Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What's Up Wednesday Late Edition

So here is your WUW late style. Been busting my ass, busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs trying to impersonate a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

And is that isn't busy, I don't know what is.

So a couple of random things, a little update, and this WUW is underway and done.

I read today that Coca-Cola is coming out with a carbonated milk drink. I said it a couple of years ago...thought it would be an interesting idea...someone somewhere STOLE my idea and went ahead and did it. Not that I would have had the first idea on how to carbonate milk or have the funds to mass market it, but you get my whole "petulant indignation" attitude, anyway. So there.

What is up with people putting that memorial shit all over their rear windows on their vehicle? I don't get it? Nothing says love and remembrance like "immortalizing Uncle Bob on the tints of my bitchin' civic." Just seems lame to me. Maybe it's just me.

The house is coming along. I debated putting up pics to show what we have been doing but I thing a before/after montage when it is all said and done will have more of an impact. Kinda like, "Holy fucking Jesus H. Christ Jumped Up On A Waffle Iron that is a nasty-assed house!" to "Oh sweet Mary And Joseph Riding Side Saddle On A Unicycle that is an AWESOME house!!"

Needless to say the painting continues. I am still fixing the TERRIBLE JOB THAT KEVIN EDWARDS DID ON MY HOUSE! I say that in all caps because I am inventing all kinds of new swear words while I am fixing his MANY mistakes. I am saving them up though because they are doozies and sound really funny when they come out of my 5 year old's mouth. I can also make that statement and it isn't libelous or slanderous or whatever because he really did do a completely shittacular job on my house. And while I appreciate him hitting on me (cuz it was flattering in a way) I would rather fuck a porcupine sideways than help him cheat on his girlfriend.

In other news, Punk was messing with one of the new "Energy Efficient" light bulbs and broke it. In the process she cut her finger. She bled all over my new floors for 5 minutes before she thought it was a good idea to bring the injury to our attention. We immediately put her finger under running cold water to stop the bleeding and clean the wound when she starts freaking out and screams, "I don't want to put my finger in the water! What if I bleed out?!?"

Two things. She watches waaaaayyyy to much TV to know the term "bleed out" and the new floors would argue with her that she had already done so all over them. (Because if my floors can bring me to floorgasm on a daily basis, they can argue the degree of "bleeding out" that my child is doing. They are just such badass cool floors that way!)

So that was my Wed-Nes-Day. I realize that by the time you read this it is going to be Thursday, but hey...they both end in Y so I am all forgiven for getting this out late, right? Right? Helllllllooooooo????

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What's Up Wednesday!

Good Day to you all out there in Bloggyland! This morning is starting out with a truckload of OWWW sprinkled with healthy heaping of "OH MY EVERLOVIN HOLY FUCKNUTS I HURT LIKE A SOMBITCH!"

And that is what I get for two days of non stop painting.

I am painting because I don't want our house painter to come back to our house because he always has his hand out expecting to be paid. Now while I was flattered that last week he told me he "liked big women" and was willing to enlist me in a rousing round of "hide the salami (as long as you don't tell my girlfriend)", I am slowing starting to detest even the mere thought of him. He came back Monday to paint our chimney and didn't bring a ladder. Then got pissed when we didn't have one for him to use. Then got even more pissed when he said he was expecting to be paid AGAIN for work he had already been paid for. He has been doing this since he started the job. Every day he showed he would say he would come back to "clean up and fix the mistakes" and it would ONLY cost us a FEW HUNDRED EXTRA!! Hmm. Really? Only a few hundred for you to clean up the mess YOU made and fix the mistakes YOU made? How generous.

Then there is the general carpenter that has been on the job. Now, having ADD I appreciate when I see it in other people and those people are able to overcome and hold a steady job. What I don't like is when your ADD as well as your PREACHING AT ME FOR 10 HOURS STRAIGHT SO YOU CAN SAVE MY EVERLASTING SOUL in the most obnoxious way, prevents you from doing your job correctly and efficiently. And then you leave the job for your 3 hour lunch break. Before you come back to work until way past the time I want to go home. And then you just show up randomly in the morning or afternoon the next day. Ahem. That seemed to have gotten away from me. I am not pissed. Really. Well...maybe a little.

Anyway. So far the only part of the remodel that is going perfectly is the Floor Guy. I love me some Floor Guy. He is from Brazil, cute, funny and a pleasure to talk to. As well as being able to give me multiple floorgasms a day. Who wouldn't love Floor Guy!

So now I am off for another day of painting, cleaning and general waiting on people to show up. I get shiny new appliances today. I should get shiny new counter tops and fuzzy NON-BERBER carpet any day now. But for right now? Off to the "Pancake Store" (IHOP) to spend some quality time with Punk since she is feeling quite neglected lately.

So...What's Up with your Wed-Nes-Day?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

What's Up Wednesday is catching on!

Because somebody totally GOOGLED it this past week.

See? I knew there were actual people out there that read my blog! I know this because I see them come in my bloggy front door, walk through a few posts and then totally leave with out even having wiped their feet or commented or gone through my medicine cabinet or anything!

