Saturday, January 31, 2009

A little visual to help me feel better and for you to mock.

Me and the BFF at the happiest place on Earth. She was cold. And still a little woogie from the teacups. I was trying my best to imitate Buddha. Or Tweedle Dum. Or Tweedle Dee. Or Baloo the Bear. Or Dumbo's Mommy. Or just insert any large Disney character ____ here.

Cause don't I just look ANIMATED?

We look like we are about to get mugged or hugged or whatever by the rodent shaped shrubbery.

Cause we just rock out loud like that.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Oy! What a day!!

It has turned out to be a gut wrenching, heart wrenching, and mind wrenching day. To start off the day on a positive note, Punk had a dry diaper when she got up this morning. The bad part is, we woke up late and had only eight minutes to get ready before the bus showed up. Then off to school she went. I was planning on going back to sleep since I have not stopped running around like a headless chicken since Monday. No such luck. I got a phone call from a friend that wanted to chitchat since they hadn't talked to me a little while. We talked for over an hour before said friend dropped a little tidbit of earth shattering news. Friend's explanation for holding back on the "big news" was because they were waiting for me to get fully awake and for my coffee to kick in. Well I was REALLY awake at that point.

I decided not to let the day go to waste by getting a jump start on next week's birthday cake. I set about the task of making a marshmallow fondant for the first time ever. What an experience that was! Hopefully it will turn out OK. In any case, I tasted the stuff and it tastes way less like ass-glue than the other stuff sold by the "official cake making product supplying company". I have an idea to copy a Mickey Mouse cake I saw when I Googled Mickey Mouse Cake. I am just going to make it a little different so that I can post pictures of it and not get sued by some random person somewhere.

While I am up to my elbows in marshmallow and Crisco my daughter's teacher called. She said that Punk's belly was really distended and that she had not peed all day. She was calling for advice as well as to tell me that my daughter is now a "toucher" in the sense that she has discovered her nether regions and thinks it is the coolest new toy! I told the teacher to relay the message to the Punk to stop touching and told her to slap a diaper on the Punk and that should make her pee in a heartbeat. They sent my child home with a diaper on and panties over top of them. Dry. She was running a fever and was very potbellied when she got home. FCB took her for a little bike ride to the mailbox down the street to see if that would get her bladder working while I called the pediatrician. The ped. said bring her in right away. I got ready to go and when Punk walked in the door, she had peed the diaper. I took it off and within minutes she had started peeing her pants but managed to get her pants off and get about half of it in the potty. Yay!

Off to the doctor we went. By this time, my lack of sleep/heart condition was catching up to me and I was trying really hard to get a migraine to go along nicely with my anxiety/heart attack. We got to see the same doc that saw my sister's newest baby and discovered the heart problem. He is a rock star in my family's opinion right now. He is concerned. So what does any concerned doctor do? Order a gazillionumpteen tests PLUS a sonogram and put her on a laxative while referring us to a bankbreaking amount of specialists. Woo. Oh yeah...and hoo. Potty training on a laxative. This ought to be a buttpuckering ball of giggles.

He perused her chart and asked me when I started potty training her. FCB says "last week" at the same time I blurt out "three years ago" and the doc gives us the most confuzzled of looks. He said according to her chart we had been at it for years. I agreed. He said at this point not only is it a behavioral issue, it might just be a medical one at that.

Stoooopid me for breathing a slight sigh of hopefulness that our life of medical misery might just be behind us. *facedesk*

Because of all the "potty drama" I missed my appointment to go sign my will. As if my life weren't so slightly complicated enough. So that's my day. I've already started drinking. If I already feel like I have the worst hangover in my life I might as well start trying to earn it in reverse.

Imma go cry now.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

We have a threePEEter!!

The amazing Punkadoodle and her bladder of steel has managed to go pee on the potty 3 times! While this not may be earth shattering news, she is staying dry all day at school. Not going on the potty there, but holding it ALL DAY until she gets home and just makes a mad dash to the potty and just Hoover Dams it all everywhere. Then she get soooo excited because she just went and she is such a big girl and then starts the whole "Superbowl of pee" party all over again. She is starting to get a little impatient that I haven't whisked her away to Disney World. I keep telling her the countdown is ongoing and a week will be over before she knows it...meanwhile...a week will be over before I know it and I have sooooo much to do before I go play in Disney for my birthday.

