Monday, July 23, 2012

Change is not always a good thing...

Cause fuckitall!! They went and changed blogger on me. And now I am having to go, "wait, what?" Hopefully this posts correctly...and honestly, does it really matter if it doesn't? I really doubt the 2 people that actually check this place on a weekly basis are going to care that it is correct so much as that it's a new posting since I haven't been here since May.

I spent 4th of July in the hospital again. Pneumonia. Lost 20lbs in 4 days. I look like a skin bag. I'm a fluffy girl normally, but there are bones and hangy skin going on. It's not pretty.

Damn. That all sounded depressing. Sorry about that.

Wait, I think there is one more nugget of joy that I need to squeeze out.

Most of my friends have jumped ship and either deserted me, or betrayed me.

Kinda gives you that nice warm and fuzzy feeling, huh? Yeah, me too. All over. Unfortunately, I just can't seem to muster more than a tear, a meh, and an occasional desire to hunt some of them down and boink them upside the head with a cast-iron skillet.

I get that no one likes death and dying and those depressing and terminal people that just won't croak when they are supposed to. Pisses me off, too, that I have to live every day in the state that I am in. Getting out of bed takes effort. Remembering to hydrate and nourish myself takes effort. Dying without the support of people who supposedly give a shit about me takes effort.

I'm grateful to the ONE friend that has stuck by me in her own way. More so than she will probably ever know. And for that reason, I have been trying to update my recipe book like a mad woman so that she will have a spiffy reward for not bailing like everyone else.

Sorry about the bitter. It's kinda eating at me and sitting in my chest like that Alien thing.

And going up to look at this I realize that I have apologized for my feelings which I shouldn't have done, because they are mine and I have the right to feel them. Been in hiding mostly because I don't want to cause anyone anymore pain or distress due to my condition and also because I am not sure who I can trust to not hurt me and kick me while I am down.

Punx is growing and thriving and singing and laughing and homeschooling and playing and being a great big bundle of joy and amusement for me. She really is my reason for staying and for fighting to get out of bed everyday. Even Fat Cranky Bastard is being a decent human being for once. It's nice not to have to deal with  strife in my own home. Came up with a new word, Dramoil. Drama + turmoil = Dramoil.

Avoiding that shit like it's the plague. Or the zombie apocalypse.


ChiTown Girl said...

Hey, Leigh, way to bring a girl down!!

Oh, sweety, I'm sorry things are so rough these days. I can't believe the people you THOUGHT were your friends bailed like that. If they truly were your friends, they'd still be around. I wish we lived closer. I'd come over and bug the shit out of you every dang day!

Glad FCB is finally acting like a human being. Punk must be getting HUGE! Give her an extra big hug for me, and then give yourself one, too!!

I'll keep sending happy thoughts and prayers.


One Reader said...

Still here, not going away (I'm only that easy if there's chocolate involved). Hoping and praying for you and Punk. Wish I could say I was a real life friend, interweb acquaintance will have to do. At the very least you don't have to worry about maintaining those "friendships" any longer. I hear worry is quite the life suck and you need all you can get. No use spending it on the unappreciative. Hope there are people nearby that are helping with the day to day.

Feisty Irish Wench said...

Dang geography putting the miles between us, and then lack of sufficient income to support the drive to TBFT to come see you.
Not having to deal with people means you have more time to knit! Alas, my knitting suffers for the presence of that all addicting crackbook over there though.

The Girl Next Door said...

I've been gone a LOOOOONG time but am back. So sorry to hear your friends have deserted you. Made me feel so guilty for not checking in by cyberspace. Want you to know that you do have cyberbuddies out here even if I'm no damn freakin' good to give you the physical support you need!!

Lindy said...

I'm still stalking ya! Can't get rid of me that easy.