Sunday, August 30, 2009

I feel like I should break out into song!

So I am standing in my new kitchen and loading up my new dishwasher (ehembraggingehem) when my daughter comes up behind me, evaluates the situation and promptly proclaims, "Mommy! You're doing it wrong!"

"Doing what wrong, Punk?"

"The dishes! All WRONG!" (At this I am giggling because I have no clue what she is talking about.)

Pad-pad-pad-pad-pad go her little feet as she runs off to the other room, then pad-pad-pad-pad as she runs back into the kitchen and plops down my high heels in front of my feet and then assists me in putting them on.

"There. You have to wear heels while you do the dishes or else Prince Charming will never come to rescue you!" Pad-pad-pad as she runs from the room laughing like a madwoman.

At this point, I was glad I wasn't holding anything breakable because I was near tears with laughter. I continued to load the dishwasher when I hear the little pad-pad-pad come up behind me again.

"Mommy? Where are the jelly beans?"

"We don't have any jelly beans, Punk. Why do you need jelly beans?"

"Because my arm is asleep and that is the only thing that can wake it up!"

I love that my kid can be just as random as I am. Thought I would share the funny with y'all.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


So I get the phone call today from Punk's new school. I am conflicted about how I feel about it. On the one hand I an glad that it seems someone finally woke up and read her registration, on the other hand, they have yanked her out of a mainstream class and plopped her right back into a special needs class. A.R.G.H.

It seems someone saw me crying hysterically in my minivan after I went to orientation on the wrong day last week. I was told Friday. Kindergarten orientation was Thurs. I was the only parent in the random class that they placed my child in that didn't show up on the right day. I showed up on the day the front office told me was the day to show up when I had registered her the week prior. A.R.G.H.

The nice lady on the phone started every other sentence with, "I heard a rumor..."

I wasn't very good at the high school games in high school. I sucked at playing Telephone in the third grade. I have been plucked out of Normalville and dropped-kicked into Creepy-Assed-Stepford-Yuppyville-Where-Everyone-Repeats-Every-Single-Move/Word/Shit-You-Take-And-Discusses/Evaluates-It-At-Length. (Just for the record the Post Office officially groans when they see that addressed on an envelope. They don't fucking like to venture out here, anyway. These folks bite, y'all.)

So I have to go into the school tomorrow to straighten out all the misunderstandings (theirs) and help to get my child situated into the correct learning environment. (Did y'all just hear that creepy voice chanting "homeschool"? No? Just me then? Alrighty.)

This should be interesting since they have very strict rules about where you are allowed to drive and park when it comes to dropping your kid off. They would like you to toss them out of the side of a rolling SUV to help streamline things. Or better yet, it you live less than 5 miles from the school, "We encourage parents to walk or bike ride with their children to school to help in the pick up/drop off process. This will cut down on automobile traffic and help our kids get healthier!" Yeah, I see the reasoning in that. Or here's a thought, Muffy! Stop driving your huge-assed SUV that sucks the planet dry of resources to a school that you know you aren't zoned for but you lied on your registration so that your kid could go to the "right" school anyway and you just have to have a vehicle that big when there is only your 5 foot tall ass and your snotty little 10 year old fucktard that told me in the hallway at orientation that I should "Move it, fat-ass!" before he jaunted off down the hallway proclaiming that, "people that wide shouldn't be allowed in the building."

Ooops. I seem to have gotten carried away there. (True story, though. Got called a fat-ass. Just another little push over the edge that had me bawling in the minivan last Friday that is now the talk of the neighborhood this week because these people have nothing better to do or are all out of their little prescriptions that make them normal or some shit....ahem. Sorry. Got carried away again.)

So. What's up with your Wed-Nes-Day? Wanna come help me unpack? I have to find some "normal" clothes to go to this meeting in tomorrow. FCB has forbodden me from shaving my head into a mohawk and dying it purple. I am resisting the temptation to put my nose ring in. Think I could find a tattoo shop close by that would stamp me with Yuppyville Sucks? I miss my friends. They are nice "real" people that don't judge. One of them is off pregnant somewhere about to give birth, another is trying to earn a living in Orlando. Yet another "friend" that I haven't met yet but I have a suspicion lives close by, thinks her 2 year old will tear up my house...I say anything he can do would be an improvement at this point.

