Saturday, January 30, 2010

I thought about posting yesterday...

But I got over it. I was tired and had a long day of embarrassment and eye strain along with one too many cocktails at lunch. So here ya get me well rested and sober! Don't blame me if I'm not as funny.

So...lots of ground to cover and going to try to do it all while the FCB is out of the house and the Punk is asleep to avoid any unnecessary interruption. Recap of the last week: Monday I overslept from the afternoon nap and was late picking up the Punk from school. I mean I was THE LAST parent in the line for parent pick up. I was admonished by a stepford wife that I was doing psycho-social damage to my child for life for being the last parent and embarrassing my child in front of her peers. Yeah, right. Like a kid who will start spontaneously breaking out into a Disney medley in crowded public places has soooo many issues with being easily embarrassed. Moving on.

Tuesday we had an appointment with the opthomologist for the Punk. Exactly one week earlier I was volunteering for the school vision and hearing screening when some stepford that they handed a machine to and told her to aim it at the eyes of a child and the fact that she didn't drop it right off the bat was her only qualification at using the fucking thing, told me that my child failed the vision screening so badly that it was a wonder she could even see to walk. WTF?! You don't tell any mom that kind of thing! Especially one that is taking the time out her day to help you with your clusterfuck of an attempt at vision screenings for small children! After she told me this and 2 other moms had ducked out because they had to get to work or some such, I suddenly came down with a bad case of IDON'TGIVEAFLYINGFUCK and told her I had a thing and needed to jet. So I left. Left her to finish her screenings on 300 more kids with just her and another stepford that had taken way to much of her child's Ritalin. They could manage. So back to this past week and we are in the waiting room for the doctor to see her and this is after they dilate Punk's eyes and who should appear but a man dressed in a Ronald McDonald outfit, makeup and all, to come say hi to all the kiddies in the hospital. My daughter almost wet herself upon seeing him. I carry a camera everywhere, so I got a picture. It's adorable!

She walks up to him and tells him, "You made me pancakes this morning! Thanks!"

I asked him how often he heard that phrase in the morning. (He was cute all up under there!)

After the appointment and the doctor telling me that my daughter is as blind as a bat we returned home to search out places to go to get some "pink and sparkly glasses" so "I'm gonna wear glasses like Mommy" and I am glad she is so excited about it because at her age I didn't want anything to do with glasses even though I needed them badly. She ended up with a pair of blue glasses ("Like Cinderella!" Even though Cinderella doesn't wear glasses and I think she is referring to the color of Cindy's dress there.) and a pair of pink (non-sparkly) ones for her backup pair. This should be an adventure when they come back from being made in 7-10 days.

So I think I slept through Wednesday since I don't remember it and I am just that damn tired.

Thursday we ended up at the doctors office for the Punk because she has a UTI. She is being a trooper about it and even taking her medicine. (A monumental achievement for her!)

Friday dawns with me having an eye exam at the same place we went to get the Punk's glasses. I invited Moose (best friend for any new readers, FCB stands for the Fat Cranky Bastard I live with and Punk is my daughter. All clear? Carrying on...) along to the appointment for an opinion on frame selections. Since the last time I went to get glasses the lady told me I looked like I wasn't a day over 45 with the frames I selected and I was actually 32 at the time, I needed to get the input of someone who loved me that I trusted. Even after asking about 10 strangers and everyone in the store that worked there, I still needed another opinion. So I dragged Moose out of bed to meet me at the glasses place to endure this all with me cuz that is just how I show my love. I had an appointment at 11 and didn't get seen until noon. Why? Because the doc was a talker. Chatty even. Before he even looked at my eyes he was telling me the names of his kids and all kinds of other information that I really didn't need to know. But let me back this story up a minute to share with you, my dear readers, about a nifty new machine that they have that can take a picture of your retina. The lady assisting me tells me that they have this new machine that for only $10 can save me from them having to put those awful drops in my eyes to dilate them. Unfortunately it isn't covered by insurance. WOW! Only $10? I would give my left tit not to have those damn drops in my eyes! Ten bucks and you are SOLD! Best $10 I have ever spent! (And I mean no disrespect for any hard working crack ho's out there.)

So the doc starts the eye exam and put this machine in front of my face. He couldn't get it all the way to my forehead because my boobs were in the way. He then went on to chat about how some woman eye doc had invented a machine to accommodate women and their tatas. I was all like, "And why don't you have one?"

Then the conversation went to golf being harder to play for women than men because of the boob issue. I asked him if he had ever seen a woman with larger boobs play golf and for some unknown reason proceeded to demonstrate. Moose then chimes in that I don't play golf. I told her that I used to all the time and then the doc said he didn't play often and didn't see the appeal.

Then, in the most excellent feat of shoving my foot in my mouth, I proclaimed that it was fun to chase around after little balls to whack them with a stick. Moose and the doc lost it. It was like Gigglefest '10 in there.

We finished up the exam and he said I should see better than ever now that he corrected the screw ups that the last place told me I just had to live with. I thanked him and told him that I liked that he took the extra time and it was like other places where they just had you in and out, in and out. At that point the new round of giggles started and the doc said IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE STORE...We started it off talking about chasing balls and ended with in and out, in and out.

Talk about one purple colored Persnickety. Embarrassed wouldn't have even begun to describe what I felt at that moment.

Off to Chili's with Moose for lunch and some much needed pina coladas where we found the menu to be changed yet again (they do that about every 6 months) and almost every dish has cilantro added to it. I can't have cilantro. Call it an allergy or whatever, but when I smell or taste cilantro, it's like I am chewing on some homeless man's dirty socks. just a nasty, foul, almost metallic smell and taste. It's gross. I told the waiter that someone went a little overboard on the cilantro and for as much as it was listed in the menu they should just change the name of the place to Cilantro's. I had a steak sandwich. And I think I will wait another 6 months to go back until they change their menu again.

So that was my week! Thrilling, no? Next week should be more interesting as I am going to go "Drink around the world" at Epcot for my birthday celebration, "Leigh's older than Jesus!" Hopefully a great time will be had by all. I got a room on property, so the Mouse will be the designated driver for the evening.

Hope everyone has a great week!


Feisty Irish Wench said...

good on you for bailing on the stepford
yay for punk cooperating and then being Miss Good Manners to Ron the clown.
I'm a horrid mom for being late getting Clone from school too.
And I miss meals with friends that are still warm when I eat the food.

Theresa said...

I just found you through feistyirishwench (I thought I was clicking on one of her posts) and man, I'm glad I did. As soon as I go change my wet pants (too much laughing can be hazardous to your health) I'll be back to read some more.

Meuse said...

im just glad we finally got you past the harry potter frames'll look mah-vell-ous!

Persnickety Ticker said...

Harry Potter ripped off me ripping off John Lennon. I was cool like that long before wizard boy.

The Girl Next Door said...

Your eye examing has me rolling on the floor - you get into the craziest situations!