This was an actual Facebook conversation on Friday night. It should be noted that most of the conversations between me and this friend are just as wonky. Read this first, and then we can delve into the rest of my so called fabulous life. The comments in bold parentheses are my added charm and wit after the fact. I thought this conversation needed commentary here and there. My snarky sarcastic present to all of you. Happy fuckin holidays.
8:47 LeighBoo
8:47pm Lazy Mutha Farkleahhhhhhhhh
aint skeerd
8:47pm LeighLOL
8:47pm Lazy Mutha Farklewha cha doin
8:47pm LeighUm...talking to you....
Kinda thought that was obvious.
8:48pm Lazy Mutha Farklethats me...capitan obvious
(I guess that makes me Sargent Sarcasm)8:48pm LeighNow with new and improved BLUE LIPS!
I thought your profile pic was oh so Tim Burton of you.
Creepy, yet cool.
8:49pm Lazy Mutha Farkleheh heh yeah... i like it too. took it after watching the movie daybreakers last night
8:50pm LeighYou went to the movies or rented? What was that one about?
8:52pm Lazy Mutha Farklevampires... went to the imax with j.
his bday last night
8:52pm LeighAh. OK
8:52pm Lazy Mutha Farklealso had dinner at an ethiopian restaurant
it was an interesting night
8:56pm Lazy Mutha Farklehows the punk and you doing?
(Massive interuption by the Punk because she thought the floor needed a fresh coating of chocolate milk. I think she just tests me occasionally to keep me young and on my toes.)9:31pm LeighShe is tired so there is a lot of whine to be had at casa Persnickety tonight
playing video games all day mostly tho
9:31pm Lazy Mutha Farkleahhhh. poor punk.
9:31pm LeighFCB and I went to the gastric bypass seminar last night
Sorry about that delay. Spilt milk
9:32pm Lazy Mutha Farkleahhh howd that go?
the seminar
(I had to giggle at the fact that she felt she needed to clarify that the comment was about the seminar and not the milk. Stay with me, folks, it picks up from here.)9:33pm LeighHe is so sick he could barely stay awake
medicated and losing his voice
I am not a candidate. Even for the band.
He is tho He has an appt next week
9:34pm Lazy Mutha Farkleugh.. whatever yous guys got passing around there... keep it there. i cant afford to catch it
why cant you have the band?
9:36pm LeighPunk and I are fine
HE is the one that is sick. I am holing up in my room like he has the plague
Cardiac wise, this practice won't touch me
9:37pm Lazy Mutha Farklelol... but i know you hadnt been feeling well and the kid is on antibiotics...so im just saying...
ahhhh...you and that ticker
9:37pm LeighActually, I feel better than I have for weeks.
9:37pm Lazy Mutha Farklegood. hope it stays that way
9:38pm LeighShe is on the antibiotics because we are hedging our bets against bedbugs.
That is the only reason she is on them
(Long story short, hotel from hell that I stayed at near Disney in between the holidays was possibly infested with bedbugs. Punk was bitten over 100 times. She is completely better now. Stay away from the Buena Vista Suites. Moving on.)9:39pm LeighHe wanted to make sure the hives weren't because of a bacterial thing, but I have never heard of bacteria giving you hives. She only had them on Tues and hasn't had anything wonky since.
9:39pm Lazy Mutha Farkleok.... like i said... just saying... i dont need no crudilicious junk in my immunity system
9:39pm LeighI know.
Just letting you know what is going on. Easier to type here than it is on the itty bitty phone
9:40pm Lazy Mutha Farklelol yeah
thats why ive been on here all day... ive have been one lazy mutha farkle all day. havent moved from the couch other than to warm up some beans for dinner
9:42pm LeighLazy Mutha Farkle is hereby and henceforth now your Official Other Nickname. LMFAO!!
9:42pm Lazy Mutha FarkleLOL thought youd get a kick outta that
9:43pm LeighOh, so you are lazy but providing your own ozone for personal global warming...good thinking!
