Sunday, March 29, 2009

Family Giggles

I was hanging with my Older Sister and my Adorable Nieces yesterday. It was a very nice and relaxing day. I love that my sister has enough children to keep my biological clock from going full out alarm. I get to play with little ones, and cuddle the baby, and giggle with the older kids that think I am the FUNNIEST PERSON EVAR!!! And then I get to go home once all six kids start getting cranky.

We were all sitting around in the living room yesterday, I had the 3 year old in my lap and she was telling me what sounds all the animals make. I was pointing to the animals on a puzzle and she would make the sounds. When I got to the horse, the 4 year old piped in with a full blown whinny from over to my left. She even included the prancing pawing at the ground with her "hoof". Too cute! Then the 3 year old told me that a chicken says "BOK". I pointed to the rooster and she told me that the rooster says..."BOK-A-DOO!"

I was in tears from laughing so hard.

Older Sister pulled out some photo albums and we got to looking at embarrassing 80's snapshots complete with firecracker bangs treasured family photos. I was flipping through her wedding album and waxing nostalgic about how I had such nice cleavage before it got all scarred up from the surgeries. Then I noticed IT.

IT was glaring back at me from those perfect wedding photos. Something I may not have noticed at the time, probably because it was fashionable then, but now? So going to use it against the BIL for tease factor...EVERY CHANCE I GET!


Not even kidding. He had it in a ponytail for the wedding, but BIL was sporting a full on-Achy Breaky-MULLET! I laughed til I peed a little. He is never going to live that down with me. HA!

I told her that most of those people in the pics were all on Facebook. Hell I was even friends with a few of them. She then did what any curious person would.

SHE GOT SUCKED INTO THE TIME-WASTING VORTEX THAT IS FACEBOOK and was late getting dinner for the family. I don't blame her. I blame Crackbook. That shit is just waaaaay too addictive. Evol, evol Crackbook. Oooh look! Someone else just friended me! Wait...what was I saying?

Oh yeah. So anyway. Lots of family giggles were had. It was a nice break from the depression that is happening on the other side of the family.

Quick update: FCBMom is home and was doing well for a couple of days, but slid downhill last night. Running a fever as of 2am (Thanks for the call FCBSis, it wasn't like any of us were sleeping or anything!) and the hospice people have declared she is now in kidney failure. She is getting plenty of Morphine and is home and resting as comfortably as possible for now.

I am heading out for another Disney trip tomorrow. Going to spend the whole week at Disney with just me and my Punk. Nice relaxing days doing nothing but riding Peter Pan and the Donald Duck ride. No rushing, no BIL, no schedule and no pressure to do anything but have a great time and make great memories with my daughter.

Hope everyone has a great week!!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Because my sister and I are in such desperate need of an adult conversation...

We spent hours on the phone with each other.

Talk about a chick who feeds my snark.

I think I am more of a comedienne with her than with anyone else.

We talked about everything from Barbra Walters' vibrator to the economy to legalizing to snotty kids to *"The Redneck Joke with a Vagina" to the **Circling Money Buzzards that are waiting for FCBMom to retire to the dirt farm to the crabby penis people that currently are "enhancing our lives one 'OHFORTHELOVEOFFUCKQUITBITCHINGATME!!' moment at a time" to the fact that I have been overextending myself with caring for a woman that isn't related to me in any way.

Oh. And we talked about American Idol, too. She LIKES Adam. The creepy "Ring of Fire" singing, Elvis/Zac Effron impersonating contestant that makes my sphincter whimper and curl up in a ball to suck its imaginary thumb. He creeps me. Oh and in case I didn't mention it, I think he is really, really CREEPY. Like Michael Jackson on a bad day in court, creepy. Um-yeah.

I was supposed to go over to Older Sister's house today to visit and lend a helping hand with whatever she needed help with and to unleash the Punk on The Cousins. The best laid plans. Um-yeah.

So I was woken up this morning with a slightly girlish, alarming scream of disgustedness from FCB. Punk had an accident. I needed to wake up and tend to it all. OK, OK. I get that I am the Mom and things have to be done in only the way a Mom can do them, but Jesus-H.-Jumped-Up-Christ-On-A-Waffle-Iron!?! Did you have to wake me by screaming at me? I mean...I didn't need this old heart anyway. It was just taking up space in my chest cavity. Not like I needed that finicky bitch to keep beating, anyway. Scare the fuck out of me and see how cheerful I am for the day, why dontcha. Um-Yeah.

So now my plans for the day are all discombobulated. Monkey wrench--Life? Have you two met? Um-yeah.

So now my plans are to clean my van before my weekly mecca to Disney for the Punk's spring break. Clean my house. Make love to my coffee maker one pot at a time because that bad boy is keeping me conscious and out of jail for wanting to strangle the crap out of the residents of FCBSister's house. Visit the FCBMom who finally went home from the hospital while avoiding the cops that are surely going to arrive at the FCBSister/FCBMom's house because said residents are drunk at 2 in the afternoon because the jobless/drunk sacks of mooch have nothing better do but suck the teet of greediness and drain the FCBSis dry. All the while they are fighting like it's wrestling smackdown time and they got nothing better to do.


