knocking on my door to help me unpack yet? Thucking slackers...

*Blogger's suggestion for my misspelling of weedwacker? Wetback. So.Not.Even.Kidding. I shouldn't laugh, but my computer screen has been clean of laughed out coffee spray for way too long, now.