Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Random Ponderisms...Randomisms?

* I got hit by a gazillion ton dump truck yesterday. Now I can say I feel like I've been run over by a truck convincingly. (The rest of these randomisms are collected from various sources or thought up by me in the sometime distant or near past. I'm on drugs right now for the pain. Yay drugs!)

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* Life is sexually transmitted. (technically that makes kids STDs)

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Oh wait...there is a light in my freezer.

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

* Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

* Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have the less shit you have to eat.

* I look at bush and think, boy maybe if I drank more and did more coke and slacked off for like 30 years I would get a cool oval office too.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

5 comments:

Lindsay said...

Those are too F-ing funny!

The Girl Next Door said...

FUNNY! Thank you for making me laugh! I really needed that..hope you are feeling ok.

tysgirl said...

A lot of those sound like the stuff my husband reads to me from his George Carlin books.

limpy99 said...

Yay drugs indeed. I've always thought that the people most agisnt drugs just weren't getting the good stuff.

Big Mama said...

Very good!!!