So for this edition of WUW, I am going to post a few things that people are searching for that lead them to my little corner of the interwebs.

Be afraid.

First of all, we have the person that searched most recently for "like a delicate flower". Now I am sure that when they got here, they weren't expecting the rest of the sentence that ended with "that is blooming from a dead buzzard's ass". Hehehehe...I love to surprise people with random acts of crude WTFness.

Then we have the person who searched for..." mom 'tie him up'". OK. While I know (better than most I should say thanks to a colorful background) that some people really like the S&M, this is not exactly the blog where you are going to find instructions on binding and gagging someone. Because? If I had actually tied up FCB and duct taped the crap out his mouth, I wouldn't necessarily post it for all the world to see....ahem...moving on!

"You make me run and you make me want to live" was a very popular search this week. That is a song by a group named Fisher. I was watching an episode of Bones (David Boreanaz rocks my socks) and the song was used in a scene where a guy sailed away. It was pretty. I Googled it. I found out who sang the song based on the lyrics and then Youtubed it and then eventually found the mp3. I love the song. I used it in a blog post. They showed a rerun of the episode of Bones on TNT this past week. Thus the explosion of searches that led to my blog. Hope everyone found the info they were looking for!

"Groundhog day ticker" because you just can't wait for that eventful holiday to roll around again and want to count down the minutes?

"25 way to improve your health" is weekly standard for Google results that lead to my blog. There are quite a few people out there that want to get healthy. I seriously doubt my blog will help with that. Plus it is just jammed packed with excess calories.

"Osmil Clan". Really?? This led you to MY blog? Why? WTF is an 'Osmil Clan' and when the hell have those word EVER been on my blog before today? I think the great and powerful Google has been smoking its own shoelaces.

"Hair doesn't move easily" means you are using WAY TO MUCH AQUANET! Cut it out!

"Hair ticker". Because you want to know how fast your hair grows or how many people come to visit it? Have you got nothing better to do? Go watch paint dry or grass grow. Really. Think of better ways to use your time wisely.

"How to put a ticker on a blog". Google it the same way the rest of us did. I can't tell you how everything in this world works! I would lose some of my mysterious charm.

"She is growing up so fast ticker". Are you kidding me? You need a ticker for this? Just go look at the snap shots. Or better yet...get off the damn computer and go read her a book or push her on a swing. They do grow up fast and before you blink their childhood is gone. I should baby is going to be six years old in a couple of months and starting kindergarten in the fall. I just turn around and she grows another inch on me! Ahh...I remember her tiny little beginnings....ahem. Moving on!

So those are some of the search terms that brought people here. If you are bored click the links and peruse the funny that was me...or bogarted by me...from the past.

Only this time? Wipe your feet when you visit my little corner of the blogosphere. Really. Comment or something. If for no other reason? To tell me how your Wednesday is going because I need distraction from the stress of my remodel.

Happy What's Up Wed-nes-day!

Monday, July 13, 2009

I smell like a delicate flower...

That is blooming out of a dead buzzard's ass.

Because today at the new house? No A/C. NONE. Nada. Windows and doors open and not a breeze to be found. I live in FLORIDA people. If the heat doesn't kill you then the humidity will finish the job nice and wetly.

We had the old unit replaced because there was mold in the unit. And in the ducts. And that was more than likely the reason that I was getting violently ill every time I spent any time in that house.

And then?

They ripped out the wall behind the tub in the guest bath. They needed to do this to get rid of the old tile before they installed the new stuff.

And behind the drywall and tile?

Mold, mildew, and.......massive termite damage. OH JOY!! RAPTURE!!

So all that has to be replaced. As if the A/C wasn't enough $$$.

I figure we should just get a shovel and start scooping money into the nearest deep pit. It would be cheaper.

So work continues on the house. Day after day after day....

The plus side? Every time I walk into the house I have a floorgasm. I love the floors. They are gorgeous!

As the A/C guys were collecting their check this afternoon, one of them looks at it, asks me if I am FCB (Do I look like a Fat, Bald MAN?) and said he couldn't take the check with out a driver's license number on it. I looked at him and said for the money they were charging they should be happy they are getting paid all at once, period! I then proceeded to tell him that I know for a fact the whole unit plus labor probably didn't even cost half what they were charging.

Then I said, "I know we got screwed on this because there is a tingling in my butt and I doubt you throw in lube for that price!"

The one guy was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. The one that wanted the DL number had a blank look on his face because he barely understood English. least someone got a laugh.

I also found out today that the Blank Stare doesn't work in Lowe's. I was in there today for a drain and when I stood in the plumbing section I got no help and a lot of employees looking at me apathetically. I ended up asking one guy for assistance. He actually SUCKED WIND THROUGH HIS TEETH before going over to a phone to call for assistance in plumbing. The 4 different employees standing around watched him do this. Then...they all just stood there. And then they stood there some more. (Gee I want THAT job!) Eventually, I found what I was looking for myself. But not before proclaiming loudly that I was about 5 seconds away from going to Home Depot. (No reaction from Mr. Attitude and the Starers.)

