Monday, February 23, 2009

Plucky Random Ticker Tidbits.

The good news? I finally thought up a title to this post after mulling it over all day in my head and muttering to myself throughout the grocery store that made more than one person give me a dirty look and a wide berth.

The bad news? I doubt I will ever top the title "And then? She just licked the floor." Reality trumps imagination around here every.damn.time.

The good news? I saved the world today.

The bad news? My impact of using my aluminum reusable water bottle from Disney and FINALLY remembering to bring along the damn grocery bags AND make sure they went in the store with me instead of sitting uselessly in my van, probably won't make much of a dent in any lifetime of anyone I know in any near future. Still with me? Good. Moving along...

The good news? My new doctor is a young, hot, cute, funny, charming, caring, considerate, funny, non-hand-shaking-but-who-can-blame-him-I-have-MRSA, cute,, you get the idea. As he was checking me over today, he was looking up my nose with a little light thing and actually said, "How much do you envy me my job right now, hmm?"

The bad news? It hurts like a bitch to laugh while someone has a light shoved up your sore nose.

The good news? I doubt this will be a clandestine affair where I cheat on my regular doc by going to a younger, hotter, funnier doc on the sly for all my little bumps and bruises. I really like the new guy. He is computer literate and yet still managed to "doctor" me.

The bad news? The longest relationship I have ever had outside of family has come to an end. I had been seeing my "Savior" since I was 18 and at 19 he was the one that found my heart defect. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for him. 15 years of putting up with the medical malfunction that is Persnickety Ticker deserves a medal or something. I'm just sayin'.

The worse news? I had to end the relationship because getting an appointment with him was like a homeless junkie trying to get a reservation at a four star restaurant. Every time I called, the office manager (who didn't like me much and who made my life more difficult than it had to be all because I called her on some misinformation once about FMLA and even complained to her boss and then she was all like the hateful, nasty cheerleaders in high school that made ugly faces at me, talked bad about me and made me miserable with their hoity-toity attitudes like their shit didn't stink and whoa did I just shoot off on a tangent there can we say unresolved issues coupled with ADD sorry 'bout that I'll steer back to the original thought) would inevitably answer like I had a flagged account and would tell me they were completely booked and she couldn't squeeze me in, and I should just go to the ER. I was told last Thursday that there were no appointments and they would be closed on Friday due to their computers being down for maintenance. (Like there was no way a doctor or a nurse could treat without their damn computer, call me old fashioned but I remember when the whole fucking practice was computerless.)

Ahem. I found out Saturday while I was in the ER that my brother in law had been to the doctor on Friday. Oh? So they were open, eh?


The good news? I am breaking out of a rut and maybe a fresh pair of eyes will have some better ideas to help me get healthier.

The bad news? I have to start all over again with the explaining and the paperwork and the argh and the frustration of getting to know someone new.

The good news? A complete stranger called me "Plucky" today. I took it as a compliment even if it wasn't meant as one.

The bad news? I had to stop typing this to go fix dinner and eat and I kinda lost my groove.

The good news? I am on enough antibiotics to kill the plague according to the funny new doctor.

The bad news? I am taking upwards of 12 pills and sometimes more a day just to get rid of whatever this crud is. Yeeaughck. Yes that's a word. You people are vocabulary junkies and I am just runny on empty here at the moment. Yes I said runny. Not running. I was trying to make a subtle joke there but when I proofed I thought no one would get it. Eh. Blame the meds.

The good news? My bread and eggs didn't get crushed, for once, under my milk jug.

The bad news? I had to bag my own groceries much to the chagrin of the umpteen people waiting behind me in line. But secretly I was laughing on the inside because I was doing it slowly just to irritate people.

The good news? I didn't get into any car accidents today.

The bad news? People in my town have just stopped caring about how badly they are driving because they are too damn busy talking on the phone while speeding up to pass me only to jump in front of me to slow down to 10 miles under the speed limit. Oh for the love of GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!

The good news? I am almost done.

The bad news? I got one more. Don't get your panties in a twist.

The good news? My little Punk went to spend the weekend at my older sister's house while I was all indisposed with the plague.

The bad news? I think we left not only her brain, but her common sense and her potty training skills at my sister's. And I don't even want to attempt to drive back across town to go look for them.

On that note, I am out of here. I need to clean up the tornadic disaster that is my 5 year old.


The Girl Next Door said...

Is it wrong to laugh at this post? B/c it's hilarious when I know that so much of it, in reality, isn't funny. But you share it with a smile - or is that a snark?

Persnickety Ticker said...

I try to find the funny in even the most depressing events.

I am a riot at funerals. Seriously.

I live on snark and caffeine. It's what helps me keep my girlish figure.

Those who know me probably can't breathe through their laughter right now.

Feisty Irish Wench said...

Well, go off the map for a few days and crap happens.
I love your line about snark and caffeine. FREAKIN hilarious! And I don't dare laugh too hard, parts start expressing pain when I do that this week.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Even when you are eating a large shit sandwich, you make me laugh so hard. Sorry for all the crap....I really think a New Dr. might be in order...fresh eyes, fresh perspective and his office staff can't hate you yet. ;)
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Oh, and i like to think that I am saving the world with all my recycling and little super hero's we are!!!!

Tink said...

I heart this post.

I especially love that you managed to squeeze saving the world into your hectic daily schedule. ;)

Feisty Irish Wench said...

Just went trolling through my dashboard here on blogger...and realized, you've been sick 6 weeks. While I've been green with this pregnancy, it's been you that's been evilly ill. Does this mean you have sympathy pregnancy for me? You can stop now if that's the case, I'm almost to the second trimester.

tysgirl said...

It's too bad when a perfectly good doctor is ruined by his front desk help.

I've been in awe of my OBGYN and Pediatrician's front desk staff. Not only are they NOT cranky, they're actually friendly. It's very odd. I swear being a cranky twat is a prerequisite for working in a doctor's office.

Robin Costello said...

What was he looking for up your nose AND most importantly, did he find it?

If we ever meet, can I take a peek? Maybe you have something really interesting or enlightening up there? Is that where you keep secrets?


Persnickety Ticker said...

Nope, nothing up my nose except my spare change. ;)

Marie said...

The problem with having cute doctor is that sometimes they see the not-so-cute side of you. My obstetrician is cute and funny, but I have to remember that he did a D&C on me last spring so he has seen the very worst of me (I'm SO glad I was a sleep for that! Ew!)

If it's not too personal, what kind of a heart defect do you have? My oldest daughter was born with pulmonary stenosis.

I'm enjoying the Ticker files!