9:43pm Lazy Mutha Farklegotta do something...expecting snow flurries in the morning
9:45pm Leighwe are too
(Yeah, right. Getting snow here where I live in FL is like saying Hell is a great ski resort.)9:46pm Lazy Mutha Farklei knoe i know!!!!
9:50pm Leighexcited much?
9:50pm Lazy Mutha Farklenaw
lol
not me
9:52pm LeighYou would think you had never seen snow before in your life...
9:52pm Lazy Mutha Farklelol...only a couple times
9:53pm LeighHey, what program can you use to turn a negative image into a positive one?
9:54pm Lazy Mutha Farklephotobucket.com
9:55pm Leigheh. I was thinking something already loaded on the computer like paint or something
9:55pm Lazy Mutha Farklepaint sucks...
9:57pm LeighHe got a new machine that turns slides and negatives into digital images
9:58pm Lazy Mutha Farklethats cool... has he played with it yet?
(Captain Obvious must have just taken a mental coffee break there.)9:59pm LeighHe is playing with it right now. I keep hearing LEIGH and MOMMY from the other room
Always need something.
I don't remember anyone catering to me when I was sick. And I can't tell you the last time anyone got up to get me a drink of water....
10:00pm Lazy Mutha Farkleput a sign on your door saying leigh is unavailable at this time, please leave your message after the beep....
10:01pm LeighHEHEHEHe
Wom
argh fat fingers
won't work
they know I am in here and will bust down the door.
10:02pm Lazy Mutha Farkleif you lock the door and climb out the window they will really be shocked
10:02pm Leighor pee on the door to get me to come out...either one
10:02pm Lazy Mutha Farkleew
10:03pm LeighI should get a reward. OR a trophy. Or a hot little pool boy named Agador or something. I am an underappreciated mommy.
10:04pm Lazy Mutha Farklelol... id just sneek out and go to the bar and not tell them
10:07pm LeighMeh. I would have to brush my hair and put on a bra to go to a bar. Too much effort involved in that.
I'll just make up a sign that says Door is electric, piss at your own risk...
10:08pm Lazy Mutha Farklebwahahaha
10:09 LeighYou do realize this is so going to be a blog post, right?
10:10 Lazy Mutha FarkleYup. Figured as much.
10:14pm LeighNames will be changed to protect the flatulant.
10:14pm Lazy Mutha Farklebwahahaha thank you
So that was it. Thrilling Friday night, no? Saturday wasn't much more entertaining. Went shopping today and the store was out of almost everything I normally buy. It was like the end of the world was here and everyone cleared out only the shit I wanted. Made for a grumbly Persnickety. What was neat about the trip was Punk wore a princess costume to do the shopping in. I figured, she's young and can get away with it. Unlike the folks over at PeopleofWalmart.com. (Warning if you do go to that site and have never been...pee first. Don't attempt to eat or drink while viewing. If you must throw up after seeing some images, don't say I didn't warn ya.) We had a couple of little girls who thought Punk looked fabulous and asked their mom if they could get dressed in costumes the next time they went shopping. (trying to start a trend here) There was also a crosseyed old man that was following us up and down the aisles. I turned on him and asked him what his problem was. He claimed he had granddaughters and Punk reminded him of them. I was all like, yeah. That's nice. Get in the cart Punk. She did after rearranging some groceries.
I am all for everyone having the personal right to be creepy and all, but when you start ogling my daughter...Get the fuck back, Jack!
Moral of the story? Out of everything in stock but creepy old dude grocery store not going to be the one I shop at anytime soon. I will drive 5 miles down the road to the other store.
And that is the tale of the most fabulous and entertaining weeking in my life since last weekend. Promised to be more bloggy. Didn't promise my life would get more blogworthy. Hope everyone had a great weekend and no one got yelled at by their homeowners association for still having their Christmas lights up! (Raising guilty hand and waving the biggest bird around to the stodgy old fucks in the association.)
Oh and by the way, if anyone who still reads this and isn't already my Facebooky neighbor and wants to keep up with my daily mental flatulance, I am AbsoluteLeigh on Facebook. And Twitter. But I barely tweet. I'm just twitless that way.