Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Birth Of A New BOB.

Therapeutic Laughter. I still have the giggles. I have had them since 11:30pm. It's 1:30am. The giggles have all been caused by the long awaited arrival of my new man toys. I say man toys because some are shaped to resemble men, and one is designed to be used by one. (It was a free gift. Wait...this gets better...)

I open my packages with a giddy sense of adventure. The first package very obviously was my new G-Vibe. I knew this because it was bright pink and packed into a white bubble wrap envelope. You could see right through it. My mail person must have such an interesting opinion of me now. I open and reach in for my invoice to make sure I got what I ordered and for the right price, and while scanning it I notice a nice little stamp in the corner that said "Inspected and Packed by No. 3." Well all right! I feel better knowing my personal items have been fondled by No. 3! I saw the G-Vibe, but reached past it for the pale flesh colored tube looking thing. This was my free gift? I ordered two items that were clearly intended to be used for a woman and I got a free gift designed for a man. Oh well. I figured I could give it to my male roommate. He might could get some use out of it. I took it to the kitchen where he was heating up his dinner and I showed it to him. I told him it was even his color!

"Oh look! Bonus nubbies on the inside! Even I don't come with bonus nubbies! And hey! It also has an easy hand grip! I don't have handy hand grips, either! It really is better than a woman! It won't even talk back to you!" I told him.

He replied, "Yeah, it probably won't do the dishes or vacuuming either. Hey...just like you! Must be just like a real woman!" (He's an ass sometimes.)

Personally, I have never met a woman with nubbies. As far as I know, anatomically, the vajayjay ain't built that way. This sleeve thingy even has a simulated clitoris. Not really sure what the purpose of that is, but it is there. I guess nothing says lovin' like a jellified nasty new plastic smelling artificial pun-tang. Woo. Hoo.

Then I did something that every child with a Chinese finger trap has done. I got stuck. I instant messaged Feisty with my pinkies while both index fingers were getting nubbed. I was giggling hysterically by this time. I told her, "uh oh...I think I have a Chinese finger trap incident on mah hands...I can't get it off...and I haven't even gotten off."

She couldn't resist, and even though it was now well past midnight she called to be privy to the complete giggly meltdown I was having. I talked to her while I took pictures for you folks. She said she had been having a bad day and I was definitely making it better. I had been drinking Bacardi Mojitos. I was having a great (albeit alcoholically and sex toy lubricated) evening.

When I finally got the sleeve off my fingers, it made the weirdest sucking thwock sound. (Strangely, I just can't stop playing with it. My hands smell odd. Like factory new plastic.) I then grabbed the G-Vibe. It had a hair in it.

My factory sealed, inspected and packed by No. 3, had a short dark hair in it. Bet your ass I am going to clean that bad boy at least twice before using it.

I grabbed the package that had the wallbanger in it. Opened it up and pulled out the mangled box.

Got sidetracked by the idiot clause.

Then pulled out the new jellied, suction cupped, vibrating, waterproof, and plastic wrapped for my safety, toy. Took me a few tries to get it to stick to a wall. (It is a wallbanger, after all.)

It was at this point I noticed the dog. The little animal shape that is supposed to be the clit stimulator is in the shape of a dog humping the vibrator. I lost it completely at that point. My giggles turned to guffaws turned to snorts. All I could think at this point was, "Wow! It's the birth of a new BOB! Where is my great disco ball in the sky and the three wise Motown singers that sound like Marvin Gaye singing 'Let's get it on' while bearing more free gifts...or lube."

I checked the mangled wallbanger box and it didn't have any instruction manual or warranty or anything. I guess I am on my own when it comes to figuring out how to make it work. I hope it's user friendly. I figure if the dildo isn't therapeutic enough it came with enough bubble wrap to keep me out of therapy awhile, anyway.

1 comment:

The Girl Next Door said...

I have the very late night giggles, thanks to you!!!