Just thought I would pop in an update of what was going on. I realize the majority of you are probably tired of bodily function updates, and for that I sincerely apologize. But other than a harrowing adventure over to the westside of the town I live in to return a gift to my sister, where I encountered an unending plethora of mindless zombies that have been taking driving lessons from my wombatshit crazy mother all the while having to listen to the local radio station replay the Beyonce "Single Ladies" song over and over again at what seemed to be 10 minute intervals (that bitch rubs me wrong like a sandpaper thong) of which all I survived mostly unscathed, all is quiet here on the Persnickety front.

I am baking a cake for my sister's birthday and going to experiment with marshmallow fondant. This should be interesting. Sticky but interesting. I promise to take pictures when I am done. Still waiting to give Feisty the honors of posting about her birthday first before I spill my rendition of what happened here. So go bug her. I got a bunch of funny shit just swimming around in my head looking for a way to get out.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

We have SUCCESS!!!

FINALLY!!! After months of sporadic and varying success, we have had a successful weekend of #2 and at long last she PEEEEEEEED!!! ON THE POTTY!!! We are celebrating like we just won the Superbowl. She keeps running around the house half naked screaming WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!! Yep...just like winning the Superbowl. Cause in my dreams? Those football guys aren't wearing much...

It only took me 3 years longer than most people. Boy are they going to be hating life when she shows up at school tomorrow and they actually have to do bathroom duty with her. Hehehehe. Oh to be a fly on that wall. Most long time readers and friends will know already that the one major hurdle I have had is school and their refusal to help me in potty training her. One teacher even insisting that I quit sending her in pull-ups and start putting her back in diapers. Lately she has been coming home from school in the same pull-up I sent her to school in. Soaking wet. I know because I mark the darn things. In a weird way, I hope she pees all over everything....hehehehe. And just to put a kink in their day? Gonna show up for a spot check. At least once. Maybe twice. The time has come for me to stop spending a fortune on disposables. For my kid to grow up a little. For the school system that has so far failed miserably to be held accountable. OUR success had empowered me. It's time to bring it on!

Oh...and YAY PUNK!!!!!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

BWAHAHA! Even the Prez has a kinky side!

I highly doubt this woman even does anything with the lights on based on how she just let this fall out of her mouth. She has no clue. Even the other woman off camera gave a nervous giggle. Kinda makes you wonder what is going on there in that news room!

I saw this on another blog and when I got to YouTube it was all over the place. It was good for an afternoon WTF chuckle.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Please excuse Persnickety from being absent from blogging...

Cuz I am so writing that bitch a note!

No seriously. The reports of my death have been greatly....blah blah blah. Germs from preschoolers? THE MOST EVIL FORCE ON EARTH! (just warning ya...that's all I'm sayin.)

Punk came home from school last Monday with the "sickies". I got a call from the teacher about an hour after she went off to school and I was all like "Oh no, what now?" Teacher informs me that a 3 year old the size of a muppet tackled her and bit her. Oh yeah? What happened to my kid being the class bully that is smackin' around toddlers right and left? Huh? HUH?? I think someone is seriously misjudging the all-out ballsy-ness of my kiddo. When faced with adversity she just crumples into a pile of blubbering snot. I know. I LIVE it almost everyday. (She is so spoiled it's stupid.)

So I inform the teacher that if Punk is not bleeding or blubbering, she is fine and can stay at school. We agreed that was the best course. Phone call ends. I snuggled back down in bed for my usual Monday-peace-and-quiet-no-kid-in-sight-nap. Fifteen minutes later I got another call. Teacher again. Punk projectile vomited technicolor all over the classroom floor. Yay. Plus? Fever of 99.9. Double yay. So off to school to go get her. And when I got there? It was still all over the floor. Covered in paper towels. And the teacher? Thought it was a good idea to show it to me. WTF?? I asked her why it hadn't been cleaned up and were they waiting on me to get to school to do it for them? She informed me that they had to call a service to come clean it up because it was biohazard. (That should have been a foreboding clue as to what was to come.) So I gathered the Punk and we went home. She was in stay-at-home-watch-cartoons-soak-up-all-the-attention-she-can-get-from-being-sent-home-with-the-"Sickies"-heaven. I was all well-fuck-it-all-there-goes-my-fucking-day-of-productiveness. (And by productiveness I meant napping.)