I need a drink. I need some of my "normal". I am tired of this move already. I want a pool in the backyard. Oh, and a hot pool boy wearing a thong and holding a tray with a fruity tropical drink and a check for 10 million dollars. Yeah...that would hit the spot.

Anyone else ever feel like a bleeding guppy in a large shark tank? And how was your Wednesday?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Because I am lazy-sick-overwhelmed-takeyourpick.

I know...I know...BAD PERSNICKETY!

I was reading my daily blog list today when I left a comment on something BusyBeeSuz wrote.

I got an email back from her.

This was my comment...

Persnickety Ticker has left a new comment on your post "If walls could talk, what would yours say?": My Mom's would say, "Complimentary socks provided under the table for all your brussel sprout disposal needs."

Mine would say, "All uneaten mashed potato sculptures will be sold to cover the cost of your meal."

She wrote me: "You are too darn funny…hey, you should start a blog..."

I wrote her: "Yeah...hint hint. Been swamped with the finishing of the house, the move, and now I am on the brink of a hospital visit-sick. Plus I still haven't removed all of my possessions out of my old house. I have 6 days. I am overwhelmed and out of help. The blog will come back...just as soon as I get some spare time. I am pretty sure I know which box I packed that in....

Aaaaand as I write you this little email I realized that that paragraph right there could be a blog update. See? You inspire me!

So there you go, folks. I'm not dead. And my funny is half-way unpacked.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

What's Up Wednesday is Thankful Thursday.

Why? Because I am thankful that Thursday is over. It.Was.A.Long.Damn.Day. But my kid is registered for school, the new house is finished (mostly) and I have moved in, and "What are you going to do now Persnickety?"

"Why...I'm going to Disney, of course!"

Yup. Going to get up at the ass crack of the break of day and get my groove on down in 'Lando.

"How long are you going to be gone, Persnickety?"

"Oh...just Friday, Saturday, Sunday and September."

"No really, Persnick. How long did you plan on staying?"

"Do you think they would let me rent a room at the Haunted Mansion? Or better yet! I could shack up in the Hall of Presidents! I like older men! No wait! I'll bet that I could get a job as the fat wench in the Pirates of the Caribbean and never have to leave!"

I will probably be home some time next week. Or whenever my gracious host gets sick of me and kicks my snoring ass out. Well...not that my ass snores...but you know what I mean...

Until then, if you are dying for a dose of snark, read the archives. I used to be funny. Then I started this whole house project. Now I am jaded and tired and running away from home in a fit of teenage rebellion. Because? I can so totally pull of the teenage tude with great flair and flourish! And on that note? ::eyeroll: and whatever...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

What's Up Wedesday

So how is your Wednesday going? Mine? So far so good. I have rebelled all week from going to the house. I think I have moving issues or change issues or I can't believe the house is almost finished and I am sick and tired of painting and cleaning and I just can't muster the gumption to finish the damn project issues. Oh and then there was that whole food-poisoning/Rotovirus for the weekend...and Monday/Tuesday issue. I have spent half the week in bed. FCB has been chomping at the bit to get me to get up and go finish the house with him. I don't wanna. If I finish I have to move. If I move I lose closet space. See? That's a good enough reason to stay in bed right there!

Speaking of staying in bed...I have been having some wacky dreams lately. Involving people from my distant past. I chalk it all up to my subconscious resistance to moving. I don't deal well with change. Hell, I don't even like to make change. Or carry change. The jingling bugs me.

Anyway...while I was down sick one of the past few days, Punk decided that I needed soup and ice to make me feel all better. But of course, delivering these things to me required me to get out of bed to help her make these things. She decided to inform me that our refrigerator produces ice, "little ice", and lemons. She based this all on the little pictures on the automatic ice maker. The water drop is the ice. The "little ice" is crushed, and the whole ice cubes are lemon wedge shaped. Thus? My fridge produces lemons. Viola!

"Mommy? Where's the soup button?"

So how is your Wed-Nes-Day going?

Mine is about to get more tedious as I am about to head to the house to clean and finish painting. FCB is so totally going to have to build me a pool. And a hot tub. And buy me a golf cart. Something has to make up for me losing closet space.