Because I am lazy-sick-overwhelmed-takeyourpick.

I know...I know...BAD PERSNICKETY!

I was reading my daily blog list today when I left a comment on something BusyBeeSuz wrote.

I got an email back from her.

This was my comment...

Persnickety Ticker has left a new comment on your post "If walls could talk, what would yours say?": My Mom's would say, "Complimentary socks provided under the table for all your brussel sprout disposal needs."

Mine would say, "All uneaten mashed potato sculptures will be sold to cover the cost of your meal."


She wrote me: "You are too darn funny…hey, you should start a blog..."

I wrote her: "Yeah...hint hint. Been swamped with the finishing of the house, the move, and now I am on the brink of a hospital visit-sick. Plus I still haven't removed all of my possessions out of my old house. I have 6 days. I am overwhelmed and out of help. The blog will come back...just as soon as I get some spare time. I am pretty sure I know which box I packed that in....

Aaaaand as I write you this little email I realized that that paragraph right there could be a blog update. See? You inspire me!

So there you go, folks. I'm not dead. And my funny is half-way unpacked.

What's Up Wednesday is Thankful Thursday.

Why? Because I am thankful that Thursday is over. It.Was.A.Long.Damn.Day. But my kid is registered for school, the new house is finished (mostly) and I have moved in, and "What are you going to do now Persnickety?"

"Why...I'm going to Disney, of course!"

Yup. Going to get up at the ass crack of the break of day and get my groove on down in 'Lando.

"How long are you going to be gone, Persnickety?"

"Oh...just Friday, Saturday, Sunday and September."

"No really, Persnick. How long did you plan on staying?"

"Do you think they would let me rent a room at the Haunted Mansion? Or better yet! I could shack up in the Hall of Presidents! I like older men! No wait! I'll bet that I could get a job as the fat wench in the Pirates of the Caribbean and never have to leave!"

I will probably be home some time next week. Or whenever my gracious host gets sick of me and kicks my snoring ass out. Well...not that my ass snores...but you know what I mean...

Until then, if you are dying for a dose of snark, read the archives. I used to be funny. Then I started this whole house project. Now I am jaded and tired and running away from home in a fit of teenage rebellion. Because? I can so totally pull of the teenage tude with great flair and flourish! And on that note? ::eyeroll: and whatever...

What's Up Wedesday

So how is your Wednesday going? Mine? So far so good. I have rebelled all week from going to the house. I think I have moving issues or change issues or I can't believe the house is almost finished and I am sick and tired of painting and cleaning and I just can't muster the gumption to finish the damn project issues. Oh and then there was that whole food-poisoning/Rotovirus for the weekend...and Monday/Tuesday issue. I have spent half the week in bed. FCB has been chomping at the bit to get me to get up and go finish the house with him. I don't wanna. If I finish I have to move. If I move I lose closet space. See? That's a good enough reason to stay in bed right there!

Speaking of staying in bed...I have been having some wacky dreams lately. Involving people from my distant past. I chalk it all up to my subconscious resistance to moving. I don't deal well with change. Hell, I don't even like to make change. Or carry change. The jingling bugs me.

Anyway...while I was down sick one of the past few days, Punk decided that I needed soup and ice to make me feel all better. But of course, delivering these things to me required me to get out of bed to help her make these things. She decided to inform me that our refrigerator produces ice, "little ice", and lemons. She based this all on the little pictures on the automatic ice maker. The water drop is the ice. The "little ice" is crushed, and the whole ice cubes are lemon wedge shaped. Thus? My fridge produces lemons. Viola!

"Mommy? Where's the soup button?"

So how is your Wed-Nes-Day going?

Mine is about to get more tedious as I am about to head to the house to clean and finish painting. FCB is so totally going to have to build me a pool. And a hot tub. And buy me a golf cart. Something has to make up for me losing closet space.

What's Up Wednesday Late Edition

So here is your WUW late style. Been busting my ass, busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs trying to impersonate a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

And is that isn't busy, I don't know what is.

So a couple of random things, a little update, and this WUW is underway and done.

I read today that Coca-Cola is coming out with a carbonated milk drink. I said it a couple of years ago...thought it would be an interesting idea...someone somewhere STOLE my idea and went ahead and did it. Not that I would have had the first idea on how to carbonate milk or have the funds to mass market it, but you get my whole "petulant indignation" attitude, anyway. So there.

What is up with people putting that memorial shit all over their rear windows on their vehicle? I don't get it? Nothing says love and remembrance like "immortalizing Uncle Bob on the tints of my bitchin' civic." Just seems lame to me. Maybe it's just me.

The house is coming along. I debated putting up pics to show what we have been doing but I thing a before/after montage when it is all said and done will have more of an impact. Kinda like, "Holy fucking Jesus H. Christ Jumped Up On A Waffle Iron that is a nasty-assed house!" to "Oh sweet Mary And Joseph Riding Side Saddle On A Unicycle that is an AWESOME house!!"