It's just been a long and expensive and frustrating day.

When I went to the school to pick up the Punk this afternoon, I walked in the door and the "Summer School Principal" looked and me and smiled and said, "Are you here to pick up 'Punk'?"

I actually had to stop myself from retorting, "Nope! I just figured I would wander the hallways for a while for the exercise! Here's your sign!"

My child is matriculating at genius central. Those people deserve a cookie or something.

The one thing that has been making me smile all day?

My daughter keeps walking around going..."Gotta get-get. Gotta get-get. Gotta get-get. Hey Mommy? Can I listen to the Boom-Boom song again?*"

She's a trip!

*Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Here's your Random. Want fries with that?

It's been rainy here in FL for the last couple of days. All this rain has led me to one conclusion. That all the Fucknards, Douchenozzles and Twatwaffles have migrated to FL and forgot to pack their driving skills in their little over night baggies. It SUCKS. I would feel safer driving through a pack of grannies that are blindfolded, too short to see over the steering wheel, anyway, and late to go play Bingo.

It's infuriating. Just because I drive a mini-van, doesn't mean I automatically drive like I am driving a mini-van. No, Sir. I don't particularly want to drive 25 in a 45. Call me crazy.

Feisty's Oldest Spawn turned 16 today. I remember the day he was born. Ahh...such a cute baby. It still leaves us wondering what the hell happened. Feisty says it's because I constantly screamed "HELLO BAYBAY!" to her tummy while she was pregnant. She is so screwed because I have been doing it to her this whole pregnancy as well.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car today that said, "Impeach Obama." At first all I could think was, "Why? He hasn't had enough time to screw or screw up that badly, yet." And then I thought, "They can't impeach Obama. That would just completely fuck up the new addition to the Hall of Presidents and Disney!"

Progress on the house is coming along. The first painters completely screwed the pooch on the whole job and had to be replaced by Speedy "Tattoo" Gonzales. That man can paint like a mad streak! Blink and your walls are a different color! I was so impressed and thought things were going to turn out all right....until...I got to the house this morning and the guest bath is completely the wrong color. I picked up the can of paint on the floor that it was supposed to be. Completely full. ARGHHHH!!!!

I asked FCB if we could just hire someone to be me for the next couple of weeks. That would be groovy. Then I could sleep in, play Farm Town on Facebook, and make her pack my shit. That would suit me just fine. He laughed hysterically and said he would replace me in a heartbeat if he could find someone that cleaned. That man is never satisfied. He hated that his wife never cooked anything more complicated than Hamburger Helper. I am a fabulous cook. His wife was an anal neat freak. Meh. I'm neat enough. Clutter is the new clean, I say.

Speaking of clean, the dust bunnies at the new house are throwing a parade in my honor for rescuing them from the filth. They are planning on painting a mural of me right over the shrine they have erected. I feel honored.

I make almost daily trips to Home Depot. Buy this, get that, mix paint. It's getting to the point where the employees know us by first name and are practically rolling their eyes at us when we walk in. I was actually pissed today when I went in and on a hunch decided to check to see if my faucet and ceiling fan had been restocked. They had. I was supposed to get a phone call when the items got in. No call. Makes me want to tie someone up with an orange apron and beat them senseless with a paint stick.

So that is most of the Random that I have for today. Punk is rocking out at summer school. Having a great time and progressing nicely. I am seesawing on the health issues. I have good days and bad. Was in bed last night at 8pm, and sitting here thinking that 5pm isn't too early to call it a night, either. So I am off to hoe myself out at Farm Town for a bit. Gotta make some coin to buy some new seeds to plant. I am such a total cropstitute.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

WUW and I'm sooo proud (eyeroll)

So construction started today on the new house. Or should I say DEstruction. The floors where all ripped out and the carpet came up. The doors removed and everything taped up in prep for painting. I also had to buy this special enzyme stuff because when the carpet was taken up, the pet stains that had saturated through the carpet were everywhere. GAG!! The concrete under all the carpet smelled like pee. CAT PEE!!! Ugh. Nasty. Uber-nasty. EWW.

Did I mention it was gross?

When you walk in this house, you get bitch-slapped back out the door and onto your ass by the cat pee smell. It is truly gag-worthy.

More deconstruction tomorrow and painting to follow. I am there all day, every day, for the next week or two so I have no Internet connection. No TV. Just my Nintendo DS and my MP3 player. Ahh...good times. Not really.

So the reason for the proud eyeroll in the title? We were getting packed up to come home and I gave Punk a little snack pack of cookies. I opened them for her and she dropped them, spilling them all over the floor of my car.

What came out of her mouth next was priceless. I elaborate a little first by letting you know that we have been working on her pronouncing her 'F' sounds lately. She is getting pretty good at it, I'd say.

The cookies drop...the Punk says, "Gods Phhhucking!"

I am overwhelmed with sheer pride. Really. I couldn't have said it better myself.

So how was your Wednesday?