The good news is: I can breathe again. The asthma attack finally subsided on Thursday.

The bad news is: I have to call my mom and see if she is willing to drive across town to wash and cut FCBMom's hair. My Mom has no filter from her brain to her mouth. (Gee, I wonder where I got that from?) One step into this house full of drunk rednecks and she is going to tell it like it is.

I should sell tickets.

Or at least film it to post on YouTube.

This should be interesting. Or at the least entertaining.

So that is just some random that is going on with me. I have to get off of the computer now and join the real world for a bit. Wish me luck. Oh, and say a prayer for my coffee maker. He's gonna need it.

*Redneck Joke with a Vagina(RJWAV) is the "home helper" that FCBSis has brought into her house to help out with the care taking of FCBSis and FCBMom. The woman has no job, is finishing school for an "exciting career in criminal justice", and just got turned down for food stamps that she blew off a job interview for to go get. Think of every redneck joke you have ever heard, remove all the teeth, and add a vagina and there you have this woman. I could write volumes on this "person" (and I used that term loosely...just like she is...) but I will save that for another post.

**Circling Money Buzzards are the RJWAV and the FCBSister's Husband. Neither have a job. Both are anxiously waiting on FCBMom to die because they both thing they are going to hit lottery payday when it happens. The Drunk Husband even tried selling us all his MIL's furniture and possessions last night. Just like they were his to sell. He wanted $1000 for an old couch from the 1960's. I restrained myself from wetting my pants with laughter. He thinks that there is some secret stash of cash and it will be all his the day his MIL passes. The RJWAV thinks she is going to get her cut. They are complete jokes and knuckle dragging occupants of Darwin's waiting room. They hate each other, yet live in the same house. The cops have been called out numerous times because they get all hopped up on Mad Dog 20/20 and start going at each other. FCBSis is beside herself. She doesn't want conflict in front of her Mom and she has asked her brother, the FCB(Fat Cranky Bastard if you are new here), to be the muscle/body guard/security because her 90 pound husband is actually terrified of his 400+ pound crankiness.

Does anyone else hear that faint "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" chanting in the background? It's just me? Um-yeah.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What's Up Wednesday

Howdy folks!! How is your day, week, or month going? Let's take a brief glimpse into mine with a little arts and crafts project, shall we?

First: Grab the nearest roll of duct tape. (Come on, you all know you have a roll there right next to the computer's what's holding the damn chair together.)

Next: Grab one of those little coffee swizzles. You know, those tiny little straws that they give you at the drive-thru to stir your coffee with? (Yeah right, like the motion of mosquito dick making a swirly in your cup is really going to help mix all that extra sugar into dissolving.)

Still with me? Good.

Third: Place coffee swizzle in your mouth, and duct tape your mouth and nose completely closed around the swizzle.

Finally: Breathe.

Welcome to my world.

I have been having an asthma attack since Sunday. This is generally how my yearly bout with congestive heart failure starts. Hopefully, I can avoid a two week vacation at the hospital. Not that I don't enjoy the rest, but the food sucks buckets.

How is your week? Having a good Wed-nes-day? Chime in and give me an update!

***Update on the grandmother of my child, who is not actually my mother-in-law, but the mother of my baby's daddy. (Just to clarify.) She was rushed to the ER on Monday night where we all held vigil until 2am. Massive bleeding from the hind quarters. They have been giving blood, but have yet to actually TREAT the problem because some dumb intern seems to think DNR means DON'T TREAT. We are about to head over there now to dine on the innards of the medical type people. That is of course after we rip them new ones.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Conversations from the car.

On our way home from the nursing home that FCBMom is currently in, we had the following discussion. It was too cute not to share.

Punk (from the backseat): "Dad? Can we go get a movie?"

FCB: "What is she talking about?"

Me: "There is a Blockbuster over there, remember? She knows there are movies over there because she remembers going there at sometime in the past."

FCB: "We haven't gone there in years! How could she remember that?"

Me: "I told you she was a smart little cookie. She remembers all kinds of things that you think she doesn't. She remembers everything you say, too. EH-HEM!"

FCB: "I know she is really smart, I just wish she would have can't think of the word, but more control of her self."

Me: "You mean more SELF CONTROL?" (This was follow by much hilarity and me almost peeing myself from laughing at him)

FCB: "Are you making fun of me? Are you laughing at me?"

Me: "Of course!"

Punk: "It's OK, Daddy, there is another movie store right down the street!" (Followed by giggling because she thought she was "in" on the joke.)

To give him credit, he is a little frazzled right now. They just moved his mom into this new nursing home on Monday and she has deteriorated rapidly this last week. They aren't expecting her to last more than a few more days since the heart infection is back. We are just trying to get her back to he own home to die in as much comfort as possible. We are all a little stressed and a whole lot of busy. That was why I was so light on posting this week. I promise to get back into the swing of things here really soon. Miss you guys!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

You make me want to live.