The rest of the week went quietly because she slept alot (when she wasn't whining) and by Friday I was all ready to send her back to school. She was spared by me being just too tired to fight with her to get her up and off to school on time. So another non-productive day and then...

Then came the evil.

Friday was going all fine and stuff. I actually hadn't eaten anything and FCB decided to make pancakes for dinner. Punk was all excited because PANCAKES! and WHIPCREAM! and SPRAYITINMYMOUTH! So FCB cooks them up and I got up to go eat and when I did? Woozy-dizzy-oh-for-the-love-of-where-the-fuck-is-a-bucket!!

I lost my shit. And by lost my shit I mean that a Mack truck tried to exit my fucking body sideways all the while laying on the airbrakes and the horn and with a greasy little driver singing "Convoy" all the way out of my esophagus. And then? I puked cammo. (Did she just say cammo? Oh no she di'ent!) Yep. Cammo. Green. Pea soup green. Brown (probably blood cuz I hadn't eaten anything in like 24 hours) and black (coffee grounds) and bright red (blood from the fucking Mack truck that didn't stop to ask for directions). Colors that the human body cannot produce on its own with out the digestion of a fucking gremlin or two. When I thought it was all over and I was all in the clear? Blue.

Blue? Surely Persnickety must be making that part up.

Nope, you read that right. Blue. Seems the gremlin and the trucker had been having a party in my tummy that included a cake with blue icing. Or possibly a chocolate cake with a naked drunk blue Smurf that popped out of the center. Who knew? And why wasn't I invited BEFORE things got out of hand?

This evil little party lasted for 3 days.

By the 2nd day? I was in so much pain from hurling and old accident injuries that I decided to medicate. So I went trolling through my pharmacy. (Cuz I got a doc that is all about the love and fuzzy and what do you need and he rocks my socks.) I see that I have an 800mg ibuprofen. Groovy. But lets just chase that with a narcotic so I will sleep through the next trucker-gremlin-Smurf party. Tramadol...yeah, that'll work...nice and mild. Oh and let's not forget the phenergan to make sure I am not all wookie-woozie-hurkie-hurly. Basically enough drugs to knock out a troll. Yay.

It didn't knock me out. It didn't touch me. Plus the trucker and the gremlin and the Smurf? They amped up the party and invited Oscar the grouch and all his Army buddies. Bitches.

So then I went all Google and shit and looked up the strength of the collective pharmaceutical stores that I had available. And Tramadol? Supposedly going to make me have lots of warm and fuzzies and Alice in Wonderland kinda delusions and alter my sense of reality and I was like fuck-it-all-I-don't-remember-seeing-any-damn-grinning-cats and my reality is just sucking buckets at the moment. So I decided to take it slow and start weak with Darvocet. WHOA! Weak my left nut! It knocked me flat. Yay! Sleep.

And then after I woke up and then because I was all like "no more reality...can't take reality" chanting like rainman on a bad day. I decided to take another one. And then Feisty called to check on me. seems me on Darvocet? And not sleeping? I get chatty. For over 2 hours I would not shut the fuck up. She was giggly. I was "whoa...who the hell is making all that chatty noise and when the fuck did they get invited to the naked cake cammo party?" And yet I just kept talking until I killed at least one phone battery and then Feisty was all like maybe you should go and rest and I was all yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

So I did. And I am better. And I brought a note. All is well and good in the land of Persnickety and tomorrow? Feisty and I are going to Disney for her birthday. This should be way too much more fun than adults should be allowed to have. We are bringing cameras. And lots of snark.

And leaving the fucking naked Smurf and all his friends at home, dammit.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Cuz this made me laugh till I leaked a little...