Needless to say the painting continues. I am still fixing the TERRIBLE JOB THAT KEVIN EDWARDS DID ON MY HOUSE! I say that in all caps because I am inventing all kinds of new swear words while I am fixing his MANY mistakes. I am saving them up though because they are doozies and sound really funny when they come out of my 5 year old's mouth. I can also make that statement and it isn't libelous or slanderous or whatever because he really did do a completely shittacular job on my house. And while I appreciate him hitting on me (cuz it was flattering in a way) I would rather fuck a porcupine sideways than help him cheat on his girlfriend.

In other news, Punk was messing with one of the new "Energy Efficient" light bulbs and broke it. In the process she cut her finger. She bled all over my new floors for 5 minutes before she thought it was a good idea to bring the injury to our attention. We immediately put her finger under running cold water to stop the bleeding and clean the wound when she starts freaking out and screams, "I don't want to put my finger in the water! What if I bleed out?!?"

Two things. She watches waaaaayyyy to much TV to know the term "bleed out" and the new floors would argue with her that she had already done so all over them. (Because if my floors can bring me to floorgasm on a daily basis, they can argue the degree of "bleeding out" that my child is doing. They are just such badass cool floors that way!)

So that was my Wed-Nes-Day. I realize that by the time you read this it is going to be Thursday, but hey...they both end in Y so I am all forgiven for getting this out late, right? Right? Helllllllooooooo????

What's Up Wednesday!

Good Day to you all out there in Bloggyland! This morning is starting out with a truckload of OWWW sprinkled with healthy heaping of "OH MY EVERLOVIN HOLY FUCKNUTS I HURT LIKE A SOMBITCH!"

And that is what I get for two days of non stop painting.

I am painting because I don't want our house painter to come back to our house because he always has his hand out expecting to be paid. Now while I was flattered that last week he told me he "liked big women" and was willing to enlist me in a rousing round of "hide the salami (as long as you don't tell my girlfriend)", I am slowing starting to detest even the mere thought of him. He came back Monday to paint our chimney and didn't bring a ladder. Then got pissed when we didn't have one for him to use. Then got even more pissed when he said he was expecting to be paid AGAIN for work he had already been paid for. He has been doing this since he started the job. Every day he showed he would say he would come back to "clean up and fix the mistakes" and it would ONLY cost us a FEW HUNDRED EXTRA!! Hmm. Really? Only a few hundred for you to clean up the mess YOU made and fix the mistakes YOU made? How generous.

Then there is the general carpenter that has been on the job. Now, having ADD I appreciate when I see it in other people and those people are able to overcome and hold a steady job. What I don't like is when your ADD as well as your PREACHING AT ME FOR 10 HOURS STRAIGHT SO YOU CAN SAVE MY EVERLASTING SOUL in the most obnoxious way, prevents you from doing your job correctly and efficiently. And then you leave the job for your 3 hour lunch break. Before you come back to work until way past the time I want to go home. And then you just show up randomly in the morning or afternoon the next day. Ahem. That seemed to have gotten away from me. I am not pissed. Really. Well...maybe a little.

Anyway. So far the only part of the remodel that is going perfectly is the Floor Guy. I love me some Floor Guy. He is from Brazil, cute, funny and a pleasure to talk to. As well as being able to give me multiple floorgasms a day. Who wouldn't love Floor Guy!

So now I am off for another day of painting, cleaning and general waiting on people to show up. I get shiny new appliances today. I should get shiny new counter tops and fuzzy NON-BERBER carpet any day now. But for right now? Off to the "Pancake Store" (IHOP) to spend some quality time with Punk since she is feeling quite neglected lately.

So...What's Up with your Wed-Nes-Day?

What's Up Wednesday is catching on!

Because somebody totally GOOGLED it this past week.

See? I knew there were actual people out there that read my blog! I know this because I see them come in my bloggy front door, walk through a few posts and then totally leave with out even having wiped their feet or commented or gone through my medicine cabinet or anything!

So for this edition of WUW, I am going to post a few things that people are searching for that lead them to my little corner of the interwebs.

Be afraid.


First of all, we have the person that searched most recently for "like a delicate flower". Now I am sure that when they got here, they weren't expecting the rest of the sentence that ended with "that is blooming from a dead buzzard's ass". Hehehehe...I love to surprise people with random acts of crude WTFness.

Then we have the person who searched for..."site:blogspot.com mom 'tie him up'". OK. While I know (better than most I should say thanks to a colorful background) that some people really like the S&M, this is not exactly the blog where you are going to find instructions on binding and gagging someone. Because? If I had actually tied up FCB and duct taped the crap out his mouth, I wouldn't necessarily post it for all the world to see....ahem...moving on!

