Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Because tonight? Gonna party like I'm still breathing!

Because last year this time? Was on the bathroom floor, passed out near death, from pneumonia and heart failure. Feisty and my older sister had to come rescue me and haul my sorry ass to the ER.

And then there was that whole "code blue" nonsense which lead to people in my family freaking out and shit.

So this year, since I am still upright and breathing, and actually feeling half human today, I am going out with my Moose. We are going to a little hole in the wall place where hopefully we will have a good time. And if we don't? Then we will go down the street to another, bigger, hole in the wall and pay another 10 bucks to have a good time there. She plans on drinking. I plan on sobering. That's just how I roll.

Happy New Year, folks!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Because I'm all about the bargain!

Happy Holidays to everybody!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Merry F*ing Holiday, here's your shredded heart in a box with a bow.

Because? I was having a great fucking day up until I got this email from Bacardi. Regulars will remember him. Friends will groan at his mention. Me? Melting into a puddle of sadness, heartbreak, frustration and sheer-all-out-unadulterated-rip-his-balls-off-pissed.

Hey I'm sorry for treating you the way I have in the past. I've done a lot of soul searching and found that I'm not such a good person after all... I'm sorry if i ever hurt you. You were so good to me for so long taking someone for granted is a sin after all. I hope you have a great Christmas... thank you for all that you have done for me in the past...

Merry Christsmas

It didn't have a "Dear" and he didn't sign it.

Back in July I was going over to his house and we were getting reacquainted. We have been friends for so long and have had that on again-off again relationship. He was conflicted over wanting to leave his girlfriend of 2 years because she had cancer and he didn't want to look like a schmuck about not wanting to be with her anymore. Then one day she up and packed and hired the movers and got out. He was elated. Even I will admit I was happy.

Then I got the whole story.

In parts.

Or should I say "minute instances of sobriety".

She wanted kids, he didn't. She wanted marriage. He didn't. She put up with his alcoholism. He put up with her grass habit. He assured me it was over and there was no more to the relationship. She wasn't coming back. Ever.

Fast forward to the end of July. I was helping out my best friend by participating in the Pride festivities and the parade float that she was supposed to ride on along with other employees of the gay bar she worked at. She was the only lesbian that showed that day. I hopped on the float with her along with a straight Waffle House waitress. Ah...good times.

On the way to the parade I passed Bacardi's house. I saw the "supposed ex-girlfriend's" car parked outside his house. That coupled with the wacky dodging emails I had been getting from him in the days preceding the parade and everything became crystal clear. The fucktard took her back. Too spineless to sever the relationship and move on, he had welcomed her back.

My reaction? I screamed insanely loud and obnoxious obscenities at her AND him through the neighborhood for a good 10 minutes. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I was venting.

She was on his front porch sparking up a doobie. He was passed out drunk out 3 in the afternoon in the bedroom. She heard every word. She knew I was yelling at her because of the repeated use of her name along with a plethora of derogatory female curse words I was hurling. She got mad. Woke him up. Told him some woman was screaming and saying all kinds of thing.

One word. BUSTED!

It seems he had not told her that he had any female friends or had tried to "move on" after the "breakup". I guess she must have just thought MOVING OUT COMPLETELY AND REFUSING ANY CONTACT WITH HIM FOR OVER 6 WEEKS meant they were just taking a "break".

The ensuing email I got from him was umm...entertaining to say the least.

what in the hell are u doing coming by my house and yelling at the woman that loves me... i'm sorry she doesn't live with another man, she doesn't have a girl friend on the side she loves me don't be fucking with the people that love me i care about you leigh but don't fuck with the ones that give me there all I was alseep when all this happened and it fricking pisses me off that you respect me that little.... i never knew you respected me that little . To me your nothing but WHITE TRASH---SO DO NOT CALL ME ANYMORE AND DO NOT LOOK FOR ME ANYMORE.--IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS REGARDING HOW I FELL YOU ARE MORE THANWELCOME TO CA;LL THE WOMAN THAT I LOVE HER CELL NUMBER IS ***-****.

