Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Here's your Random. Want fries with that?

It's been rainy here in FL for the last couple of days. All this rain has led me to one conclusion. That all the Fucknards, Douchenozzles and Twatwaffles have migrated to FL and forgot to pack their driving skills in their little over night baggies. It SUCKS. I would feel safer driving through a pack of grannies that are blindfolded, too short to see over the steering wheel, anyway, and late to go play Bingo.

It's infuriating. Just because I drive a mini-van, doesn't mean I automatically drive like I am driving a mini-van. No, Sir. I don't particularly want to drive 25 in a 45. Call me crazy.

Feisty's Oldest Spawn turned 16 today. I remember the day he was born. Ahh...such a cute baby. It still leaves us wondering what the hell happened. Feisty says it's because I constantly screamed "HELLO BAYBAY!" to her tummy while she was pregnant. She is so screwed because I have been doing it to her this whole pregnancy as well.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car today that said, "Impeach Obama." At first all I could think was, "Why? He hasn't had enough time to screw or screw up that badly, yet." And then I thought, "They can't impeach Obama. That would just completely fuck up the new addition to the Hall of Presidents and Disney!"

Progress on the house is coming along. The first painters completely screwed the pooch on the whole job and had to be replaced by Speedy "Tattoo" Gonzales. That man can paint like a mad streak! Blink and your walls are a different color! I was so impressed and thought things were going to turn out all right....until...I got to the house this morning and the guest bath is completely the wrong color. I picked up the can of paint on the floor that it was supposed to be. Completely full. ARGHHHH!!!!

I asked FCB if we could just hire someone to be me for the next couple of weeks. That would be groovy. Then I could sleep in, play Farm Town on Facebook, and make her pack my shit. That would suit me just fine. He laughed hysterically and said he would replace me in a heartbeat if he could find someone that cleaned. That man is never satisfied. He hated that his wife never cooked anything more complicated than Hamburger Helper. I am a fabulous cook. His wife was an anal neat freak. Meh. I'm neat enough. Clutter is the new clean, I say.

Speaking of clean, the dust bunnies at the new house are throwing a parade in my honor for rescuing them from the filth. They are planning on painting a mural of me right over the shrine they have erected. I feel honored.

I make almost daily trips to Home Depot. Buy this, get that, mix paint. It's getting to the point where the employees know us by first name and are practically rolling their eyes at us when we walk in. I was actually pissed today when I went in and on a hunch decided to check to see if my faucet and ceiling fan had been restocked. They had. I was supposed to get a phone call when the items got in. No call. Makes me want to tie someone up with an orange apron and beat them senseless with a paint stick.

So that is most of the Random that I have for today. Punk is rocking out at summer school. Having a great time and progressing nicely. I am seesawing on the health issues. I have good days and bad. Was in bed last night at 8pm, and sitting here thinking that 5pm isn't too early to call it a night, either. So I am off to hoe myself out at Farm Town for a bit. Gotta make some coin to buy some new seeds to plant. I am such a total cropstitute.


Feisty Irish Wench said...

It's called Tourist Season for a reason, sadly we're not permitted to shoot at them for sport either.

And I am right there with you on the whole "hyuck hyuck you drive a mom-bus, it must mean you go slow". Uh no pal get the fluffernutter out of my way, live a little and use the LONG one on the right. And rainy roads don't mean extra lube for the back of my van either. "Two car lengths" means nothing apparently.

You can't take ALL the credit for screwing with R.W., you share that burden with my mother and Devildog's genetics.

And FCB can hire me as a project manager for you. It'll look good on my resume.

Grandy said...

I have never in my LIFE known these words... "Fucknards, Douchenozzles and Twatwaffles".

I intend on plagerizing you with EVERY opportunity with that one Persnickety. :)

People drive like idiots in California too...if that's any consolation.