Happy New Year!!

Wishing anyone who still comes here a very happy new year! I am alive, not hospitalized, recovering from a stomach flu, and have made a resolution to start blogging again. I miss my funny. I need to find it. I'll write until I do or someone puts me out of my misery. Punx is fine and growing and thriving. FCB is still a cranky old bastard. I have been dating unsuccessfully, but have come to the conclusion that I am not the craziest person I know. I have a couple of dear friends who are reaching the end of this journey called life and I am sure the outpouring of words will come when the time comes. Oh yeah, I had a heart attack in October. Still here. Suck on that Modern Medicine!! Hope y'alls new year is safe and soberish and happy!!

Pick me.

Inside of every one of us there is an insecure little child, standing on a kickball field, terrified that they are going to be the last one chosen. Or not chosen at all.

I was the one that wasn't chosen.

They would make excuses like they needed someone to be the cheerleader, or the "assistant" referee. Or having one extra on the team wouldn't be fair to the other team. If I had a dollar for all the excuses, I would have had enough money to hire a hit man to give all my enemies the wedgies and noogies and cooties they all deserved.

What does this little anecdotal story have to do with anything, let alone the fact that I haven't blogged in a damn coon's age? Not a damn thing.

Or everything.

Cause my life, as of late, has just been downright complicated, yo!

Lately? I have been battling friends, friends issues, friends relationships, family issues, car shopping for my mom, tonsillitis for the Punx, trying to get my business off the ground, health issues, heart issues, matter of the heart issues, friend's matter of the heart issues, friend's heart issues, friend's health issues, whole muthafucking subscriptions, and a vacation to the Florida Keys.

Plus I have been trying to teach myself how to play a harmonica. And when I get that down pat I am going to complicate it by trying to play a ukulele at the same time...as soon as I also teach myself to play the ukulele.

I'm suffering from Disney withdrawals. BAD. To the point that I may even be typing this all while wearing a princess costume. Maybe. Possibly. Probably. OK...I am.

I've had many new friends come into my life, and with them all of their drama and stuff. I have had old friends grow so distant that it took me 45 minutes this morning to remember one of their names.

Life changes. And it gets busy and complicated and sticky and yucky and sad and lonely and if I don't get a visit to tropical island with my very own sex slave soon, I am going to erupt. Or explode. Just call me Mt. Lakanuki.

And of course, it never fails. Whenever I actually sit down to write a blog, even if no one has bothered me for 4 hours, I end up with 16 interruptions, 4 phone calls a couple of text messages and spilled coffee on my keyboard. I guess it serves me right for drinking coffee at 5 in the afternoon.

So that is what has been going on. If I break it down it would be about 100 blog posts. But most of them would make you cry. Or need medication. Or alcohol.

I'm trying to find the humor and the snark in my everyday and it just seems to be a little lacking, lately. Sorry about that. No one can be happy or perky all of the time. I know people that would punch me if I tried.

Punx is going through medical stuff. FCB is miserable and hating his job, but glad he at least still has one. I am up to my ears in chainmaille trying to get ready for a festival in October. I am debating homeschooling because my daughter is not normal enough to be Stepford-Stamped-Approved and not special enough to wear a bedazzled helmet and lick windows. (That wasn't meant to offend anyone, and if you are offended, then I suggest you turn off your Internet, TV, radio and lights and hide in a dark closet for the rest of your life because I'm going to let you in on a secret: The World is a mean and nasty place that will eat you alive and shit you out before it crushes you under its heal.) (And no, I am not bitter. Much.)

Where was I?

Homeschool. We seem to be doing well at it. I send Punx to the little red building for socialization. She cries before she has to go and is excited when she comes home and has had a lot of fun. Then she will do school work at home all on her own without prompting, and then cry herself to sleep because she doesn't want to go to school the next day. I hope and pray every day that she will find a friend. So far that hasn't happened.

I also hope that kickball has been abolished.

So far that hasn't happened.

Still alive...but I am pretty sure I cashed in that ninth life.

I had a nasty bout with pneumonia about a month ago. Through the wonders of inept doctors and uncaring emergency room staff, I got to have a fabulous and lengthy reunion with all of my dead relatives and friends while I was slumped over (probably dead or at least having a great hallucination!) in a wheelchair in the corner of a hospital waiting room. Then to top it all off, the nurse of the year (big bucketloads of dripping sarcasm there) couldn't find a vein after only 15 seconds of not hardly searching for one so she rescinded all of the doctor's orders for lifesaving medication. She was the highlight of my whole visit! (mind that deep puddle there...) So I am home, alive, and pretty much ignoring all the frantic (and weekly) calls of both my cardiologist and my GP. The little wifi box that reads the difib in my chest is apparently snitching on me and now all those medical types are getting their panties in a wad. Personally? I am upright and breathing so I would like to keep it that way. No more doctors for me for the near future. The call it PRACTICING medicine for a reason. In other news, I had a showdown at high noon with the principal at my daughter's school after I called the superintendent and snitched on him. His phone call to me was awkward and uncomfortable and when he asked what he could do to be more accommodating to me personally, I replied that he could just stay as far away and out of mine and my daughter's life as possible. He wasn't happy. I was thrilled that the shit rolled downhill in the county school system here as fast as it did! Speaking of awkward and uncomfortable, I unfriended the ex-girlfriend and her best friend on Facebook. I still haven't heard from the ex, but I heard from the friend in an indignant email asking what she had ever done to me to make me delete her. I answered that I was trying to avoid the very conversation we were having. I hate awkward. It gives me the wiggins. Other than that, things are quiet on the persnickety front. Life in Stepford is moving along at it's usual and boring pace. And as I have said before, (Chitown...I'm talking to you here...) I can be found on both FB and Twitter where I am just a hair more updatey that on here. I am AbsoluteLeigh on both. Come find me! Until the next time my faithful and loving friends, I leave you with these sage words of advice: Never trust a person in a white coat. They are either there to poke you, prod you, lock you up or kill you. Either that or they just have really bad 80's fashion sense. Don't say you haven't been warned!

I'm about to see a spike in blog hits.

Because I always get more traffic when ever that Bones episode is on where Sully sails off into the sunset. I posted the song on here a lifetime ago. Bring on the the hits. Click a google ad while you're here or something.

Oh yeah. To all my regular readers...I am no longer dating. She ended it in a flurry of excuses, cliches and cold I-don't-give-a-shit-this-doesn't-really-matter-to-me-ness.

It's all good. She has a lot of issues she needs to work on, plenty of baggage packed, and didn't really bother to get to know me. I doubt she even read this blog.

Meh. Only I could have a 2 month long one night stand.

Hope everyone is well and life is good. I think I am coming down with the plague. Or at least a really nasty series of horrible crippling asthma attacks. Imma go lay down now...carry on...

I'm fixin' to kill y'all with cuteness!

Throughout the rest of this Year and all of 2011...

May you always make the right moves.

May your cup runneth over with love.

May you always find shelter from any storm.

May you remain good looking and looking good!

May you find the perfect diet for your soul.(If this face doesn't make you want to stop eating sausage, nothing will.)

May you find perfect balance in the company you keep.

May you have as much fun as you can before someone makes you stop.

May the worst thing that happens to you come in slobbery pink and furry tan.

May you manage to make time for siesta.

May all the new folks you meet be interesting and kind.

May your accessories always harmonize with your natural beauty!

Should your mouth be bigger than your stomach, may you have a chewing good time!

May you always know when to walk away and know when to run.

And may your friends always bring you joy!

Yep. Dating.

We have been on like 5 or 6 dates so far. Actually I'm losing count. But loving that the time seems to blur and stretch and ahhhhhh. She is fantastic and smart and amazing and funny and witty and pithy and snarky and brilliant and beautiful! And yes I said she.

Waiting for the room to clear of all the people who just hiked up their judgmental thong into their tight asses.

Clear? Great.

Onward and upward! And speaking of upward...just made the Punx some muffins for lunch (or dinner...we don't do schedules much...ever) and she said to me, "Wow, Mommy! Look at those muffins suck!"

I must explain that due to her "Special Snowflake-ness", she uses substitute words when she doesn't know the right word to insert into her vocabulary. She's a Smurf. Only instead of using the word "Smurf" every so many words to talk, she uses "Suck" and all of the tenses that go with it. She's great at using the proper tense "Sucking, Sucked, Sucks" but while it cracks me up all the time, strangers are totally offended/confused/lost when she talks. Her other word is "Creepy."

She meant, "Look at those muffins rise!"

I totally got her. We didn't miss a beat. It wasn't until later that I had to go back and give her the right word. Otherwise the next time she is at school and sees a cupcake she is going to proclaim its "Suckiness" and then I'm gonna get a call from the PTA or some shit.

I made some chili the other night and that stuff is calling my name. Please excuse the hunger/ADD but I am gonna go eat. Just thought I would share a little more in the hopes that someone other than one (HI CHITOWN GIRL!!!) or two (HI GRAMMARPHILE!) people are still out there waiting for an update.

Told ya I was going to blog more.

Resolutions.

My New Year's resolution was to start posting to my blog more often, starting with the first day of the year!

Now my resolution is to make sure I procrastinate everything to the very last minute. That way, based on the timing of this post, I will have actually succeeded at one of them.

Happy New Year!

By the way, totally healthy this holiday season unless you count being infected with a case of the fuckits. No hospital visits. Xmas happened on time and wrapped (barely) and I sat my bored ass home one New Years Eve and watched Andy Cohen get drunk in HD.

Oh, and I am dating someone now. LET THE LOVELIFE BEGIN! (not that I am excited or anything....SQUEEEEE!!!!)

More (often) updates (I swear) to come (I really mean it this time) soon! Hope everyone had a great holiday! (I know for a fact that 4 of you are still checking for updates occasionally.)