Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Got an email that I thought was shareworthy. So I'm gonna share. As Limpy says, "it's not plagiarizing if you admit it." So I admit I didn't write this:


What are Grits? Nobody knows. Many people feel that grits are made from ground-up bits of white corn. This is obviously a lie. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn.

The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of butter, salt, or cheese raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are Formed.

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1,000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Southern Georgia, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and fierce attack dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits.

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, the Grits was not heard from for another 1,000 years. Experts feel that the Grits was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and was kept from the public due to its rarity. The next mention of the Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus. (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife.
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy.
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits.
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
X. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits, either.

How to Cook Grits:

For one serving of Grits, boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. That's all there is to cooking Grits.

How to Eat Grits:

Immediately after removing your Grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.) Cheese is optional. However if you wish to add cheese, cut it into 1/4' squares and add immediately before you eat your Grits. You do not want your cheese to melt completely.

Now begin eating your Grits.

Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is milk or chocolate milk. (WARNING: Use whole milk only - DO NOT use 2% or, heaven forbid, skim milk.) Coffee with Grits is acceptable, but is frowned upon by true Grits aficionados.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

(Leftover Grits are extremely rare.) Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.

I hope you enjoyed this little tutorial. Personally, I consider myself to be one of those "Grits aficionados." I love me some grits. With cheese. And with some cheese mixed in. And with a little (OK, a lot) of cheese on top. Or maybe just a bowl of cheese with a little grits in the mix.(Although I have been known to blaspheme and use instant on occasion. I hope I don't get struck down by the mighty Grits Gods.)

Another use of the word "Grits" also is known to label Southern Girls!
Girls Raised In The South.
(Unlike the aforementioned Grits, this type generally don't like to be slathered in butter and covered in cheese and then deep fried in oil. Unless you are just downright kinky that way.)

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