Monday, June 22, 2009

It's a totally accredited course!

Yeah, that's right folks! Step right up and join my class, Fart Carting 101! I am an easygoing professor that explains things in simple and fun terms. I even grade on a curve!

In my class you will learn things like; "Aiming for that bitch with the dirty look on her face" and "How to totally defend your use of a Fart Cart in 15 swear words or less" as well as gems like "How to not only run over their feet 'accidentally' but aim for their rude little offspring, too!" And my favorite topic of all time, (and this class is a must attend) "How to avoid going to prison for mauling smart assed, idiotic, should have kept their opinions to themselves tourists by backing over their face after they called you fat and lazy by using a totally plausible insanity defense!"

Sign up now! Class space is limited! Refreshments in the form of ice cream and beer (beer floats?) served after every class!

***Update on the news that is me...I failed my Pulmonary Function Test with flying colors today which proves 2 things.

#1. I can't breathe deeply without breaking down into a coughing fit that leaves me peeing my pants and/or passing out. (You should have seen the look on the tech's face when I fell out of the booth, yeah the test is done in a phone booth...don't ask. She lunged to catch me as I was going down and right before I passed out I saw the look of terror on her face as the realization hit her she was trying to catch the full weight of me and there was no way she wasn't going down with me. times.

#2. That little man named Dinesh that is my new doc is going to freak out a little when he sees those results. He wasn't sure how to handle me in the first place, and had no plausible excuse for what was going on with me so he just pulled the term Cardiac Asthma out of his ass to make himself look all smart and shit. Feisty was with me at the time and it took all the restraint we had not to call BULLSHITE on him when the term uttered out of his little mouth. Cardiac asthma was his sellf-important way to diagnose me with congestive heart failure which we knew I already had because all the rest of the docs had already diagnosed that. But I'm sure in his little world he felt he had done a great job and impressed the sheep that he thought I was.

I still don't feel great, but I am still breathing on my own and at this moment upright, so I guess in the grand scheme of's all good!


Feisty Irish Wench said...

BWAHAHA I SOOO want that course. People don't see the babeh belleh and just look at me like "why the heck is that healthy skinny broad on a fart cart??" Nevermind the fact that Stowaway is compressing my sciatic nerve making it even difficult to walk to the bathroom sometimes. You should get a "persnickety ticker" sticker for the back and front of the fart cart.

And Little Doctor Dinesh...yea, he was so lost and baffled. Did you see the look on his face when you said "I'm gonna pass out"? Probably the same look as the chick at the phone booth test. Cardiac Asthma is such a more pleasant way of saying "crapped out ticker" isn't it?

Feisty Irish Wench said...

BTW, is there an inhaler for such a thing as "Cardiac Asthma"?

Busy Bee Suz said...

Wow, I hope you get better soon. You are a challenge to the medical profession it seems. Take care, Suz

ChiTown Girl said...

Those classes sound awesome! Sorry you're still feeling under the weather.

Grandy said...

Ok so I'm learning how to use my new cell phone and came to read your update. I just haven't figured out how to post a comment on it yet. You're hysterical my bloggy buddy. I love your sarcasm in the face of adversity. YOU ROCK!!