Doing Disney Disabled, part 1

This is going to be a regular series on my blog for at least the next year. I promise it won't get boring. (My daughter and I are the new proud owners of Season Passes. If you are heading to Disney World with your free birthday ticket in 2009 and you want some company, just give me a shout. I'm looking at you Feisty.)

Anyone who knows me or has at least read my blog a little knows there are two things I am truly passionate about, Crocs and Disney World. The good thing about these two passions? Disney is a plethora of tourists who have discovered the comfiness of Crocs while wandering around a theme park. Just looking down at every pair of feet in the lines waiting to get on a ride and you would see at least 3 out of 5 people wearing them. It's like a cult. And the good news? I hear they are going to start giving away a free glass of Kool-Aid with each new purchase! (I'm kidding. Maybe.)

So last October I convinced FCB (Fat Cranky Bastard in case y'all forgot what that stood for) to go to Disney for the day while we were already down in Orlando trying to enjoy some still hot Florida weather. (If you're a Yankee don't hate. It's y'all's choice to live in that vast frozen wasteland you cling to.) So after many promises to FCB that when we got home I would clean the house and budget the money better (I still haven't done either) we went to the Magic Kingdom for a day. At the ticket window, the nice friendly ticket agent convinced us to purchase the 3 day ticket at a much better value. FCB relented. YAY! DISNEY!

That day, back in October, I rented an Electric Convenience Vehicle or ECV which I will from now on lovingly refer to as a Fart Cart since that is what it is due to the old farts and the disabled people (and lazy motherfucking idiots that ruin it for the people that really need one not that I am bitter or anything...eh-hem) that ride them. Plus the fact that they are slower than I would like them to move and when you are on one it seems like you are just fartin' along. I had a great day with my daughter in the park. She would ride on the fart cart with me when employees were being generous, and would walk beside me patiently when we would get reprimanded for her riding on the fart cart with me. We would have covered more park that day had it not been for FCB tagging along and bitching all day about his feet and back hurting. I told him he should have rented an ECV, too. He said he didn't feel right riding one when he was able to walk (and bitch and moan) and there were people like me that needed one. Aww. That day we had a great day. Mostly. Fart cart and all. The only downer? Fucktards that constantly commented as I passed by, like I couldn't hear them, that I was fat and lazy and didn't deserve to ride a fart cart because there appeared to be nothing wrong with me. Dumbassed Fucktards. They just must have been jealous because I got to go to the front of the lines every time. HEHEHE. I love ulterior motives.

That brings us to the Disney visit this past weekend. We went to Animal Kingdom on Thursday because the only reservation left for the character dining was on Friday at Epcot. So we moved our plans around. Both FCB and I rented fart carts for the day in Animal Kingdom. Neither of us had been before and we wanted to enjoy it fully without any bitching. Eh-hem. From what we managed to see, it was eh-tastic. Really. I was kinda hoping for much more. I was disappointed. The whole park was planned badly. While the general outlay of the park was supposed to resemble a bastard child of Magic Kingdom and Epcot combined, it failed miserably when the planners that be decided to save space by making the walkways in the whole park way too narrow. Fart Carts + Narrow Walkways + Idiots Who Refuse To Acknowledge Us OR Move The Fuck Out Of The WAY!!! = Vocally Abusive Disgruntled Park Guest.

The Punk (my daughter) was mostly a good girl, and walked beside the fart carts when we got reprimanded by park employees. Which was, it seemed, every ten feet. In large crowds I made her get in my lap or her father's lap so as not to get swept away, distracted and lost. We got yelled at. She fell down and skinned her hands and knees at one point and when I picked her up to comfort her, while sitting on the fart cart, I got yelled at for having her in my arms while sitting completely still on the thing. I was getting a little fed up.

In the past, when I have had and ECV or a wheelchair, I have been treated like a special princess on wheels. I get into the lines faster and onto the rides faster. I still have to wait, just like everyone else, just not as long. The employees have always been nice and accommodating, up until this trip, and have gone out of their way to make me feel "special" and not in the short-bus kind of way. They are normally kind and helpful.