*Let's not even get started on how much he respected me by telling me he was getting back together with her and he wanted me to go away quietly and discreetly. * (watch that puddle of dripping sarcasm now. We don't want you to slip and fall...)

So I didn't call him anymore. In fact I deleted all his numbers from all my phones. I blocked his emails. I put him on my blocked IMs list. I didn't answer that email. I just let it go. I figured, the pieces of my heart could be swept up and eventually glued back together. I would get over it. In time. I would survive, because that is just what I do.

Eventually as the days went on and other things filled my time and thoughts, my heart was mending itself. I wasn't pining away for him and even though he still invaded my dreams occasionally, I was getting over it all.

To be honest I hadn't even thought of Bacardi in over a month. I was sitting here at home today, working away at getting my gifts made for my relatives, and then BOOM!!

That stupid email shows up. I knew it was him from the email address it came from. He doesn't get creative when it comes to picking email addresses.

And now?

At a loss as to what to do. So for I have two votes for ignore it, delete it, and block that new email address.

One vote for email the fucking bastard back and wish him the unmerriest holiday of his life, and the hope a rabid family of porcupines crawls up his ass as camps out for the winter.

One vote for forgiveness in the spirit of the season, and just a simple "Merry Christmas and please honor your promise not to contact me."

(I should also note at this point that I occasionally experience a duality of personality and I will give you one guess as to who those last two votes came from.)

So I need some advice my bloggy friends. I would like to get some feedback as to what to do, before I act all impetuously and do something I might regret. You can either leave a comment or email me. My address is on my profile. Thanks for the help.

Oh and glad tidings and joyous holiday wishes to you and yours!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

God wears boxers, Santa does briefs

Just thought I would clear that up for you. I was informed of these facts as I was helping my sister and her girls sort through laundry tonight. Turns out my favorite and only 9 year old niece has the direct line on this sort of info. Plus the entire evening was just an ongoing discussion of anything and everything as long as the word "butt" was inserted at random followed by uncontrollable fits of the giggles. What is it about the word "butt" that is so funny to a kid?

So that's my post, and I'm sorry it isn't long, but with the holidays and the baking and the ornament making and the helping with the sister and the taking of my computer by the FCB so he could clean my hard drive and then screw something up so he had to wipe out my whole computer and start all over and not allowing me to get access to his computer and basically severing my umbilical to my online life has all kept me a little busy. Rest assured I am writing things down to post when I get more time and my laptop back. I am just bubbling up to the brim with snark at this point and I have to be able to get it all somehow.

So to recap: God - Boxers, Santa - Briefs, Persnickety - busy but still ticking, Nieces (including new baby) - Doing great and keeping me supplied in blog fodder, Punk - Also doing well and thrilled at being able to spend time with cousins, FCB - Lucky I don't own a baseball bat to go all batting practice all over his shiny, bald head.

Hope everyone is have a chillaxing holiday season so far!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

"Hey Mommy, I'm hungry."

"No problem Punk. What would you like for dinner? Would you like some macaroni and cheese?"

"Umm, no."

"Would you like a peanut butter and jelly snammich?" (What she calls a sandwich.)

"Umm, no."

"Do you want another noga (granola) bar?"

"Umm, no."

"Well, what do you think you want? Hey, how about pizza?"

"Oooh, yeah! And Mommy? Can we get that with brownies on top this time? I'll go get the phone for you...."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Pee First. Don't eat or drink during. Enjoy.

I aspire to be this funny in my next life. Cuz this dude wipes the floor with me in this life.

As the title states...go pee. Clear your computer area of any liquids you may be tempted to drink. Prepare to cease breathing from laughing too hard. Make sure your portable difbulator is charged.

(Oh, and if you are offended by anything he says, take it up with him, not me. Thanks.)