Sunday, January 10, 2010

My Fabulous Friday Night

This was an actual Facebook conversation on Friday night. It should be noted that most of the conversations between me and this friend are just as wonky. Read this first, and then we can delve into the rest of my so called fabulous life. The comments in bold parentheses are my added charm and wit after the fact. I thought this conversation needed commentary here and there. My snarky sarcastic present to all of you. Happy fuckin holidays.

8:47 Leigh

8:47pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
aint skeerd

8:47pm Leigh

8:47pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
wha cha doin

8:47pm Leigh
Um...talking to you....
Kinda thought that was obvious.

8:48pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
thats me...capitan obvious

(I guess that makes me Sargent Sarcasm)

8:48pm Leigh
Now with new and improved BLUE LIPS!
I thought your profile pic was oh so Tim Burton of you.
Creepy, yet cool.

8:49pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
heh heh yeah... i like it too. took it after watching the movie daybreakers last night

8:50pm Leigh
You went to the movies or rented? What was that one about?

8:52pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
vampires... went to the imax with j.
his bday last night

8:52pm Leigh
Ah. OK

8:52pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
also had dinner at an ethiopian restaurant
it was an interesting night

8:56pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
hows the punk and you doing?

(Massive interuption by the Punk because she thought the floor needed a fresh coating of chocolate milk. I think she just tests me occasionally to keep me young and on my toes.)

9:31pm Leigh
She is tired so there is a lot of whine to be had at casa Persnickety tonight
playing video games all day mostly tho

9:31pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ahhhh. poor punk.

9:31pm Leigh
FCB and I went to the gastric bypass seminar last night
Sorry about that delay. Spilt milk

9:32pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ahhh howd that go?
the seminar

(I had to giggle at the fact that she felt she needed to clarify that the comment was about the seminar and not the milk. Stay with me, folks, it picks up from here.)

9:33pm Leigh
He is so sick he could barely stay awake
medicated and losing his voice
I am not a candidate. Even for the band.
He is tho He has an appt next week

9:34pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ugh.. whatever yous guys got passing around there... keep it there. i cant afford to catch it
why cant you have the band?

9:36pm Leigh
Punk and I are fine
HE is the one that is sick. I am holing up in my room like he has the plague
Cardiac wise, this practice won't touch me

9:37pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
lol... but i know you hadnt been feeling well and the kid is on im just saying... and that ticker

9:37pm Leigh
Actually, I feel better than I have for weeks.

9:37pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
good. hope it stays that way

9:38pm Leigh
She is on the antibiotics because we are hedging our bets against bedbugs.
That is the only reason she is on them

(Long story short, hotel from hell that I stayed at near Disney in between the holidays was possibly infested with bedbugs. Punk was bitten over 100 times. She is completely better now. Stay away from the Buena Vista Suites. Moving on.)

9:39pm Leigh
He wanted to make sure the hives weren't because of a bacterial thing, but I have never heard of bacteria giving you hives. She only had them on Tues and hasn't had anything wonky since.

9:39pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
ok.... like i said... just saying... i dont need no crudilicious junk in my immunity system

9:39pm Leigh
I know.
Just letting you know what is going on. Easier to type here than it is on the itty bitty phone

9:40pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
lol yeah
thats why ive been on here all day... ive have been one lazy mutha farkle all day. havent moved from the couch other than to warm up some beans for dinner

9:42pm Leigh
Lazy Mutha Farkle is hereby and henceforth now your Official Other Nickname. LMFAO!!

9:42pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
LOL thought youd get a kick outta that

9:43pm Leigh
Oh, so you are lazy but providing your own ozone for personal global warming...good thinking!

9:43pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
gotta do something...expecting snow flurries in the morning

9:45pm Leigh
we are too

(Yeah, right. Getting snow here where I live in FL is like saying Hell is a great ski resort.)

9:46pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
i knoe i know!!!!

9:50pm Leigh
excited much?

9:50pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
not me

9:52pm Leigh
You would think you had never seen snow before in your life...

9:52pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
lol...only a couple times

9:53pm Leigh
Hey, what program can you use to turn a negative image into a positive one?

9:54pm Lazy Mutha Farkle

9:55pm Leigh
eh. I was thinking something already loaded on the computer like paint or something

9:55pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
paint sucks...

9:57pm Leigh
He got a new machine that turns slides and negatives into digital images

9:58pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
thats cool... has he played with it yet?

(Captain Obvious must have just taken a mental coffee break there.)

9:59pm Leigh
He is playing with it right now. I keep hearing LEIGH and MOMMY from the other room
Always need something.
I don't remember anyone catering to me when I was sick. And I can't tell you the last time anyone got up to get me a drink of water....

10:00pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
put a sign on your door saying leigh is unavailable at this time, please leave your message after the beep....

10:01pm Leigh
argh fat fingers
won't work
they know I am in here and will bust down the door.

10:02pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
if you lock the door and climb out the window they will really be shocked

10:02pm Leigh
or pee on the door to get me to come out...either one

10:02pm Lazy Mutha Farkle

10:03pm Leigh
I should get a reward. OR a trophy. Or a hot little pool boy named Agador or something. I am an underappreciated mommy.

10:04pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
lol... id just sneek out and go to the bar and not tell them

10:07pm Leigh
Meh. I would have to brush my hair and put on a bra to go to a bar. Too much effort involved in that.
I'll just make up a sign that says Door is electric, piss at your own risk...

10:08pm Lazy Mutha Farkle

10:09 Leigh

You do realize this is so going to be a blog post, right?

10:10 Lazy Mutha Farkle

Yup. Figured as much.

10:14pm Leigh
Names will be changed to protect the flatulant.

10:14pm Lazy Mutha Farkle
bwahahaha thank you

So that was it. Thrilling Friday night, no? Saturday wasn't much more entertaining. Went shopping today and the store was out of almost everything I normally buy. It was like the end of the world was here and everyone cleared out only the shit I wanted. Made for a grumbly Persnickety. What was neat about the trip was Punk wore a princess costume to do the shopping in. I figured, she's young and can get away with it. Unlike the folks over at (Warning if you do go to that site and have never been...pee first. Don't attempt to eat or drink while viewing. If you must throw up after seeing some images, don't say I didn't warn ya.) We had a couple of little girls who thought Punk looked fabulous and asked their mom if they could get dressed in costumes the next time they went shopping. (trying to start a trend here) There was also a crosseyed old man that was following us up and down the aisles. I turned on him and asked him what his problem was. He claimed he had granddaughters and Punk reminded him of them. I was all like, yeah. That's nice. Get in the cart Punk. She did after rearranging some groceries.

I am all for everyone having the personal right to be creepy and all, but when you start ogling my daughter...Get the fuck back, Jack!

Moral of the story? Out of everything in stock but creepy old dude grocery store not going to be the one I shop at anytime soon. I will drive 5 miles down the road to the other store.

And that is the tale of the most fabulous and entertaining weeking in my life since last weekend. Promised to be more bloggy. Didn't promise my life would get more blogworthy. Hope everyone had a great weekend and no one got yelled at by their homeowners association for still having their Christmas lights up! (Raising guilty hand and waving the biggest bird around to the stodgy old fucks in the association.)

Oh and by the way, if anyone who still reads this and isn't already my Facebooky neighbor and wants to keep up with my daily mental flatulance, I am AbsoluteLeigh on Facebook. And Twitter. But I barely tweet. I'm just twitless that way.