(The song below is by) Fisher - You (is the name of the song and these are the words...)

It’s late now
Time to sleep
Close your eyes
Go to dreams
Clouds on walls
And blue skies
Mommy’s sun,
her moon, her stars
And you
You make me run
And you
You make me want to live
Your smiles
Well they make my day
You don’t know it yet
But you’re everything
This little song – well
It’s for you
These lovely years
here with you
And you
You make me run
And you
You make me want to live
And you
You make me run
And you
You make me want to live
For you

She is my UNIVERSE.

And she makes me happy.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What's UP Wednesday!

Howdy folks! Time for another What's up Wednesday post! Today, Persnickety and the Punk are going to be joining FCB as we travel down to Cape Canaveral to go see the shuttle launch. FCB bought tickets WAY back when and they has postponed this launch like 13 times now. So we get to go all NASA today and Punk gets a little education along the way. Thank goodness she shares FCB's passion for all things rocket. Let's hope FCB doesn't push me into the flames of the blast off. (Yes we have special tickets to get us REALLY close, not just side of the road close, so we have to endure 5 hours of security checks.)

So that is what is going on with my Wednesday. Drop us a comment and let us know how your day, week, or life is going! Sharing is caring! (Way, waaaaay too much PBS this morning before coffee.)

Monday, March 9, 2009

I have been exposed

Got your attention there, didn't I?

I was actually interviewed over here at Grandy's blog and she posted it for everyone in her bloggy world to scrutinize. Then I got to thinking, (rare occurrence, I know) that when they all get here, if they get here, they only have my road-rage from a few days ago to entertain them.

So I figured I would post something new for you to visually feast on.

Most have you have read in the news lately that Barbie has gone trashy. Your little darling can now express her inner rebel/biker/trailer trash self and get her very own Tattoo Barbie. This Barbie comes with a tattoo gun and little rub on tattoos that you can stick all over her obnoxiously proportioned plastic body. Where you stick her is completely up to you. (Boy did that sound WAAAAY dirtier than in my head just now.)

My little Punk has gone one step farther to broaden Barbie's horizons and has created a whole new playground of KINK for her to enjoy. Observe.

I find these little floozies all over my house in all kinds of compromising positions. Hanging from the vertical blind cord, bound by the ankles to an elephant (don't even get me started on how hard I laughed when I saw this let alone how much harder I cried with mirth when my daughter asked me to help her untie her) or just laying around in various states of undress around the house. I swear if you showed up at my door you would think I was running some kind of nudist/swinger/kink camp for Barbie and her friends. Even funnier? There are no Ken dolls around so all these tramps are having to make due with whatever pachyderms are just hanging around. (My daughter has a thing about elephants. They not only outnumber the Barbies, but at this point, the humans AND the teddy bears.)

So there is a little view into the circus that is life around here. Or at least voyeuristic peep into the shenanigans that Barbie has been up to. I'll try to make sure I get more pictures of Barbie's escapades as she tramps her way through the house. Now I am off to the toy store. Gotta make sure I get my hands on a Tattoo Tramp Barbie before they are all sold out!

Friday, March 6, 2009



Attention drivers: Please put down the sandwich/cell phone/muffin/hooker/Sonic Slush/cell phone. Also notice that the current speed limit is a posted 45 MPH. That doesn't mean 4MPH OR 5MPH OR even 4+5MPH, (though I am giving your tiny brains waaaay too much credit for being able to add simple numbers) it means accelerate until that little dial on your dash matches the numbers posted on the little sign.

Thank you.

This has been a public service announcement.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

What's Up Wednesday.

So I was over at PickledBeef's AKA Tink's blog yesterday and she posted about how her day was going and asked her readers to do the same. I figured, since I am so erratic with the postings over here at PT, I would start a weekly thing like so many of my other bloggy friends have tried. I just hadn't come up with a good idea yet. Well, I still didn't come up with the idea. Tink did. And I am so giving her credit for the original idea. So if she wanders over to my blog to kick my ass for ripping her off...which I hope she won't...I hope she will see how cool I think she is by linking to her blog to give her a little more traffic. Cuz I think she is a riot! Not that I don't think the rest of you are funny. You are. That's why I love y'all so damn much!


What have y'all been up to? How has your day been? How about your week? I know I have been rambling on lately about the demented FCBMom, and that can't be too entertaining for you. So comment away! Tell me all about it!

Look for this to be a regular Wednesday post. Not only because I like to spell the word Wednesday (I know I am weird) but because if nothing else, y'all will get a regular post out of me once a week. Plus you get the skinny on what is going on in all my bloggy peeps lives.

Also, just to let y'all know, I recently got a copy of my complete medical records. That is going to be worthy of a couple of posts in and of itself. Not only because doctor type people have been lying and withholding from me for 13+ years, but I now know exactly what my heart condition is and what the fuck it is really all about.

But enough about me, tell me about you!