"You make me run and you make me want to live" was a very popular search this week. That is a song by a group named Fisher. I was watching an episode of Bones (David Boreanaz rocks my socks) and the song was used in a scene where a guy sailed away. It was pretty. I Googled it. I found out who sang the song based on the lyrics and then Youtubed it and then eventually found the mp3. I love the song. I used it in a blog post. They showed a rerun of the episode of Bones on TNT this past week. Thus the explosion of searches that led to my blog. Hope everyone found the info they were looking for!

"Groundhog day ticker" because you just can't wait for that eventful holiday to roll around again and want to count down the minutes?

"25 way to improve your health" is weekly standard for Google results that lead to my blog. There are quite a few people out there that want to get healthy. I seriously doubt my blog will help with that. Plus it is just jammed packed with excess calories.

"Osmil Clan". Really?? This led you to MY blog? Why? WTF is an 'Osmil Clan' and when the hell have those word EVER been on my blog before today? I think the great and powerful Google has been smoking its own shoelaces.

"Hair doesn't move easily" means you are using WAY TO MUCH AQUANET! Cut it out!

"Hair ticker". Because you want to know how fast your hair grows or how many people come to visit it? Have you got nothing better to do? Go watch paint dry or grass grow. Really. Think of better ways to use your time wisely.

"How to put a ticker on a blog". Google it the same way the rest of us did. I can't tell you how everything in this world works! I would lose some of my mysterious charm.

"She is growing up so fast ticker". Are you kidding me? You need a ticker for this? Just go look at the snap shots. Or better yet...get off the damn computer and go read her a book or push her on a swing. They do grow up fast and before you blink their childhood is gone. I should know...my baby is going to be six years old in a couple of months and starting kindergarten in the fall. I just turn around and she grows another inch on me! Ahh...I remember her tiny little beginnings....ahem. Moving on!


So those are some of the search terms that brought people here. If you are bored click the links and peruse the funny that was me...or bogarted by me...from the past.

Only this time? Wipe your feet when you visit my little corner of the blogosphere. Really. Comment or something. If for no other reason? To tell me how your Wednesday is going because I need distraction from the stress of my remodel.

Happy What's Up Wed-nes-day!

I smell like a delicate flower...

That is blooming out of a dead buzzard's ass.

Because today at the new house? No A/C. NONE. Nada. Windows and doors open and not a breeze to be found. I live in FLORIDA people. If the heat doesn't kill you then the humidity will finish the job nice and wetly.

We had the old unit replaced because there was mold in the unit. And in the ducts. And that was more than likely the reason that I was getting violently ill every time I spent any time in that house.

And then?

They ripped out the wall behind the tub in the guest bath. They needed to do this to get rid of the old tile before they installed the new stuff.

And behind the drywall and tile?

Mold, mildew, and.......massive termite damage. OH JOY!! RAPTURE!!

So all that has to be replaced. As if the A/C wasn't enough $$$.

I figure we should just get a shovel and start scooping money into the nearest deep pit. It would be cheaper.

So work continues on the house. Day after day after day....

The plus side? Every time I walk into the house I have a floorgasm. I love the floors. They are gorgeous!

As the A/C guys were collecting their check this afternoon, one of them looks at it, asks me if I am FCB (Do I look like a Fat, Bald MAN?) and said he couldn't take the check with out a driver's license number on it. I looked at him and said for the money they were charging they should be happy they are getting paid all at once, period! I then proceeded to tell him that I know for a fact the whole unit plus labor probably didn't even cost half what they were charging.

Then I said, "I know we got screwed on this because there is a tingling in my butt and I doubt you throw in lube for that price!"

The one guy was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. The one that wanted the DL number had a blank look on his face because he barely understood English. Eh...at least someone got a laugh.

I also found out today that the Blank Stare doesn't work in Lowe's. I was in there today for a drain and when I stood in the plumbing section I got no help and a lot of employees looking at me apathetically. I ended up asking one guy for assistance. He actually SUCKED WIND THROUGH HIS TEETH before going over to a phone to call for assistance in plumbing. The 4 different employees standing around watched him do this. Then...they all just stood there. And then they stood there some more. (Gee I want THAT job!) Eventually, I found what I was looking for myself. But not before proclaiming loudly that I was about 5 seconds away from going to Home Depot. (No reaction from Mr. Attitude and the Starers.)

It's just been a long and expensive and frustrating day.

When I went to the school to pick up the Punk this afternoon, I walked in the door and the "Summer School Principal" looked and me and smiled and said, "Are you here to pick up 'Punk'?"

I actually had to stop myself from retorting, "Nope! I just figured I would wander the hallways for a while for the exercise! Here's your sign!"

My child is matriculating at genius central. Those people deserve a cookie or something.


The one thing that has been making me smile all day?

My daughter keeps walking around going..."Gotta get-get. Gotta get-get. Gotta get-get. Hey Mommy? Can I listen to the Boom-Boom song again?*"

She's a trip!



*Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas.