Sunday, November 10, 2013

The end of a very long and difficult road.

I turned off my implanted cardiac defibrillator on October 29, 2013. I've been in chronic agonizing cardiac chest pain since March of this year. Back in December of 2012 I met the most wonderful and important man in my life, my best friend, Jake. He makes me happy. He has accepted me into his life and made me a major part of it. He has offered me his home as a place to die where my daughter doesn't have to watch. I love him with all of my heart. I'll admit, I did fall in love with him at one point, but came to realize that we work much better as best friends. He is loving and supportive and he has promised to hold my hand as I exit this world. It's been 12 days and I'm still upright and breathing. I may last another day or maybe even another month, but I am ready to go. FCB has custody of Punx and is taking really great care of her. She is happy and healthy, and while we miss each other so very much, it's better for both of us if I don't die in her presence. Someday I hope she will understand why I made the choice I did. To protect her, from having to watch her mother slowly waste away in agony and anguish. I am dying. I've lost almost 200 lbs and am still losing. I am on heavy narcotics and when they are working, I am sleeping. When they are not working, I am crying and screaming and begging those around me to kill me and end my suffering. It's been a hard life, a hard road. I should have blogged more. This last year of my life has been a good one filled with love and acceptance by people whom I think of as my family. I am no longer speaking to anyone related to me by blood. I'm ready to go. I hope in the end there is no pain and only peace. I hope this blog stays out there for people to read and for my daughter to see as a reminder that I once was here. That a girl named Leigh with a persnickety ticker, existed. I hope I made you laugh, and cry, and think, and moved you in some way. I hope I made a difference. Thank you for being a part of my life. If you are someone I knew and loved, know that that love was true and deep and meaningful, for I never loved lightly. I did it fully...with every beat of my persnickety ticker.