Back in November, I wrote this post. I realized about a week ago that I had it sitting out there as an unfinished post (I have lots of those) and it was mostly done, stated how I was feeling that day, and well...unpublished. So I posted it. A few people commented on it. I just got a comment today from One Reader that actually made me laugh loud enough to pull my kid out of her cartoon coma. (That's a feat in and of itself. She is home with the sickies and has actually started to fuse with the couch. I think she is starting to feel better though because she asked for pizza crust and chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.)

So anyway this comment went as such:

One Reader has left a new comment on your post "Cuz I could bottle that shit and be all rich and s...": I will totally design the bottle for this Common Sense you speak so highly of. I can only assume we need some here because the driving is sucking! Also you may want to branch off into Manners in a box or something, cause rudness is flourishing.

I have so totally busted out with a small cardboard box and have a trusty Sharpie marker in my hand to mock up that "Manners in a Box". It will now be a staple in my van to wave at people on the road as I drive. THANK YOU One Reader for the totally awesome comment and suggestion. I doubt I will actually get rich off of it, but pissing someone totally off will so be reward enough.

In case anyone hasn't noticed, Feisty and I have a new blog over here. Like we didn't have enough on our plates, us crazy bitches had to go and start something else. Wander over, leave a comment, or follow us if you wish. I promise we won't inundate you with too much disgrossting material. There can't be that many crazy shit out there in the world, can there?

*For all you wordy people that think I am the next Urban Dictionary (teehehehe) that "disgrossting" word was for y'all. What can I say, it's early (for me) and the damn coffee is just not that strong.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Is it wrong to eat cheesecake for breakfast?

Because I am all out of grits and eggs and hash, burnt out on Cheerios, and not going to make an entire batch of pancakes for only myself.

Plus, in order to bribe my 5 year old to get on the bus this morning with limited kicking and screaming, I shoved a chocolate chip cookie at her and promised I would not run away from home and be waiting on pins and needles until she got back home. We are going through a separation anxiety phase after spending two weeks of Christmas break at home 24 hours with mommy and daddy. She keeps checking on me at 3am to make sure I am still alive and breathing and screams bloody murder when she has to leave me and begs me not to run away from home (even though the thought has crossed my mind, although if I ran she would be the Louise to my Thelma). Everyday she gets home from school I get a 45 minute hug with random leg clinging sessions throughout the rest of the evening. The spontaneous kisses and proclamations of love? Bonus.

So if she can eat a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast? That should totally give me pass to scarf down half the whole damn a slice of cheesecake.

After all, I have a tedious day planned of trying to finish the mom's birthday present. (Happy Birthday Mom!)(Not that she reads this.)(I've been working on this present for months. She gave me the materials and said do something with them. The materials don't mesh well together. She wouldn't budge on me using substitutes. It goes against my basic aesthetics and I have bitched about it to her. She told me to suck up and just make it cause it's what she wants and she is the MOM and don't argue with her.) Now I know where I get it from. I should just probably start trying to curse my child with a child just like her since my mom cursed me one too many times and now I am stuck with a child that is me all over again but in excess. I figure this curse is growing exponentially. I fear for my great-grandchildren.

I am also swamped down with a massive case of multislacking. Multislacking? Yes, multislacking. I am currently NOT doing MANY productive things. Thus the multislacking. I blame the BoomShine.

And no I am not drinking before noon. Yet. Well...

Actually, I just find these fun little sucking black holes of wasted time and share because I am a giver that way. Enjoy.

Eventually, I will start doing something. Eventually. Maybe. Possibly. Just one more round of Boomshine and I will get right on that. Slack on!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Her corpse isn't even cold yet...