This time I was treated like a second class (or third in some cases) pain in the ass. I tried to not let it bother me, after all, we had just started the first day of the trip and I was thinking it was just the park or a fluke or something. We managed to finish out the day at the Animal Kingdom and at the end of the day, FCB bought Season Passes for me and the Punk so that we can come back over and over again. While at Guest Relations, we were talking about how we could come back for FCB's birthday next year with his free pass. The man at the counter then pointed out that our upgrade to passes expired one year from the date of original ticket purchase. We had bought the tickets 3 days before his birthday. I was bummed that we wouldn't all be able to come back next year and celebrate his birthday in Disney. Then the coolest thing happened. The Guest Relations guy extended out our passes 3 days beyond FCB's birthday so that we could come down for his birthday and stay the rest of the weekend if we so chose. WOOT! What a nice experience after a day of feeling like a substandard guest!

The next day was adventures in Epcot. Once again, both FCB and I got fart carts. Once again, the day went by with us being constantly harassed by fucktards who voiced that we were fat and lazy. I let it roll off. FCB was bothered by it. We rode a few rides and generally had a good time. We had a 4:20 reservation at Norway in the World Showcase to eat at a character dinner where we would get to meet at least 4 princesses. For the low bargain price of $167 and some change, we got to eat a yummy meal that included my daughter's $20 pizza the size of a silver dollar pancake. She only ate about half of it. The reason?

"OOH, Mommy! Look at all the Princesses!!"

She got to meet Sleeping Beauty first and got her photo taken by the park photographer. It was at that time we learned that we would be getting a "free photo package" with our dinner that evening. (That helped lube us up for the bend-over price of dinner.) Next up was Belle, only she was dressed in her peasant clothes and not the customary big ballgown. So my daughter was unimpressed with her, not ever having seen the movie and with all her books showing a princess in a big yellow dress. After Belle was Ariel. Full turquoise dress and long red hair. FCB was disappointed. He was looking forward to half-naked character in a push-up shell bra.

Well...you can't please everyone all the time...

The next princess to appear was Jasmine. Ooooh. One of the Punk's current favorites. Pictures were taken and Punk asked Jasmine if she wanted to go on a ride with her. Punk also asked Jasmine if she like her Crocs. She was a lot more talkative with the princesses she likes best. During this whole meet and greet, there was this weird looking creepy guy hanging out watching the princesses. He made it into almost all my pictures. Turns out he was "The Princess Handler" and was in charge of making sure they made it to every table without leaving anyone out.

The last princess was Punk's all time favorite. Cinderella. Thank goodness potty training is still in force and a pull-up was on the Punk, because I know she must have peed herself in excitement. She showed Cinderella her Crocs, asked her to go on a ride, and asked if she wanted to come live with us. We all had a good laugh on that one. We finished our dinner, and had started the dessert course, when Creepy Handler Dude came over to ask us if we had seen at least 4 princesses. We assured him we had and he continued to talk with us and ask how we were enjoying the experience, we were polite, of course, but we made sure to answer in a way that didn't invite further questioning. We finished dessert and gathered up to leave, when we were approached by a Norwegian girl who worked in the restaurant. She asked us if we would like to accompany her on the boat ride that is featured in Norway. We agreed, and followed her past a long line and got on the ride immediately with a boat all to ourselves. COOL! Turns out, Handler Dude heard our daughter asking all the princesses to go on a ride and tried to give us the next best thing. That rocked.

We spent the rest of the day going on rides and at about 7:30pm FCB parked the fart cart in what he thought would be a good place to see the fireworks and Illuminations at 9pm. Punk and I spent the next hour and a half riding the boat ride in Mexico featuring Donald Duck. She adores that ride. She was in heaven. We watched the show at 9 and returned back to the hotel for the night. Originally we had planned to leave the next morning, but with my newly acquired Season Pass, I convinced FCB to let me and the Punk head to the Magic Kingdom Saturday morning for a little fun. He agreed and said he would sit by the pool after checkout and read for a few hours to give us time in the park.

The next day at the Magic Kingdom is a story all by itself. It started great and ended poorly. I fully plan to tell you all about it, but this post is long enough. I will leave you today with a few photos and a promise to divulge the rest in a couple of days along with the story of the Veterans' Day experience. Let's just say there are cracks in the magic that is Disney. Got any stories of your own? I would love to hear them! Meanwhile, enjoy the princess parade...