We all know that the holiday season can be a real bitch, but she is barely past her peak and the whole world (or at least my neck of the woods) has already started shoveling dirt on her grave. While there were only about 4 people in my whole neighborhood that bothered to put up lights and decorations, it seemed like it was only Dec. 26th before the 'hood went dark. Talk about a bunch of scrooges. Our lights are still on the house. Our tree is still up. Our fugly red tinsel ropes are still draped across the artwork in the living room (FCB's idea. Punk and I hated it. Matter of fact, she would rip the stuff off every opportunity she could. I would laugh hysterically. FCB would turn purple with rage.) Anyway, back to the lights. Wouldn't this world be a prettier (or tackier depending on the house) world if people adorned their houses with a simple light string or two all year long? They make LED lights now that barely make a blip on the electric bill. I suggested we leave the lights on the house all year long to spruce up the 'hood. We live on the corner lot and we are the first house anyone who comes in the subdivision sees. FCB said it was a bad idea and I was just being lazy about not wanting to take them down. He's partially right. While I am no fan of the holidays especially, I do appreciate how a string of lights can perk up an otherwise dreary neighborhood.

My other holiday peeve is that I can't find eggnog or my coffeecrack anywhere. Geezuspetes corporate America! Can't you folks just realize that some people need a little extra sumpin'sumpin to get through the new year? Would it kill ya to extend sales until...oh I dunno...February?

I guess what I am saying is after the media and modern society have finished cramming us up to the hilt with the nagging bitch that is the holiday season, stuffing us full of warm and fuzzy good cheer as well as making it a time of year when sugary sweets count as an honorary food group, is it really fair that it's yanked out from under us like the proverbial rug and replaced with the "Get off your fat ass and resolve to be a better person now that we have taken all caloric goodness and sparkly lighting away from you!"

I guess I am just going to have to curl up in the fetal position in the dark and wait for another 11 months to get my dosage of overdone lighting displays and holiday themed, sugar concocted cheer. But not before I dip my thumb in Peppermint Mocha Coffee-Mate to suck on and plug in a multicolored string of LEDs for a nightlight.

Happy New Year.

(Oh, and on a side note...As I was trolling blogs this morning and commenting right and left, I have come to the conclusion that the word verification department over at Blogger has been hijacked by the LOLCats. All of my word verts this morning were nurmal werds speelled a leetle rongly. Lyke sumting ude cee awn dat webbsite. NEwon elsse notuss dat watewy?)

(On another side note, my blogger spellcheck just put me in my place like a loser at a yo'mama contest. Then its head rotated 360 degrees before it puked pea soup and called me a bad name. It's going to be a great year. ::Smacks forehead::

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Who stole my tonsils?

Cuz this have this odd tingling sensation at the back of my throat where my tonsils should be. Could have been the smoke. Could have been the screaming for my favorite drag queen of all time. Could have been the random people grabbing me for a new years kiss. I hope no one was contagious. Would hate to have to hunt people down and sue them for giving me germs, because that would be all kinds of time consuming and costly. Maybe it was the drunk chic who decided that she needed to come into my stall while I was mid stream and stand there and wait to use the potty after me. She was checking herself in the mirror (no locks and handicapped stall in case anyone needed me to clear that up) and I was all like, "Excuse me, can't you see that I am a little busy here and WHAT THE FUCK, BITCH!"

She was all (slurred), "Oh take your time, honey! I can wait. How ya doing there? Having a Happy New Year and all?"

I was all zipping up and trying to get out of there as fast as humanly possible so I could go to another bathroom at the complete opposite end of the bar to wash my hands. I don't mind drunk people and all, just not all up in my stall. Especially while bidness is going on. Should have borrowed some duct tape from a queen to tape the door shut...

Anyway. We survived. A good time was had by all. Punk went with her dad to go see the fireworks downtown after she ate pizza with him. She said she had a fun time. Yay!

My new Crocs that I got from my mom for Xmas held up really well. My feet didn't hurt at all except for my pinkie toes which were rubbed the wrong way, but I bribed them and sweet talked them and now we have made nice.

And I just noticed that when I added that picture to my blog for you nice folks to check out my awesome shoes...blogger decided that my sentence structure and spacing in between sentences was not to its liking and decided to change that for me. Well call me a corn dog and bite me. That just sucked buckets and now I have to go back and change it all. BRB. OK, back.

So anyway. Just wanted to make sure everyone got off on the right note this year with a couple of references to other blogs that I think are absolutely hilarious. Laughter is the best medicine to cure all your ills, right? Let's hope the hangovers are a distant memory. We wouldn't want you laughing til you puke, now, would we?